PORTRAIT OF THE WHATEVER AS A YOUNGER MAN
the stupid squirrel collective
001:time for a bed time
I saw my father the other day, and he told me he had a bedtime now. Together we laughed and began to talk about how our lives have changed since time has passed. We decided that time was a good thing and that bedtimes were good things as well. He told me his bedtime was the only thing he looked forward to now since he retired and lost most of his sight. When I questioned him on this statement he simply looked at me and smiled. Today I lost my vision, henceforth I lost my job. I am tired now. I want a bedtime.
002:atari and the rise of the video game empire
once there was an imaginary man named atari and he liked to count and he counted to the number one-hundred and eighty-two and he decided he liked this number so much that he would invent a game around it. he called the game pong. he put pong on a big piece of cardboard and he called out one-hundred and eighty-two different places that you could put that piece of cardboard while his brother whose name was nintendo wrote them all down. atari invented a computer to play his pong on, and he named it after himself, calling it the atari 2600 because the number 2600 has nothing to do with one-hundred and eighty-two. nintendo decided that his wonderful brother named atari needed to invent the atari 5600 so nintendo invented the nintendo then he invented mario brother and then he invented mario brothers two and then he invented mario brothers three but then he died because the brothers cousin sega invented sonic the hedgehog and sonic ate the two brothers killing the atari and nintendo and now sony which is sonics nickname rules all the empire known as earth.
003:when I stuck my finger in the power outlet that I plug my fan into
when I stuck my finger in the power outlet that I plug my fan into nothing happened. I was expecting a shock or at least some minor pain, but I found out the reason the fan didn’t work was that the outlet was dead.
004:oops I ate you
once upon a time I decided to write a book and it was really horrible and nobody liked it so I decided to make a movie and nobody liked it so I decided to write a poem and nobody liked it so I decided to write a song and nobody liked it so I decided to make dinner and I accidentally ate you.
005:ouch my hand itches and my head hurts
I like cheese, and I like starch a lot. one time I ate a whole lot of cheese then I ate some bread and some pasta and lots of other starchy thingys and my hand started to itch, so I started to scratch it and then my foot began to itch so I used a staple gun and staple my foot to the ground ouch my head hurts.
I saw this movie the other night, I believe it was titled, oh wait, it didn’t have a title yet, because it wasn’t real yet, it was a movie I saw in my head. I liked it a lot, and I clicked my heals together three times and said I wish I had blue pants I wish I had blue pants I wish I had blue pants! and I was still wearing the same pair of blue jeans I had always been wearing. anyway, the movie was really good, it was beautiful and I started to cry when I saw it, and the crying turned into paint and I used the paint to make a picture of god and it was a blank sheet of paper and it was an empty canvas and I woke up this morning depressed.
007:when you wish upon a star
when I wished upon a star this giant cricket came flying out of the sky and I was like, “Jiminy Cricket!” and everybody laughed and called me queer. then I said look it’s a giant cricket and hehehehehahahah I laughed out loud at my wonderful joke and then the giant cricket started to eat my friends and I got really mad and then I walked out under the giant cricket and he jumped on me and it hurt a lot then I saw snow white performing dirty deeds on the prince and she was smiling when she did it I wanted to take her to court for inaccurate portrayal of character but she said no so I said ok and laughed a lot louder than I usually do HAHAHAHEHEHEHEHAHAHAHEHE
008:the second time I stuck my finger in the outlet I plug my fan into
the second time I stuck my finger into the outlet that I plug my fan into nothing happened again. so I did it a third time and still nothing happened. I continued doing this for several hours until I got bored so I went and got a fork and stuck it into another outlet and now I have sinuses.
009:the man who liked to eat dead people
the man who liked to eat dead people was god. he said that he was sending them to heaven when he was doing it, but I know that he is lying. I don’t think he is even real he is just a figment of a sinners imagination they just want somebody to make everything right and make up for human error and make everything better and I wish that I could make everything better and I wish I knew what I should do and I wish that the tears that come to me could be shared with somebody else, somebody like me that would love me and live with me and somebody who I could make truly happy, and they could make me truly happy. I wish I knew the man who liked to eat dead people. too bad he isn’t real.
010:watching the lines and columns rise and run
I’m looking at the swans and hearing the boys singing when I notice my columns are getting bigger, then smaller, then bigger, up to 56 now, and once I get to the end it goes back to the beginning, it’s at 46 now look you can count over and get the numbers and the monotones in the background make me happy it puts a smile on my face as the snot runs down it and the tears well up and I continue to type as myloveilove plays on.
011:I don’t know the answer
at dinner one time megan made a really funny face that really did look like joel and then she said “I don’t know the answer” and as she did she crossed her eyes and looked just like him and I laughed really hard and now we are friends. I like starch still.
012:diary of a claustrophobic fool
leave me alone you stupid fool I am content all by myself here is this transposed empty space. I am all by myself now and I notice nothing except my heavy breathing I am in a dark room and the music skips. what music that music the music that is being played the music that is being listened to the music that is in my head. my biceps are getting bigger I want them to be big then I will be hot and everybody will like me because everybody likes attractive people madness it is madness I say. I saw my friend the other day he was different he was changed I didn’t like it people should stay the same they should not be different hitler was right for once he thought everybody should be the same he just went about the wrong ways to do it you do not eliminate people you change them to be the same. there are zits on my forehead and I don’t like them they make me less attractive and I want everybody to love me and accept me and encourage me and play with me and talk with me and love with me and hate with me and listen with me and talk with me and live with me and die with me and say with me and assume with me and forget with me and remember with me and ignore with me and type with me and invent with me and sing with me and learn with me and squeeze with me and kill with me and rejuvenate with me and tap with me and dance with me and break with me and get me out of this room it is too dark and small in here and I can’t breathe I can’t hear my breathing any more oh father in heaven make yourself be and help me out of this room I cannot remember why I wanted you but I want to be in a wide open space in a beautiful field with geese.
013:very interesting in french
I was talking to my friends girlfriend today, and she decided to confide in me some information. After a few seconds of silence, she told me that I was “soooooo” cute and that if she wasn’t dating Brad that she would want to go out with me. I replied by saying “hehe” and reminding her that I don’t date. Then she proceeded by asking me if I had ever kissed a girl, and I said no. Then she said that surprises her because “I look like somebody who would have kissed a girl before.”
014:dream number 2
My mom had ordered me, my brother, and my brothers friend each our own pizza. We all had plain cheese. My brother and his friends got normal pizzas, but I got a disgruntled one.
015:dream number 3
My mom was making cheeseburgers for the family. I came downstairs after smelling them, and asked for one. My mom told me I couldn’t have one since i wasn’t down there, but my brother got two.
015:dream number 1
I was sitting in a room talking to Harmony Korine and some other older guy. In the background there was a girl in her young 20s giving a boy of the same age a blow job. This is what Harmony was saying to the older man, “All teenagers want to see is blow jobs. They like this best because it’s all they do. They do everything except have sex, except blow jobs are the most common.”
016:knowing what love is to share
hold it! maybe I should have a tuna melt with cheddar… no wait, Swiss cheese, on whole wheat… no make that cheddar…
017:take him out for a good time
Then Ben said to Matt and his little brother Casey, “I have some scenes I need to shoot tonight. Would you mind taking him out for a good time?” He was referring to me.
“Sure, that’d be cool,” Casey replied.
“I guess,” Matt seemed a little distant.
So off Ben went to work, and I hung out in their bachelor pad for a bit. After about 7 o clock, Casey decided some action was needed.
“You guys ready to go?”
“That’s fine by me,” I said.
“Sure,” was Matt’s only reply.
We went to a club called La Maraschino Cherry. We ordered some drinks, and
after a while Casey got a little tipsy.
“I’m gonna hit the dance floor,” he said.
Me and Matt sat and watched him dance for a while. He really seemed to be enjoying
himself. We started chatting about things used for the purpose of keeping conversation, such as the weather, how each of us were, things like that. After a while Matt said something.
“I have to tell you something Ed.”
“What’s that?” I replied not having a clue what was coming next.
“Let’s step outside for a minute.”
I followed Matt out the back door of the club. He started to say something, but
then stopped. He then reached into his pocket, and pulled out one of those electric knifes
that you use to carve turkeys on Thanksgiving. He then continued to stab me seventeen times.
Then he turned it on and butchered my insides, and proceeded my eating my guts. He then
started crying, and he yelled out, “I could have loved you!”
Yesterday I was having a little chat with a man on a park bench. I said to him, does it bother you that this park bench is wet with paint? He didn’t reply, so I began talking to myself about how stupid I was for sitting down. He then turned to me and said, “You know, there are many different ways to die.”
one time I was watching a Disney Channel original movie and it was horrible, so I changed the channel, and on that channel, there were ladies doing aerobics. This made me laugh, so I continued to watch it. The ladies counted, “One, Two, Three, Four,” and so on, until the reached ten, then they would change their positions and begin counting again. I kept watching this laughing the whole time, and then I realized something. The women were getting larger! Fatter and Fatter they got, the whole time me laughing, until one of them go so fat they exploded. This made me laugh really hard, so I decided to turn the TV off and go eat breakfast. I had oatmeal for breakfast, and the oatmeal reminded me of what the ladies fat looked like when she exploded.
020:oops i cut off my digits
I was holding the knife against my skin. It made a tingling feeling as I pressed harder and harder against my arm. I scraped the knife forward, and a long trail of blood appeared on my forcep. I then moved the knife to the end of my right index finger, and pressed down hard. There was a chunk noise, and I had cut off the end of my index finger. I then continued to cut off the tips of all my fingers, and lastly, my thumbs. I then took out a big sheet of white paper and wrote “I Love Jesus” with my blood. Then I went to the top of my apartment building, stapled the white paper to me, and jumped off the top.
For breakfast this morning I had a bowl of cereal. It was a bowl of fruity pebbles, and they were quite delicious. The only problem with fruity pebbles is that they get soggy oh so fast.
022:more sourdough bread
the cow says moo. I told my friend this and he said so what.
yesterday at lunch I was talking to this girl who likes my friend, and she was all like, “I know a ton of girls that think you’re cute, but they think that you’re too weird to go out with.”
Before my grandpa died he used to enjoy putting on white face and dancing to some phat beats. He desperately wanted to be white. Everybody in our family thought he was crazy, and we didn’t mind it so much when he died.
Billy: Grandpa, can you drive me to school?
Grandpa: No, I’m on my way out.
Billy: But it’s on the way!
Grandpa: You need a bath.
025:more fun for the whole family
My sister knows a lesbian. when I asked her what the lesbians name was, she said, “I don’t know I was too busy checking her out.”
026:french toast sticks
There is a small woman with a small head and a petite frame sitting on a park bench. She has lots of large rings on her fingers and has a severe case of acne on her face. She is pretending to read a book by danielle steele. She has downs syndrome.
Woman: It’s spooky.
Man: What is?
Woman: The current state of our government.
Man: I can’t feel my left toe.
027:i’ve never been born
I saw up a girls skirt the other day. she was wearing pink lacey panties and there was a brown spot where the rectum would be. her name was louise.
it was the first day of the apocalypse.
There is no chaos. Nobody knows that it is the first day of the apocalypse. They all assume their daily positions in life.
Mary, a mother, cleans the kitchen after her children have gone to school and her husband has gone to work. THe children had cereal for breakfast, but her husband has insisted on having the same damn thing he has every morning for breakfast. Eggs. The damn things are so easy to make, yet he makes me his bitch and has me do everything. He will make his eggs for now on. She decides this then smiles as she continues to finish the cleaning. She has a long day ahead of her.
Joy is a 17 year old slacker who lives in her mothers basement without her mother knowing. Her mother is catatonic. She is too confused to know what is really going on. Joy knows, though, and she lives off the fact that her mother has problems. Her mother thinks she is dead. Her mother is checked on twice a day by men in white jackets, who give her mother shots. When she was little she wondered what these shots did. She no longer wonders. She has no wonder of anything anymore, she lives in tghe world of narcotics and blackness, a world inhabited my no one other than herself. She, Joy, the 17 year old slacker, is Agoraphobic.
Ben is a movie star who lives in fear of people discovering his biggest secret. Nobody knows what his biggest secret is, but he does. Everybody knows that he has a large secret and they all want to know what it is / the damb bastards, they all want to know too much about me/ they want to discover his secrets.
Day two of the apocalypse begins.
There is no rapture occurring. That would only hapen if the inhabitants of Earth were faithful. No one on earth believes in God. Many pretend to, many even try to make others pretend to, but no one believes in the Supreme Being. THere once was a God, but he died long ago when people stopped truly believing and tried to organize themselves into things called religions / blasphemy, ideas, faits, all ruined/ and made these to seperate themselves from others that they didn’t like.
Since there is no God then many must be wondering why there is an apocalyspe occurring. Blackness flashes, the people scream.
An angel falls from the sky into a small town known to earth’s inhabitants as Normal, Illinois. It is a middle class town with nothing special about it, it just happened to be a good landing spot for the angel who was cast out of nowhere. His wings are alive, but he is not. His soul screams at the inhabitants of this town.
“Look what your faults have brought upon you!”
A baby cries and a mother looks away from the child, the thought of someone pouting all the time turns her on.
“You have lost the beginning of what was good, now what was good is lost. The earth is black and white now, the color is gone.”
[Film turns to black and white, remains so for rest of movie]
Boy, 13, turns on TV in his trailer. His parents have just lost their lives to the man with the sign on his forehead. They told him they would be in a better place now.
He doens’t believe them, he knows that they are wrong, and that they are nowhere now. People don’t go anywhere when they die, he tells himself, as an old Vincent Price movies pops onto the TV screen. He suddenly realizes why the apocalypse must happen, despite the fact that there is no avenging god which is what many people think is why it happens, but he knows that it must happen for another reason. This becomes his biggest secret.
Five seconds of white light flashes on the screen as a mother screams with pleasure while thinking of all the pouting that is occurring in the world at the moment.
An 11 year old girl sits on her front porch in her small town smoking a cigarette. She has nothing but her underwear and bra on, her neighbor had just spent the last ten minutes masturbating while watching her dance / she was just practicing for her father, the damn pedophile/ the smoke is inhaled as she thinks over her pitiful life. She now knows the reason for the godless apocalypse.
Five seconds of disturbing imagery flashes, possibly the inside of a human body.
Day three of the apocalypse begins.
This is when the bodies start to fall from the sky. Nowhere no longer exists, the dead people must go somewhere. This is why the apocalypse is happening. Nowhere is full, and all the dead must go somewhere. Earth, as it is called by it’s inhabitants, is to become the new nowhere.
There is chaos now. For the dead bodies fill the streets, and the surrounding areas. A Jesuit priest prays in his synagogue, the last remaining member of his particular clergy. He prays for forgiveness, for his religion teaches him his fetish for his 11 year old neighbor is wrong. The god does not respond. His faith is gone. He implodes.
Day four of the apocalypse begins.
Joy is on an acid trip when someone enters her mind.
Ben is hiding under his bed when somebody enters his mind.
Mary is attempting to stop the pain her husband brings to her when someone enters her mind.
He is here now. They all say in unison. ALl inhabitants of different areas, all speaking at the same time. There voices echo across the world as the so-called humans quiver and begin to vomit violently.
The people have stopped falling now. Nowhere has been emptied, and now it too must implode.
He who loves the lord above will live his life with him
The remaning clergy of the world chant. Their message is not heard, they too, are gone into the new nowhere-ness.
Day four of the apocalypse has ended. Five seconds of white noise is accompanied by five seconds of blackness.
Dave five has begun.
Then he returns.
God is back. He shows himself to the humans in the form of Jesus. They, being the humans they are, cast him away, and kill him while he is being sent to an asylum.
The asylum turns to rock. God is once again gone.
Muhammed returns. He faces the same state as Jesus, and God leaves once more, for the last time.
As the five who know the truth fight to save themselves by finding the old nothingness, people attempt to find religion again to save themselves from the fate they know they have brought upon themselves. Now they need their gods, now they need their scapegoats.
A camera moves down death row. These people are safe. Since they are to be killed before the apocalyse is over, they will be sent into the old nothingness, which is gone. They all smile and laugh for the last time. The switch is flipped. They all die with a smile. The gaurd is disturbed and goes and jumps off the roof of his night job.
Day six come and goes, with nothing happening at all, it is a day of silence, the first since earth was created by the once true god, for the people know what will become of themselves and have lost their once loved and honored ability to speak.
Ben, Mary, Joy, and the boy and girl meet where the angel fell for the first time. This is their new home. The soul speaks to them, and tells them what they must do to escape what is to become of the rest of humanity.
Zero hour has passed, and the dreaded day seven of the apocalypse begins.
Humanity is frozen. Nowhere-ness is now what it is meant to be, nothing. But in the darkness the chosen five combine into it. It is nothing. They are safe, as were the prisoners of death row. The apocalypse has happened.
Five minutes of blackness follows with a constantly slowing heartbeat, which eventually signals the end of the film when it stops. The movie ends with a woman crying, she was not taken into the nothingness, she is left behind.
029:The Story of Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen
One long ago, in a world without sin, there lived a man. This man was very happy. He had a life partner, Julian, and two children, Bob and Margaret. This mans name was Fulton. Fulton was twenty-two years old at the beginning of this story. Fulton works with Julian in a factory, where paper is made. Fulton is one of the men who go and cut down trees, while Julian works on the assembly line, pulling levers to control the tree pulps transformation.
One day while Fulton and Julian were walking home from work together, they passed their children’s school. The children were out on the playground, Bob and one of his friends were holding the rope and turning it while Margaret was jumping. She was saying a simple
rhyme as she jumped, and the rhyme went as follows:
I saw a frog the other day,
I then turned to look the other way,
then that frog croaked and flew,
into a nearby pond which was oh so blue,
he landed with a pleasant splash,
that’s when I turned and to my home I dashed,
I told my father of this site,
and I sensed something wasn’t right,
The frog was not a frog you see,
It was what it is that I want to be.
Julian asked Fulton if he had taught her that rhyme, and Fulton replied no. The two partners walked home in awe, as the poem had touched both of them deep inside, though they knew not why. When the children got home, Julian asked them about the curious rhyme.
“Me and your father saw you children playing outside the school today.”
“Yeah, me and Bob were jumping rope.”
“We heard you saying a really interesting rhyme.”
“The Story of Us? About a frog?”
“Yep, that’s the one. Where did you learn that? It was quite nice.”
“All the kids know about it.”
“Oh, ok then, I thought maybe the teacher taught it to you or something.”
This discussion brought no closure to Julian and Fulton’s delight, so they decided to do some research. The next day, the two dropped their children off at the park and went to the local library to research the poem. Since they now knew the title, they had a better chance of finding out about it.
After about an hour or so of looking, Julian found something in a book called, “King James.”
“Honey, come here, I think I found it.”
“Here, in this book, King James, it tells about ‘The Story of Us’.”
Julian began to read the selection of the book, “The story of us was a poem made in the old world, in a time when sin was still around. The frog in the story represents-,” but paused. The rest of the page was blacked out, in what seemed to be a black paint. Julian and Fulton went to the desk of the library to ask the librarian about this peculiar happening.
“Well, I’ve never seen anything like that.” the librarian said.
“Do you think there’s a way we could remove the black?” Julian questioned.
“I don’t think so, that’s a really old book. Any chemical process would probably
ruin the pages.”
“Oh, okay. Thank you.”
Fulton and Julian then left the library with a feeling they had never felt before. A longing. They longed to know what was blacked out on that page. They needed to know what that rhyme meant. They went to the park to pick up their children, and on their way back home there was an uneasy quietness that no one in the family was familiar with.
That night Fulton could not sleep. Something was wrong. He wasn’t happy. He got out of bed without waking Julian up, and he went outside in the darkness. He began to walk around, contemplating something he had never thought about before. His life. He realized that he used to be happy, but this peculiar poem, nursery rhyme even, has caused him a void in his soul. A sadness. He walked to the river that was near his house. He stared intently
into the darkness of the water. He swore he saw one of the fish smiling, but wasn’t sure. Something about the water made him feel good about himself, but he wasn’t sure what. He was tired, so he walked back to his house and got back into his bed.
In the morning, he woke up to Julian kissing his cheek. He smiled. Then the rhyme entered his mind. He frowned. Julian asked what was wrong, and Fulton simply replied, “Oh, nothing that matters.”
At work that day, Fulton was unusually tired. He kept thinking about the poem, the smiling fish, and the feeling the deep waters of the river gave to him. The day seemed to drag on forever, and when he got home, he was glad to go do sleep.
He woke up in the middle of the night, the river was gleaming out of their window. He got up again, and walked to the river. He stared intently down into the dark waters. He got the feeling that he had gotten the night before. The feeling made him happy. He knew there was only one thing to do. He jumped into the water. Fulton was never seen again.
All of them are all lined up. Every single one of them. Their shadows lie on the white pavement behind them, permanently stained by the paint bestowed upon them, permanently in a state of carthasis, being the pavement it/they are, always set to be still. Set to be white, set to be cement. They are lined up for no reason.
All their arms are set in the same manner. They are all up on the right, the side facing the wall, and all down on the left, the side away from the wall. Their shadows are like a row of German soldiers in the second World War, set to go defeat those who their leader claims inadequate of this life, not set to live here.
Their faces hold no expressions. They are simply there, nothing about them signals that they are alive, nothing about them signals life. They are simply there. Simply, not simply. They were set up very carefully, set up with such skill and grace, arranged in such a manner that one would not expect from he who arranged them, arranged in a manner of precision.
They have no organs, they are all hollowed out, hollowed out so that he may fill them. Not with hopes, despairs, or desires, but with paint, white paint, so when cut open the white paint will drip out of them, causing a violently enjoyable display. This will be his final gallery, this will be his finishing piece, this will make him go out with a bang, as they say.
When he finishes exactly how he wants them to be, he smiles. He smiles at his deed well done. His manniquins made of trefsin display is finished. He then gets ready, ready to enter the white world, ready to become one of his creations, one of his manniquins.
The manniquins themselves are a dark black, so that the white paint will be easily visible on their darkness. He hooks the wires, white, to match their pavement which they rest on, up to the manniquins. He checks all the fuses to make sure they are ready.
His show will be tommorow, and many of his loved ones and others which he knows will be there. He is ready for this, he has been preparing this, planning, ordering, creating, for three months. This will be his greatest exhibit, experiment if you will, ever.
He goes to sleep with a sense of contentment, a sense of completion. He quietly tells himself that tommorow will be a great day. He lays his black suit out, and falls asleep.
The next morning he wakes up in excitement. He is too excited to eat breakfast, so he puts on the black suit, and finishes getting the exhibit ready. His exhibit will be shown at nine a.m.
At eight thirty he sets the timer which is hooked up to the wires, and get in his position, between the thirtieth and thirty-first manniquin. He believes that this is a very good number, and he is fully satisfied with it.
At eight fifty five, all the viewers have arrived. It is almost time.
At nine o clock exactly, the explosions being. One by one, each mannequin explodes in an outburst of white paint. The white on black effect has worked greatly. Once the thirtieth manniquin explodes, he is ready. He then explodes. His dark red blood makes a very visiable make on the white pavement, and his red blood makes a great scene on the white mannequin blood which is no match in consistency of his own. He had died with a smile. He is complete.
031:where are my pants
there once was a boy, a very special boy, who didn’t know where his pants were. he thought he had them on, but he quickly realized, when he stepped outside, that he didn’t. all he had on was a pair of white underwear, clinging to his skin in the freezing cold winds. he thought he had a shirt on too, but he didn’t. he was barechested, and he was cold. he collapsed and cried out, “My pants have left me all alone, I have not choice but to push a stick up my urethra and hope for the best.” and with this, he pushed a stick up his urethra, screamed in pain, and passed out. his em found him like that the next day, he was frozed. she thought he died pleasuring himself.
032:look at me dance like the little boy that i am
one time, i decided it would be fun to listen to the radio. i was wrong though, so i turned the radio off and decided to go watch the telly. there wasn’t anything good on though, so i turned it off, and when i did, it went *click* and turned off. i laughed at this spectacle and thought it was wonderous. i laughed again and turned the telly back on. then i turned it off again, and i laughed. i laughed again and turned the telly back on. then i turned it off again, and i laughed. i laughed again and turned the telly back on. then i turned it off again, and i laughed. i laughed again and turned the telly back on. then i turned it off again, and i laughed. i laughed again and turned the telly back on. then i turned it off again, and i laughed. i laughed again and turned the telly back on. then i turned it off again, and i laughed. i laughed again and turned the telly back on. then i turned it off again, and i laughed. i laughed again and turned the telly back on. then i turned it off again, and i laughed. i laughed again and turned the telly back on. then i turned it off again, and i laughed. i laughed again and turned the telly back on. then i turned it off again, and i laughed. i laughed again and turned the telly back on. then i turned it off again, and i laughed. i laughed again and turned the telly back on. then i turned it off again, and i laughed. i laughed again and turned the telly back on. then i turned it off again, and i laughed. i laughed again and turned the telly back on. then i turned it off again, and i laughed. this was the most fun i had ever had in my bathroom. in fact, i didn’t even remember that there was a telly in there. oh wait, there wasn’t, i was flushing the toilet, not turning the telly off. my spine hurts.
033:dogs and cats
quick, count how many times you’ve wet the bed.
[All of these pieces (with the exceptions noted) were written between 2000 & 2002]