October 28th, 2010 / 2:41 pm

Obituary: The Faster Times

The Faster Times (July 9, 2009 – October 9, 2010) The Faster Times, an online newspaper known for attempting to find a way to make the internet pay writers, was pronounced dead on the scene of what Brooklyn Borough President Marty Markowitz called a “perverse and often baffling” three-day riot and siege of the Cobble Hill brownstone that the The Faster Times just purchased. “Who knew that journalist-bloggers had the upper body strength, let alone the organizational capacity to riot?” Markowitz asked.

Sadly, the Faster Times was torn limb for limb by a mob of seething, red-eyed editors who chanted about revolution, wasted hours and, inexplicably, the crappy font choice. “Justice, I say, Justice!” one editor screamed. The New York Times declared the riot a “a twee, revolution in the journalists’ minor league.”

Among TFT’s greatest advancements to Internet Media during its short but thorough run, was it’s idea that Facebook ‘Likes’ could be converted into dollars, though this plan never actually came to fruition. Had the likes-to-dollars conversion occurred, The Faster Times’s editors and writers could have been the 95th highest paid collective of journalist-bloggers in the first quarter of 2010.

In lieu of flowers, the remaining two editors who didn’t wish the Faster Times a slow and painful death are asking for mourners to “Like” the Faster Times’s Corpse’s Facebook page.



  1. Remaining Editor

      Ouch. I think. Actually, I’m kind of honored.

  2. Sam Apple

      Okay, I think this is a, uh, joke, as part of “mean week” — which is a good concept. But, the neurotic in me — that is, all of me — still wants it on the record that we are actually doing pretty well, and that, unlike most similar sites, we still pay something — if not nearly enough — to our regular writers. Also, we’re extremely good in bed.
      -Sam Apple

  3. Catherine Lacey

      We’re writing snarky obits for basically everyone/everything on the internet this week, so don’t get your feelings hurt over nothing. Carry on, Faster Times.