February 27th, 2009 / 2:49 pm
Author Spotlight

Kanye West VH1 Storytellers

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Man I am so excited for VH1 STORYTELLERS!  I am so excited for it I originally typed VH! STORYTELLERS!  My uncle was at the MEATLOAF VH1 STORYTELLERS!  He said it was awesome because Meatloaf would be all like “Well, I was wanting to do YOU KNOW *audience laughs* with some hot girl and we were in my CAR and she was like ‘No I’m a Catholic girl who likes sex after marriage not BEFORE marriage because of JESUS and you should marry me and love me until the end of time,’ and I was like OKAY because I love baseball and baseball is a metaphor for everything and I wanted to hit a HOMERUN and by HOMERUN I mean, well, you know *audience laughs* and that’s how I came up with the song ‘Objects in the Rearview Mirror May Appear Closer Than They Are’ and here we goooooo” PIANO!

But yes!  Kanye West is going to be on VH1 Storytellers!  I am so excited to hear Kanye TELL STORIES.  Don’t be fooled by the outdated google image search photo up there, Kanye now has a MOHAWK!  In that photo he was going through an Orlando Magic phase!  No one can shoot the deep ball quite like Hedo Turkoglu and KANYE KNEW THIS!  Now he’s coppin’ Terrance Hayes’ style circa 2007!

According to the Internets, they’ve had to cut multiple portions of Kanye’s STORYTELLIN’ because they might be considered offensive!  At first I was all like ‘Whaaaat?’ and then I was like ‘Oh’ because I remembered that VH1 is the home of Jon Secada and Taylor Dayne and Phil Collins and they’ve never used a curse word a day in their lives, except that one time that they would play Eminem’s ‘Stan’ and I’d be like ‘Wow!  VH1!’ and then it was that DIDO song and I knew I should’ve listened to the electronic rain to determine the difference!  So stupid, Brian!  So stupid!

Among the things that are being cut is about how Kanye thinks Thom Yorke of Radiohead snubbed him at the Oscars, Chris Brown made a simple punching mistake, and OJ Simpson and Michael Phelps are AWESOME!

I couldn’t help but think about that crazy edition of VH1 Storytellers:  Joyce Carol Oates where she was saying all sorts of ridiculous stuff such as “When I was back stage at Oprah accepting the Oprah Book Club Award for ‘We Were The Mulvaneys’, Noah Wyle walked right past me and didn’t congratulate me on my prolific writerly life!  I always thought he carried himself extremely well as Dr. John Carter and I was so looking forward to his role on the TNT Original Series ‘The Librarian:  Quest for the Spear’ but seriously, I’m so glad that Brad Pitt won the 2001 People’s Sexiest Man Alive title from that douche!”

and “I awkwardly love boxing!  Ho ho ho!  I think more people should be punched in the face!  We could call it ‘BOXING EVERYWHERE’!  Write that shit down, I’m Joyce Carol Oates!”

and “O.J. Simpson, amazing. Is he not? What he did, when he did, what he did. Was he not amazing though?”

When are they gonna make a VH1 STORYTELLERS:  STEPHEN KING!?!?  Now THAT guy can tell a story!  How did he get the idea of CELLPHONES turning people into ZOMBIES!  I mean, wow!  I’ve never thought about technology in that way!  And KILLER DOGS!

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