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September 15th, 2011 / 4:18 pm
Mean

The One MFA Program to Rule Them All

Scott Kenemore is very angry that his beloved Columbia University has fallen to #47 in the Poets & Writers MFA rankings and he’s going to tell you exactly why Columbia has the awesomest MFA program in all the world.

1. Columbia is expensive and that makes it awesome.

2. Fancy writers teach at Columbia and that makes it awesome.

3. Writers who go to cheaper schools end up selling chapbooks in quantities of 500 (?) and teaching at those terrible regional universities in fly-over states so Columbia is awesome.

4. He has written six novels! All his Columbia friends are equally successful. Even though you may not be able to name one of his six books, Columbia is awesome.

5. Only writers who attend Columbia (or the one school he considers superior, Iowa) have genitals. The rest of you have the smooth plastic of  Barbie and Ken so Columbia is awesome.

6. Unlike the thousands of writers at other MFA programs, or heaven forbid those writers who dare to write without the degree, students at Columbia want to be successful so Columbia is awesome.

7. The MFA rankings should include a category for manuscript placement and FOUR FIGURE advances so Columbia is awesome. (That last idea, minus the suggested prestige of a four figure advance is a good one.)

To summarize, Columbia is the awesomest and only MFA program worth attending if you are a serious, important writer. Other than Iowa.

Here is a rational, smart response to all this MFA ranking business (via Hobart’s Tumblr).