by Guillaume Morissette
Véhicule Press, 2014
1. Video games don’t offer happiness—or exciting work environments.
2. This novel reminded me how bad I am at French. (My dreams of conversing with Guillaume in a foreign language are crushed.)
3. My generation is both really poor and unhappy—even with college degrees and semi-supportive parents. (On the bright side: we like to party a lot.)
4. Don’t know why Ines and company allowed Dan to live with them. Even if he did offer to pay cash up front, why would you want to live with a creepy forty-something?
5. This novel furthered the American stereotype that Canadians drink a lot of beer.
6. Brent’s an asshole—I don’t like him. (Whomever “Brent” was based off of, if you’re reading this, I hope we’re given an opportunity to meet and reconcile so my current opinion of you can change to a more positive one.)
7. When I first started this novel, the writing style kind of reminded me of Taipei by Tao Lin—but I got over that quickly because Morissette’s characters were actually interesting.
8. To reiterate: I liked this novel way more than Taipei.
9. To whomever “Cristian” is based off of: let’s build an ice rink together.
10. This novel really made me want to move to Montreal. Apparently that’s where the party’s at.
11. To whomever “Shannon” is based off of: you’ll find love—I promise.
12. Jesus Christ, who has a $2,100 electric bill?
13. The only thing I didn’t particularly didn’t care for in this novel were the random one-liners that seemed to come from nowhere: “Unscrew my penis and replace it with a take a penny, leave a penny tray.” (Guillaume, I recommend you listen to the song “Detachable Penis” by King Missile, because that’s what I thought of when I read this line.)
14. In case you didn’t know, Romy has a nervous laughing problem.
15. To whomever “Lev” is based off of: everyone experiences suffering you asshole. Life is suffering. You don’t get the same pardon as Brent—I don’t ever want to meet with you and reconcile simply because you claim to have that stupid philosophy.
16. I don’t understand my generation’s obsession with MDMA.
17. Kind of want to experience Guillaume Morissette dancing to techno music.
18. Glad to see Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind mentioned in this novel. (It was like getting a little present within the big present known as New Tab.)
19. Who gossips to their girlfriend that you overheard your roommate masturbating? Everyone does it, jack-off. (Quick note: that pun was seriously not intended but I’m keeping it.)
20. Feel like Canadian police are way more lax compared to American law enforcement.
21. Really wanted Thomas and Romy to date—but life likes to be a cock tease.
22. Coming of age lesson from this novel: we all can’t be 26 forever.
23. New Tab deserves all the hype it’s getting.
24. Pretty confident that Morissette will continue to see success after “alt lit” is good and dead. He’s not a fad or a gimmick—he’s just a damn good writer.
25. New Tab, for me, surpasses Dave Eggers’ last three works. The point of writing isn’t to be self-righteous—the point is to relate to an audience through the human condition. Morissette clearly accomplished that.