Author Photo Failures

Posted by @ 5:48 am on March 22nd, 2010

Ah, the multitude of ways an author photo can come out so very wrong.

Here’s a classic:

Let’s forget for a moment that this is Dan Brown and instead just list all the ways his photographer/stylist managed to make him look like a schmuck:

Shit-eating grin, Ye Olde Boys Club decor, leaning against the fireplace, hand on hip, feet positioned for him to pirouette to his next manicure, T-shirt tucked into belted Dad Jeans… Oh my god I have to stop. Next…

This is actually an ok picture, I think, but it fails because it vastly misrepresents Joyce Carol Oates. Plausible Caption: “Oh, you know, I just like writing these pretty little stories about whimsical kittens and knitting hats for the kids down at the children’s hospital. Would you like a warm cookie? Because I just made some ginger snaps!” (Admittedly, this picture may have never been used on a book jacket.)

Truman, Truman, Truman. Jesus Christ, man, get some sun already! Whatever happened to your boyish good looks? Holding a cigarette while gripping your head and giving the camera a put-me-out-of-my-misery stare? For fucks sake.

Ok, ok, we get it, Richard Dawkins. You’re a militant atheist. Everyone is selfish. You invented the word “meme.” But do you really have to frown so pointedly in your picture? And in front of a red background? It’s almost like he wants to be called the Antichrist. Actually, of course he wants to be called the Antichrist.

Ok, that’s all the mean I have in me right now. Where is Jimmy Chen when you need him?