February 25th, 2009 / 9:16 pm
Author News & Presses

Win Sam Pink’s book, I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT!!!!

Htmlgiant and Paper Hero Press are sponsoring a contest to win Sam Pink’s I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT!!!!!!! We are giving away THREE COPIES to the best entries! Here is the contest, people: Give us your best description of a fight that made you physically ill in 50 words or less. Enter in the comments section,(you can enter more than once and you can make shit up). Barry Graham, the publisher of Paper Hero Press, Sam Pink himself, and yours truly are the judges. Barf vomit blood and tears people. We love you.

Sam contemplates death, bones, violence and blood often in his book. That said, here’s a quote from the book that isn’t like that:

When You Are Happy Do A Handstand

When you are happy do a handstand and step into the sky. Go knee-deep. And push your feet through the depths. Start thinking about where the bottom is and what it feels like and if you’re not too stupid or scared to touch it.

 (Full disclosure: I offered to cuddle naked with Sam Pink at the AWP in Chicago a week or so ago (even though I wasn’t there), but he declined. Then, it turned out it wasn’t Sam Pink. It was Mary Gaitskill.I was wicked drunk.)

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74 Comments

  1. g

      brother and sister square off. knuckles to necks. ten minutes of solid swings. afterwards, both slump into a pile of sweaty arms and legs, unafraid of what touched what. it drove me wild in all my 2,000 parts.

  2. g

      brother and sister square off. knuckles to necks. ten minutes of solid swings. afterwards, both slump into a pile of sweaty arms and legs, unafraid of what touched what. it drove me wild in all my 2,000 parts.

  3. Brian Allen Carr

      I watched homeless men fight at a bus-stop over a crusty woman squatted against a wall. One man was black and the other white. Their punches too weak to break skin. They rolled, scraping the hot pavement. Frantic. Then the woman flashed her burly snatch.
      —Winner gets this, she said.

  4. Brian Allen Carr

      I watched homeless men fight at a bus-stop over a crusty woman squatted against a wall. One man was black and the other white. Their punches too weak to break skin. They rolled, scraping the hot pavement. Frantic. Then the woman flashed her burly snatch.
      —Winner gets this, she said.

  5. jk

      I once fought a skunk while wearing brass knuckles.
      TKO by death, but I think it’s in the books as a draw, because no one will touch me anymore.

  6. jk

      I once fought a skunk while wearing brass knuckles.
      TKO by death, but I think it’s in the books as a draw, because no one will touch me anymore.

  7. Robert Walser Society of Weste

      a fight fights another fight

  8. Robert Walser Society of Western Massachusetts

      a fight fights another fight

  9. adam

      i saw a kitten crawl inside a full-grown man and claw him up
      he made a whole bunch of demented facial expressions
      he fell like jelly
      more kittens appeared
      with tiny forks
      they ate him up
      it was not really a fight
      but a massacre
      of one person

      by kittens

  10. adam

      i saw a kitten crawl inside a full-grown man and claw him up
      he made a whole bunch of demented facial expressions
      he fell like jelly
      more kittens appeared
      with tiny forks
      they ate him up
      it was not really a fight
      but a massacre
      of one person

      by kittens

  11. pr

      these are great people. I want more! More!

  12. pr

      these are great people. I want more! More!

  13. dc

      She hit me in the throat
      with my 5-iron, kicked
      my stomach until I puked. Took
      the chunks & threw them
      back in my mouth. I puked
      again, mix of new & old. Later,
      she ended the fight, twisting
      out a clump of pubic hair from my balls.

  14. dc

      She hit me in the throat
      with my 5-iron, kicked
      my stomach until I puked. Took
      the chunks & threw them
      back in my mouth. I puked
      again, mix of new & old. Later,
      she ended the fight, twisting
      out a clump of pubic hair from my balls.

  15. pr

      nice

  16. pr

      nice

  17. kendra

      i was at a bar in minnesota once and there were these two guys fighting over a girl. there was a little skinny guy, who was the girl’s boyfriend, and a huge scary meat head dude with a giant fucking mohawk and a million piercings. the little guy was getting fucked up by the big guy and then everything changed when the little guy reached up off the floor and ripped out the big guy’s septum piercing. the big guy screamed and turned around to hold his nose. at this point the little guy hobbled up and stuck his finger through the top most visible surface piercing that was a hoop on the nape of his neck, that had many other little hoops all down his spine. the little guy pulled down and a strip of skin peeled like a orange down the big guy’s back and the girlfriend who was watching puked on the little guy and everyone cheered. they were all kicked out. i had nacho’s and couldn’t finish them.

  18. kendra

      i was at a bar in minnesota once and there were these two guys fighting over a girl. there was a little skinny guy, who was the girl’s boyfriend, and a huge scary meat head dude with a giant fucking mohawk and a million piercings. the little guy was getting fucked up by the big guy and then everything changed when the little guy reached up off the floor and ripped out the big guy’s septum piercing. the big guy screamed and turned around to hold his nose. at this point the little guy hobbled up and stuck his finger through the top most visible surface piercing that was a hoop on the nape of his neck, that had many other little hoops all down his spine. the little guy pulled down and a strip of skin peeled like a orange down the big guy’s back and the girlfriend who was watching puked on the little guy and everyone cheered. they were all kicked out. i had nacho’s and couldn’t finish them.

  19. kendra

      oops i didnt see the 50 words or less. am i disqualified? i can re-write it if i am.

  20. kendra

      oops i didnt see the 50 words or less. am i disqualified? i can re-write it if i am.

  21. pr

      that is just fantastic!! I want to go to Minnesota now.

  22. pr

      that is just fantastic!! I want to go to Minnesota now.

  23. kendra

      pr, i want to snuggle naked with mary gaitskill

  24. kendra

      pr, i want to snuggle naked with mary gaitskill

  25. kendra

      p.s. i didnt make any of it up- people in MN are gross

  26. kendra

      p.s. i didnt make any of it up- people in MN are gross

  27. steve

      st.louis mardi gras drunk
      guys ralphing beads on to girls’ tats
      flopping in the wind, iced nips
      three ditkas fighting in a big ball
      towards me
      hide in the port-o-john
      gets knocked
      shitpiss on my shoes
      ralph, ralph again,
      exit port-o-john in braveheart pose
      but now it’s over

  28. steve

      st.louis mardi gras drunk
      guys ralphing beads on to girls’ tats
      flopping in the wind, iced nips
      three ditkas fighting in a big ball
      towards me
      hide in the port-o-john
      gets knocked
      shitpiss on my shoes
      ralph, ralph again,
      exit port-o-john in braveheart pose
      but now it’s over

  29. davidpeak

      On the train.

      They both smelled like garbage and piss. One was missing half his nose. The other’s face had been scorched by acid. They drew blood with their fingernails.

      The train lurched back and forth. I had to watch.

      They argued over Jesus.

  30. davidpeak

      On the train.

      They both smelled like garbage and piss. One was missing half his nose. The other’s face had been scorched by acid. They drew blood with their fingernails.

      The train lurched back and forth. I had to watch.

      They argued over Jesus.

  31. pr

      Man, all you guys rule so hard. This is gonna be tough.

  32. pr

      I do too. Or at least a hug? Get a hug from her? I once said, “thank you for reading” after she read. Then I scurried away and had an anxiety attack. It was a nice moment though.

  33. Rob

      My eight-year-old nephew and I watched a group of teenagers beat a homeless man in the park until they recoiled in disgust. The man had shit himself. That night, my nephew woke up crying. My sister had to comfort him. I sat in the basement, drinking beer after beer.

  34. Rob

      My eight-year-old nephew and I watched a group of teenagers beat a homeless man in the park until they recoiled in disgust. The man had shit himself. That night, my nephew woke up crying. My sister had to comfort him. I sat in the basement, drinking beer after beer.

  35. barry

      i like these.

      minnesota sounds fun.

  36. barry

      i like these.

      minnesota sounds fun.

  37. adam

      Chuck Norris was there

  38. adam

      Chuck Norris was there

  39. davidpeak

      willem defoe’s teeth in wild at heart gang-banged the blowhole of a dead whale.

  40. davidpeak

      willem defoe’s teeth in wild at heart gang-banged the blowhole of a dead whale.

  41. sampink

      i was at a concert at an old metal place called THE THIRSTY WHALE and i saw a guy actually rip another guy’s ear off.

  42. sampink

      i was at a concert at an old metal place called THE THIRSTY WHALE and i saw a guy actually rip another guy’s ear off.

  43. Jonny Mess

      I saw a kid beat the crap out of another kid while everyone cheered. Then he started repeatedly kicking the kid in the head, which made everyone stop.

      Two years later, the assailant went to jail for stabbing his girlfriend and sinking her into the bottom of the pond. Then his mother tried to buy an Uzi to break him out.

      Do they still make Uzis?

  44. Jonny Mess

      I saw a kid beat the crap out of another kid while everyone cheered. Then he started repeatedly kicking the kid in the head, which made everyone stop.

      Two years later, the assailant went to jail for stabbing his girlfriend and sinking her into the bottom of the pond. Then his mother tried to buy an Uzi to break him out.

      Do they still make Uzis?

  45. Ani

      I once climbed into Sam Pink’s mouth and curled up on his tongue and tried to sleep but he kept drinking gin with lime gatorade and it stung my eyes so I kicked him in the teeth and stubbed my toe and he screamed at me to get the fuck out so I grabbed onto his uvula and dug my nails in and he shook violently side to side and soaked my hair with saliva and tried to masticate me and I cried.

  46. Ani

      I once climbed into Sam Pink’s mouth and curled up on his tongue and tried to sleep but he kept drinking gin with lime gatorade and it stung my eyes so I kicked him in the teeth and stubbed my toe and he screamed at me to get the fuck out so I grabbed onto his uvula and dug my nails in and he shook violently side to side and soaked my hair with saliva and tried to masticate me and I cried.

  47. An Unreliable Witness

      BIFF!
      THWAK!
      CR-R-A-A-CK!
      CLUNK!
      OOOFFF!
      KAPOW!
      BOFF!
      KRUNCH!
      POW!
      KLONK!
      KER-SPLOOSH!
      BAM!
      AIEEE!
      BANG!
      CRASH!
      WALLOP!
      [What a picture! What a photograph!]
      WHAM!
      CLANG!
      BONK!
      PLOP!

      (stars)

      “Holy catchphrase, Batman! You got him good! We won’t be seeing any more of that fiendish villian An Unreliable Witness in Gotham City!”

  48. An Unreliable Witness

      BIFF!
      THWAK!
      CR-R-A-A-CK!
      CLUNK!
      OOOFFF!
      KAPOW!
      BOFF!
      KRUNCH!
      POW!
      KLONK!
      KER-SPLOOSH!
      BAM!
      AIEEE!
      BANG!
      CRASH!
      WALLOP!
      [What a picture! What a photograph!]
      WHAM!
      CLANG!
      BONK!
      PLOP!

      (stars)

      “Holy catchphrase, Batman! You got him good! We won’t be seeing any more of that fiendish villian An Unreliable Witness in Gotham City!”

  49. Brandi

      I found this nineteen year old fucking my boyfriend on his couch. She was straddling him and he had his hands dug into her ass. I punched her in the side of the head while his dick was still inside her and he tried to pull her closer to him.

  50. Brandi

      I found this nineteen year old fucking my boyfriend on his couch. She was straddling him and he had his hands dug into her ass. I punched her in the side of the head while his dick was still inside her and he tried to pull her closer to him.

  51. drew

      my brother and i were at the beach. i threw a football at him. it hit him in the nose. he walked over to me. i laughed. he punched me in the mouth, kicked me in the balls, then pushed me into the sand. my mother said, ‘russel! stop! go in the ocean right now!’ he left. i think i threw up. he says i did at least. that was the first and only time i’ve ever been punched in the face.

  52. drew

      my brother and i were at the beach. i threw a football at him. it hit him in the nose. he walked over to me. i laughed. he punched me in the mouth, kicked me in the balls, then pushed me into the sand. my mother said, ‘russel! stop! go in the ocean right now!’ he left. i think i threw up. he says i did at least. that was the first and only time i’ve ever been punched in the face.

  53. drew

      yes.

  54. drew

      yes.

  55. Rob

      I was crouched outside my teacher’s window, watching her undress, when her husband entered the room. He said something and she spit in his face. He grabbed her hair, held her down on the bed, and punched her back and thighs. I never told anyone. I was 14 years old.

  56. Rob

      I was crouched outside my teacher’s window, watching her undress, when her husband entered the room. He said something and she spit in his face. He grabbed her hair, held her down on the bed, and punched her back and thighs. I never told anyone. I was 14 years old.

  57. Brad Green

      Hitting his face was like punching a bag of burst and bruised fruit. Squishing like an over-ripe banana strangled in its skin. Splatter. This was better than pushing his wife’s face into the pillow, spreading her ass cheeks with my thumbs and forcing out that yelp, that sad small sound.

  58. Brad Green

      Hitting his face was like punching a bag of burst and bruised fruit. Squishing like an over-ripe banana strangled in its skin. Splatter. This was better than pushing his wife’s face into the pillow, spreading her ass cheeks with my thumbs and forcing out that yelp, that sad small sound.

  59. barry

      i like that sam tried to win a copy of the book. very nice sam. also. 30 entries? why havent you cheap fuckers just bought the book already?

      winners will be announced tonight i think.

  60. barry

      i like that sam tried to win a copy of the book. very nice sam. also. 30 entries? why havent you cheap fuckers just bought the book already?

      winners will be announced tonight i think.

  61. sam pink

      (in tim allen voice) urrghhhh?

  62. sam pink

      (in tim allen voice) urrghhhh?

  63. Ani

      I bought the book, why haven’t you shipped it?

      Also, I’m greedy.

      ;)

  64. Ani

      I bought the book, why haven’t you shipped it?

      Also, I’m greedy.

      ;)

  65. barry

      ani:

      i mailed them out last friday. i went cheap and sent them media mail rate which is slower. if you dont have it soon let me know.

      is there anyone who ordered a copy but has not gotten it yet?

      oh ani. i just checked my mailing list. you are in UK. it may take longer. plus that shit cost me 8 bucks to ship and i only charged you a dollar, so chill your little ass out. ha.

  66. barry

      ani:

      i mailed them out last friday. i went cheap and sent them media mail rate which is slower. if you dont have it soon let me know.

      is there anyone who ordered a copy but has not gotten it yet?

      oh ani. i just checked my mailing list. you are in UK. it may take longer. plus that shit cost me 8 bucks to ship and i only charged you a dollar, so chill your little ass out. ha.

  67. Ani

      Aw Barry, you know I’m good for it.

  68. Ani

      Aw Barry, you know I’m good for it.

  69. barry

      ; )

  70. barry

      ; )

  71. Doleman

      Happy Valentine’s Day!

  72. Doleman

      Happy Valentine’s Day!

  73. davidpeak

      Happey Year of the Tiger! I am drunk

  74. davidpeak

      Happey Year of the Tiger! I am drunk