5 ways to get elias to like you

buy him an expensive dinner, an expensive outfit, or something expensive that he would like

tell elias about yourself but don’t talk too much about yourself or elias will tune you out

never under any circumstance tell elias that he’s your second favorite person

if you call elias in the middle of the night, please have something important to say to him (i.e. elias i just bought you a super expensive outfit) or he will terminate your relationship

do not bore elias under any circumstance

 
 

jonathan franzen despises elias

jonathan franzen does not like elias for some reason. it’s probably because elias writes a lot on the internet and jonathan franzen doesn’t know how to use the internet properly

 
 

elias grew up in greece

elias was a happy child in greece. he was super popular and everyone loved him. if this is a surprise to you, then you have a lot more to learn about elias

 
 

9 words that describe elias

intelligent
peaceful
interesting
sarcastic
swagtastic
intriguing
humble
funny
totalitarian

 
 

the kanye west tweet that sums up elias in a nutshell

‘i love me’

 
 

parts of elias 

brain:  elias’s brain is bigger than yours.  it is also smarter and prettier than yours

talent: elias has been talented since he was an embryo

style: anna wintour went into cardiac arrest when she spotted elias being fashionable somewhere

face: elias’s face inspired our president (barrack obama) to run for a second term

prose: elisas’s prose is far superior to jonathan (not franzen) safran foer’s prose

swag: elias’s swag has launched 1000 ships

outlook on life: elias’s life outlook is similar to nietzsche’s except it is less boring

 
 

photo of beyonce flirting with elias at one of her shows

 
 

stuff elias learned while growing up in thessaloniki

how to write
how to be a boss
how to cook
how to edit
how to keep his enemy’s closer
how to enjoy literature
how to express his love of literature
how to perfect his dmx bark

 
 

read these tweets by elias every morning so you’re reminded of his genius 

(replies italicized):

i am so alone, like a lilo us weekly cover, when she could get that- ikr

are my dealers already in hamptpns summering

(in case you re unaware: #eurovision is a competition exactly like ‘the hunger games,’ but for who can be the most ace of base) – damn, thanks for explaining. i was mad confused before 

morally opposed to coachella

fact: when ppl smell amazing they do it so your bedding smells amazing and i ll want to sleep w/ them again – omg get outta my head!

post-mainstreaming-of-normcore

at some point in the next ten years i want to understand what copywriters do – this is everything 

all of the supermarkets changed layouts

the hardest thing in the business of doing things for people is making them think something was their own idea

trying to make a met gala joke that is esoteric, insightful, captures the totality of fashion & culture and is still inclusive – lol so good

 
 

3 ways in which elias and earl simmons are similar 

they are both males
they are both creatives
they’ve both been through mad different phases like masons

—–

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS?

(VOL I/ III OBVI contd… but check out the tags, omfg SOOO fani!!)

happy weekend htmlg <3

Tags: anonymity, fanmail, hatemail, imthewritergottaloveme, internet, lovemeorhateme, tlc, troll