Life of drafts
I hate lame drafts, trust me I know. Whenever I have a lame draft, I pull weird shit to try to spice it up. One time I removed all the dialog quotes and put em dashes in front. One other time I turned all the dialog into italics. One other time I deleted all the letters “n” and added this thing about how the writer of the story was missing the N-key (Stephen King did that). One other time I changed a female character’s name to sound more European. One time I removed all paragraph breaks and turned the entire story into one paragraph. One time I said the story was translated into English from Wingdings. When I get really desperate, I broaden the margins to make the story look longer. Sometimes I’ll make the first five words small caps like they do in fancy journals. One time I changed my name to “Toni Morrison” then had to find and replace “choad” into “tar blossom.” I never include a SASE because I never get accepted, so my logic beats theirs. I often shit-talk in my head about people with STDs, BMWs, SASEs, and MFAs, telling myself acronyms are for assholes. We all know the 20 under 40 list, but exactly who is under the influence of a 40 oz.? (Beer with me, people.) The only thing more lame than a “your mom” retort is calling nepotism, or “your dad.” The only thing writing has to do with life is that everything is a draft. Some people want fans, others just open the window to let the free air inside.