April 12th, 2012 / 9:36 am

What kind of sandwiches do you like to eat? What kind of sandwiches do you like to make? Have you ever enjoyed a sandwich made by a stranger and attempted to make a copy of your own in private? Have you ever stolen a sandwich? Have you ever stolen food? Have you ever stolen anything that was quite expensive? Have you ever committed a felony? Are you a criminal? What is the most exotic animal you’ve ever ridden? Are you interested in ambergris? What is the longest you’ve ever gone without eating? Do you read anything that makes you think it is possible to interact with humans in consistently positive ways? Have you ever had sex on a plane? Have you ever seen anything no reasonable person would believe? What’s the best way to kill an hour? What is your favorite color? Do you know anybody named Fanny who is under 40 and isn’t British? Ever been inside a pyramid? How long have you gone without showering? Ever met a venerator of Satan? What do you think about globalization and the internet? What can you tell me about the “dark web?” How about that line from Raekwon’s Only Built 4 Cuban Linx… that mentions a “27-inch Zenith” which has in the interim become a respectably-but-not-shockingly-large TV size? Do you think you’d be one of the people refusing to administer shocks to someone with a heart condition if ordered to do so by an authority figure? Have you ever been really, really star-struck? Has anyone you’ve told about being star-struck appeared bored by your experience? Have you ever had intercourse on [a] psychedelic substance[s] and thought you were inside an octopus or that you were an actual octopus? What do you think about the narrative possibilities of a series of questions? Have you ever owned an Erector Set? If someone hasn’t read P.P. is s/he also allowed to construct a series of questions in book form and plaster excerpts in public places and make vimeo videos with celebrities and porn stars reading from the series and still love J.J. for implanting the image of an arm inserted elbowdeep in a male vulva in his/her mind and for coining (among xxxxxxx) pronouns “shis” and “hrim?” What’s your sign, birl? Have you ever been dangerously close to murdering someone? Maiming? Do you take the national security of the United States of America seriously? Would you take a bite out of a human heart (and not even necessarily swallow) for $3,500 (or for nothing if you must) if a donor had stipulated in THEIR will that THEY would donate $3,500,000 to all cancers if someone did the heart biting thing and took money for it.com? Do you ever slip into certain modes of thinking/speaking based on your level of ______? Does heavy whipping cream always sound erotic to you? Ever listen to “I Like It Rough” on repeat while beating yourself in the face with a velveteen hammer just to “see what happens?” EP UPI RBRT make coffee at night then put it in cup and place the cup somewhere so it can cool off and not “attract attention” then after it has cooled off place the cup next to your bed so it will be there when you wake up because if you wake up without the cup there you might not be able to get up and make coffee and you also like the shudder induced by the cold bitterness? Have you ever seen your name on a blimp/”met” Jason Schwartzman? Do you think I spelled it correctly without looking it up? Do you know what an SP-1200 is? What is the most notable song (and only one I can think of right now) referencing the SP-1200? Wanna go inside a pyramid?


  1. mimi

      good job spelling ‘it’ correctly! it’s fun to look ‘it’ up! DID you?  

       pronoun, nominative it,possessive its or ( Obsolete or Dialect ) it, objective it; pluralnominative they, possessive their or theirs, objectivethem; nounpronoun1.(used to represent an inanimate thing understood,previously mentioned, about to be mentioned, or present inthe immediate context): It has whitewall tires and redupholstery. You can’t tell a book by its cover.
      2.(used to represent a person or animal understood,previously mentioned, or about to be mentioned whosegender is unknown or disregarded): It was the largest evercaught off the Florida coast. Who was it? It was John. The horse hadits saddle on.
      3.(used to represent a group understood or previouslymentioned): The judge told the jury it must decide two issues.
      4.(used to represent a concept or abstract idea understood orpreviously stated): It all started with Adam and Eve. He has beentaught to believe it all his life.
      5.(used to represent an action or activity understood,previously mentioned, or about to be mentioned): Since youdon’t like it, you don’t have to go skiing.
      6.(used as the impersonal subject of the verb to be,  especiallyto refer to time, distance, or the weather): It is six o’clock. Itis five miles to town. It was foggy.7.(used in statements expressing an action, condition, fact,circumstance, or situation without reference to an agent): Ifit weren’t for Edna, I wouldn’t go.8.(used in referring to something as the origin or cause ofpain, pleasure, etc.): Where does it hurt? It looks bad for thecandidate.9.(used in referring to a source not specifically named ordescribed): It is said that love is blind.10.(used in referring to the general state of affairs;circumstances, fate, or life in general): How’s it going withyou?11.(used as an anticipatory subject or object to make asentence more eloquent or suspenseful or to shiftemphasis): It is necessary that you do your duty. It was a gun thathe was carrying.12.Informal . (used instead of the pronoun its  before a gerund):It having rained for only one hour didn’t help the crops.13.(in children’s games) the player called upon to performsome task, as, in tag, the one who must catch the otherplayers.
      14.Slang .a.sex appeal.b.sexual intercourse.

  2. mimi

      it’s fun to cut&paste and then find out what happens to formatting!

  3. Anonymous

      Turkey. At least pickles on it.

      I don’t like to make food, it’s boring. I just do it because I have to.


      Yes. I used to work security at night and would steal lunches out of office fridges.

      See above.

      Camcorder in 1999.

      No felonies.


      I don’t think I’ve ever ridden any animal.

      I’ve read Moby-Dick twice, otherwise not really.

      Around 48 hours.
      All the time.


      Not really.

      Walking around and not thinking about anything

      Dark greens, grey, black.



      A week. But I was “roughing it”.


      +/- ‘s


      I know who that is but I don’t actively listen to what he does.


      I don’t think so.

      They would be.


      Been done, could still be.


      I stopped reading this one after maybe the 25th word.


      No, but I have fantasized about a revenge killing.

      I knocked out someone’s teeth once if that counts.

      Sort of.





      No, but I make green tea at night and put it in a thermos type dealie for the next morning/day.


      Don’t know.


      I don’t know

      Not especially.

  4. M. Kitchell

      i briefly flirted with the deep web in an interest in navigating the dark web, but then it turned out to be mostly stupid shit that goth 17 year olds in 1996 would have been way into combined with child porn (at least, presumably. i was a lil too afraid to actually look into any porn channels b/c frankly i like not being in prison right now)  and people buying drugs.  like life, it was ultimately disappointing. 

  5. Frank Tas, the Raptor

      I used to work at Panera so I can’t really talk about sandwiches with any emotional distance.

  6. Tim Dicks

      I would bite a human heart for 1/10th of that.

  7. Tim Dicks

      Consider that a formal offer.

  8. Melissa Broder

      Tuna salad. Turkey. Yes, low-cal reuben. Stole
      sand in nursery school. Stole food. No stole expensive. No felony. No criminal.
      Ridden camel maybe. Oh yeah ambergris moby dick thing. Prob a day w/ no food. Yes read secret
      book. No sex on plane. Yes seen and felt. Kill an hour answering this. I like
      black. Know a cat named fanny. Never been in pyramid. Gone week no shower prob.
      Love satan. I don’t think about globe. Internet killing me. Love dark web. It
      has black sapphires where each strand meet. Wanna be darker. Might get rid of Netflix.
      I am a follower—wld admin shocks. Yeah star struck. Ppl bored lots if they no
      like Gossip Girl. Yes intercourse on psychedelic substance but no octopus (not
      a visual person—word and feeling person). I think this is good Brooks. No
      erector. My dead guinea pig named pp. someone hasn’t read P.P. Always 4get
      about male vulva. I am virgo, scorp moon, sag rising. Prob cldnt kill a person.
      Have hit. I 4get abt national security but think abt personal security lots. Yeah
      wld bite a human heart. Yeah on my level of caring what u think which is high. Heaving
      whipping cream not rilly. No. Jason Schwartzman can bite me and so can wes
      whatevs and owen and zach galifiarjwng;nakis. Maybe. No. No. ? YEAH!!!

  9. J.D.A. Winslow


  10. shaun gannon

      i didn’t read any of that

  11. deadgod

      One who has stolen, which I’ve done, has stolen “food” compensatorily.  The question is one of need.  “[I]f the need be so manifest and urgent, that it is evident that the present need must be remedied by whatever means be at hand […], then it is lawful for a person to succor her or his own need by means of another’s property […]:  nor is this properly speaking theft or robbery.”  http://www.newadvent.org/summa/3066.htm#article7 .  I stole because it was fun.

      I’m not a “criminal”.  I have committed and do infrequently commit crimes.

      Many things I’ve read encourage optimism about consistently positive human interaction.  Marx, for example.

      I’ve seen a kung-fu expert do a magical thing, about which I remain skeptical but slightly more credulous than I was before seeing it ‘happen’ (or ‘it’ happen).

      ‘Fani’ (Φανη – stress on the ‘η’:  fah-NEE) is an uncommon but not surprising-to-hear name in Greece today.  http://www.greek-names.info/fani/ .  (The first comment on that thread is substantially inaccurate.)

      To identify an ethnos (‘tribe’) or self-identify as a member of an ethnos is already to be in a global context.  Shrinking the Earth commercially, militarily, and migratorily – as with the internet – is a technical metastasization of ethnic difference, in my view.  There’s a lot more practically to say about the Earth-scaled connectivity of the internet.

      I don’t think I would administer an electric shock to anyone just because an authority figure ordered it.  In rage, for revenge, in combat, for some other momentary compulsion – much more likely.  But I think demanding rationality or at least rationalization (beyond raw force) from “authority” has to be somehow beat out of a person.  Sadly for those sensitive to electrical current, plenty of room for an authority figure to manipulate such obedience out of me, though.

      Clearly, a series of questions – perhaps any series of questions – has tremendous narrative possibilities, the actual being prior to the potential.

      I take the national security of America seriously enough genuinely to worry that it’s mostly in incompetent, mendacious, and corrupt hands.  It worries and saddens me that the ‘West’ seems about as safe as it deserves to be.

      I’d love to enter a pyramid.

  12. Anonymous

      i like big macs – they hit the spot

  13. Mr. Frank Rodriguez

      I skipped to the end, but an SP-1200 is a sampler. Probably some Madlib song is the most famous. The beats for Busta’s fist album were made on one. I once had an SP-404.

  14. reynard

      is it yellow wallpaper month at htmlgiant? what does the snippet say about the contemporary art of resting on your laurels, as if you had any laurels, as if there were an ocean? what is the big deal about sluts? can you or can you not open a jar of pickles while masturbating? is there such a thing as kansas? will we ever know if writers exist on kepler 22-b? how and when is the best time to tell someone that you don’t have asperger’s, you’re just not that into them? what kind of amendments do you make to your potato salad? have you ever hit a golf ball so hard it split in two? did that make you feel like a man? especially if you are a woman? do you think golf is the king of elitist sports? how do you feel about the conference of the birds? the state of portuguese literature? syria? did you know we are still in an ice age? how many harper’s essays does it take to fuck up american literature? do you wish people would take your questions seriously? why? is it weird to want a tattoo of your own arm on your arm? how much do you think that would cost? does india pale ale put a fire in your gullet? is it not funny to imagine ghandi drunk on ipa, ordering the slaughter of innocent people in a clean white suit that somehow got just one drop of blood on the inside of the elbow, which ghandi spies through the corner of his eye as he reaches for another banana? do you ever watch a police car pass and think long on the black cloud they carry around which whispers, all at once, the name of every lawyer that will ever exist?

  15. Brooks Sterritt

      It does seem like the idea of the dark web is more interesting than the reality. But maybe there is a darker portion of the darker web that is super hidden!

  16. Brooks Sterritt

      love “black sapphires where each strand meet”/haha @ zach galifafewaefwaefw

  17. Brooks Sterritt


  18. Tyler Paige

      i’ve heard all these answers put together backwards is your porn star name

  19. Nandikesha Jungwirth

      the last sandwich i ate was rosemary ham smoked gouda dijon mustard with the seeds still intact and i liked it and also the smokin’ goat from PBJ’s food cart on NW 23rd in PDX where i work. it has homemade almond butter and the apricot jam is whole fruit and it has applewood-smoked bacon and goat cheese and it’s explosive yum. not yet. i think my only thievery was multiple handfuls of orange gumballs from shopko when i was 9 because the gumball machine lid was partially off. i biked home and bawled the guilt out. what’s a felony? have you ever committed a fela kuti? are questions contagious? are answers antidotes? has crime gone viral? what if no one watched? i rode an elephant once but it may have been a camel and i may have been dreaming or imagining or visualizing two months ago. my dad smoked camels. does ambergris mean getting encased in amber? amber lenz. i haven’t gone very long. food finds my mouth finds my food and i eat it. i read the words of Sri Anandamayi Ma and i see something of my Self there. I’ve had sex on the horizontal plane. I saw a mothman once. I’d tell you about it but you wouldn’t believe me, or you would and it wouldn’t matter. with breath. the color of usnea in the gloam. fanny is the name of alexa’s dog in missouri and she isn’t 40 yet but she might be immortal who knows. if i’d been in a pyramid i might know. oh i don’t know a couple weeks on post mountain last may before the sun starting adequately heating the solar shower. a venerator of satan, you ask? i distrust your phrasing. i’ve met a salivator of Bacon. he lives in the mirror me. i don’t think about globalization. i am now though. thanks. i think of james ferraro. and ring tones that are gone. i wonder what the lifespan of the internet will be and if the internet will have intercourse with a butterfly net or a three-way with a pair of blonde castanets or get right fucked by a rusted bayonet and something, something will change. the “dark web” is seen only when the light. wu. tang. wu. tang. i’d be shocked if i shocked anybody. when i met gary snyder i felt funny. i haven’t really talked about it before. no octopussive psychedelic sex trips but once on amanita we sea horsed the waves crashing. dude, the possibilities are unfolding, for sure. i play with my erection sometimes. that question was long and lost me but “hrim” is a bij mantra, a seed syllable. i’ve never even been safely close to murdering someone but i went xmas story ralphie bananas on a kid who broked my glasses and laughed on the grass of my backyard 9 years old. it feels like everything in my memory happens when i was 9. i can’t believe i haven’t vomited in twenty years. what if i never vomit again? hot dog chunks in the driveway will really be the last time? i wonder if the concrete remembers the near-meaty stench. my dad hosed it away. into the street? where did you go, last puke of my life? wait, did you ask what my sign is? it’s scorpio. i know, i know. SCORPIO. oOoooOoooOo. it’s libra. settle down, tropical zodiac. get sidereal for a second, ya feel? i think the national insecurity of the United States of America is much more interesting. i want to hear soundbites invoking national insecurity as the reason for off shore drilling a bandana masked anarchist’s head. “it’s a matter of national insecurity.” i would heartbite in a heartbeat. sometimes i slip into modes of vagina based on my level of smiling and appearing to struggle with not looking down. heavy whipping cream is the title of a book i really don’t want to read so don’t make me read it if that’s okay. i like the word cream though. cream. that’s a seed syllable too. krim. kalirotic. a velveteen hammer in a clawfoot bathtub sees what happens. seize what happens. surrender what may. keep coffee away from my tongue. that question made me imagine jason schwartzman as really really fat. then i felt a twinge of sad. i don’t want to think about it. it looks right to me. schwartz means “black” doesn’t it? come on, german class. someone left a comment already about the SP-1200 and something with madlib. i download his releases before the label flags them for removal. i like when he leaves his music in random places in LA and posts online for people to go get it. that makes me like him and i want to buy his beats. but i don’t. life’s taking turns with me. it sure is small in here. it sure is all.