Contests
Funny conservative poetry: a contest
For the most part, conservatives do horrible political satire. Ahem. Ahem. Ahem.
Browsing our sales table today, I found a book by a National Review contributing editor named W.H. von Dreele. It’s a book of poems. “Funny” poems. It’s called There’s Something About a Liberal (Arlington House Press, 1970). Here’s one:
Dr. Goldwater, Call Surgery
Although I live in New York State,
I’d cheerfully accept my fate
If Barry sawed the seaboard off
And watched us vanish in a trough.
New York is full of liberals. Hah!
Yeah. Well. How about this:
Repression, Anyone?
Take me back to boola-boola;
Row me to the Raritan
Strum a uke for dear old Duke;
Raccoon it, on rattan.
Tired watching campus cuties
Brawling for their next degree.
Sock ’em up and lock ’em up.
Then throw away the key.
Really stuck it to those campus radicals, there. I’m glad those kids got shot at Kent State.
Also in the book? At least two Ted Kennedy Chappaquiddick poems. Which I think we all know is a classy thing to write funny doggerel about, right?
This book calls for a contest, I think.
What say we help ’em out. We’re writers. Some of us are probably funny. If you are a liberal, drink deep from your well of self-loathing. If you are a conservative, bump your game up a little. Write me a funny, conservative-leaning satire in verse. Best poem gets a copy of There’s Something About a Liberal AND a copy of Ariana Reines book of slaughterhouse poems, The Cow. (Balance.)
Go.
Tags: ariana, conservative humor
Oh once there was a welfare queen
Who drove no car, she was so green
She did not work, had no commute
And in this way did not pollute
She thought the way to save our nation
Was through such thorough conservation!
or
They play guitars in campus bars
All strumming for Tibet
With Pearl Jam songs and three-foot bongs
They haven’t swayed the Chinese yet
—-
i guess these are more “funny” than funny. oh well
Oh once there was a welfare queen
Who drove no car, she was so green
She did not work, had no commute
And in this way did not pollute
She thought the way to save our nation
Was through such thorough conservation!
or
They play guitars in campus bars
All strumming for Tibet
With Pearl Jam songs and three-foot bongs
They haven’t swayed the Chinese yet
—-
i guess these are more “funny” than funny. oh well
IN THE BACKSEAT OF A JALOPY
THERE ARE A LOT OF MINORITIES
HIDING UNDER BLANKETS
FROM THE HOT SUN
BUT THOSE TWO COYOTES DRIVING
DON’T KNOW A DAMN THING
BECAUSE THEY’RE SCREWY
AND THEY ONLY SPEAK SPANISH
SO THEY SMUGGLE THOSE MINORITIES
INTO BELIZE!!!!
======
AWFUL
WHOOPS
*FROM THE HOT SUN
AND THE BORDER GUARDS!
IN THE BACKSEAT OF A JALOPY
THERE ARE A LOT OF MINORITIES
HIDING UNDER BLANKETS
FROM THE HOT SUN
BUT THOSE TWO COYOTES DRIVING
DON’T KNOW A DAMN THING
BECAUSE THEY’RE SCREWY
AND THEY ONLY SPEAK SPANISH
SO THEY SMUGGLE THOSE MINORITIES
INTO BELIZE!!!!
======
AWFUL
WHOOPS
*FROM THE HOT SUN
AND THE BORDER GUARDS!
BEAUTIFUL.
BEAUTIFUL.
Look! your hierarchy of genocide is so twentieth century.
Bad Presidents only happen in the present tense.
How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A lot less than the group Afghanis trying to find a kidney stone
In a stack of goat shit.
Man, that is a giant pile of Heroine.
Maybe he’s behind it?
Maybe he’s hired some mules to move it?
Let’s build a submarine and find the underwater lair.
Let’s build a submarine and move some mad blow.
Let’s build a submarine and do some mad blow.
Let’s do some mad blow and build a submarine.
Let’s build an underwater lair and do all the mad blow.
Let’s just mad blow the underwater lair and be a bad president.
Look! your hierarchy of genocide is so twentieth century.
Bad Presidents only happen in the present tense.
How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A lot less than the group Afghanis trying to find a kidney stone
In a stack of goat shit.
Man, that is a giant pile of Heroine.
Maybe he’s behind it?
Maybe he’s hired some mules to move it?
Let’s build a submarine and find the underwater lair.
Let’s build a submarine and move some mad blow.
Let’s build a submarine and do some mad blow.
Let’s do some mad blow and build a submarine.
Let’s build an underwater lair and do all the mad blow.
Let’s just mad blow the underwater lair and be a bad president.
I love you like global warming
So that would be a false love
And my mistress/baby love is doomed
Like healthcare
Why can’t we bomb all the universities?
Why can’t we just recede from the world
Like the hairline of the Man
The bible says
The constitution…
Wait a minute let me listen
To the radio
The bible says
The apocalypse will be
Holy
Like freedom
Or the golf course.
I love you like global warming
So that would be a false love
And my mistress/baby love is doomed
Like healthcare
Why can’t we bomb all the universities?
Why can’t we just recede from the world
Like the hairline of the Man
The bible says
The constitution…
Wait a minute let me listen
To the radio
The bible says
The apocalypse will be
Holy
Like freedom
Or the golf course.
“Really stuck it to those campus radicals, there. I’m glad those kids got shot at Kent State.”
Yeah, that’s a stretch, worse than the poet’s stretch in that awful book. I must have interpreted the poem differently.
“Really stuck it to those campus radicals, there. I’m glad those kids got shot at Kent State.”
Yeah, that’s a stretch, worse than the poet’s stretch in that awful book. I must have interpreted the poem differently.
kent read kent write kent state
kent read kent write kent state
a woman from my high school (John F. Kennedy, Silver Spring, MD) was killed during the Kent State shootings
Four Dead in Ohio is a great Neil Young song
a woman from my high school (John F. Kennedy, Silver Spring, MD) was killed during the Kent State shootings
Four Dead in Ohio is a great Neil Young song
Nancy Pelosi’s Cock
I’d like my checks without a balance
Glad Connecticut’s done the Irish fool
Like the Kennedy’s with a dalliance
I’m all for everyone being biracial
Except the donkeys. Return to sender.
You give them an inch, they turn transgender.
Nancy Pelosi’s Cock
I’d like my checks without a balance
Glad Connecticut’s done the Irish fool
Like the Kennedy’s with a dalliance
I’m all for everyone being biracial
Except the donkeys. Return to sender.
You give them an inch, they turn transgender.
Matthew,
“For the most part, conservatives do horrible political satire.”
I guess you haven’t seen NewsBusted yet?
Thomas Newton
Conservative Poet
This is for the cops who have to deal with the Occupy Protesters:
Beat down a left wing loon
While you sing this happy tune
Empty your can of pepper spray
And Taze the bro where he lay
Don’t be shy, use your sticks
Beat the hell out of these pricks
When you go home and have a beer
Hold your wife all close and dear
The work you did was fine and grand
True Americans give you a hand
hi, I am actually the lead singer and guitar player for what i believe (maybe) is the only republican satire band here is a song we have 3 dislikes so I THINK WE REALLY ARE GREAT THE PUBLIC HAS SPOKEN
(sorry this is kind of LOW-BROW, no grade-a humor here)http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uY73uj4Puc4
when the corrupt liberal media
is out there and deceivin ya
who among us will take a stand
because all the news reporters
are lying and distorting all the things we need to understand
O Glenn Beck
you are our favorite man
O Glenn Beck
tell us all your plans
he’s a zany libertarian
fearmongering hairy man
wellversed in history
sketch the truth on a whiteboard
capitalist overlord
you solved the gdp mistery
AMERICA
I think today will be a better day
AMERICA
do it the American way
The
Land of Snerk by Mark Iannantuoni
A long time ago,
in the land of SnerkMost of its
citizens went to work.They worked all
week without a fuss
most of them for
forty hours plus!If along his
commute, a Snerkian passed a fellow whowas in need of a
shirt, or some food or some shoes,From an early
age, that Snerkian was taughtto give from the
gains that his hard work had brought.
For one day he
knew that he too might be stucklike that poor fellow
Snerkian down on his luck.When he would
give, he would give all he couldand he found in
return that it made him feel good!
Now the leaders
of Snerk saw a flaw with this scheme.with all of that
giving, who needed their teams?So when election
time came, the Snerkian leaders said hey, It’s not decent
for Snerkians begging this way!
We’ll set up a
system with no questions askedWe’ll provide for
the unlucky, we’re up to the taskWe’ll give them a
shirt and some food and some shoes
We’ll take care
of their needs, what wonderful news!
So the Snerkians
being a most trusting lot
voted them in,
but were surprised what they got.In order to give what
the leaders said they could,another system
was started “for the Snerkian good”
Now this system,
as the Snerkians soon foundwas developed to
help spread their earnings around.If a Snerkian
worked a job for more pay,then more of his
money was taken away!
Some of that
money did provide for the poorBut a lot of it
was used to provide for much more!The leadership
hired Snerkians to write some new lawsAnd their systems
kept growing; and the systems had flaws!
As new leaders came
and old leaders wentThe leaders lost
track of all they had spentFor the new
systems had grown so big in size that the ‘down on
their luck’, needn’t work their whole lives!
And those
Snerkians who were working forty hours plus,began to complain
and create quite a fuss!“Why do all of
you on the leadership team spend so much of
our money on this ridiculous scheme?”
“The poor are no
longer just down on their luck.You’ve made them
dependent and now they’re all stuck!Free food, shirts
and shoes are too common in SnerkBut NOT for those
Snerkians who do all the work!”
And as they
complained, the leadership laughed,for they knew working
Snerkians now made up less than half!Their votes
didn’t matter, the leaders couldn’t lose!Their votes came
from the fifty-one percent receiving free shoes!
They turned on
the workers and called them all greedy“They are the
ones who don’t care for the needy!Keep voting for
us, we’ll cure all of your needs!Once they are
met, we’ll give you baubles and beads!”
Unfortunately for
Snerk, it was revealed too lateThat these new
systems caused the Snerkians to hate!Those who
received, and refused to workbelieved that the
rest were all greedy jerks!
And the anger
that built from all those who paidwas because of
the systems that the leadership made.For in the new
systems all the workers got stuckAnd it became far
better to be down on your luck!
A long time ago,
in the land of Snerk
Most of its
citizens went to work.
They worked all
week without a fuss
most of them for
forty hours plus!
If along his
commute, a Snerkian passed a fellow who
was in need of a
shirt, or some food or some shoes,
From an early
age, that Snerkian was taught
to give from the
gains that his hard work had brought.
For one day he
knew that he too might be stuck
like that poor fellow
Snerkian down on his luck.
When he would
give, he would give all he could
and he found in
return that it made him feel good!
Now the leaders
of Snerk saw a flaw with this scheme.
with all of that
giving, who needed their teams?
So when election
time came, the Snerkian leaders said hey,
It’s not decent
for Snerkians begging this way!
We’ll set up a
system with no questions asked
We’ll provide for
the unlucky, we’re up to the task
We’ll give them a
shirt and some food and some shoes
We’ll take care
of their needs, what wonderful news!
So the Snerkians
being a most trusting lot
voted them in,
but were surprised what they got.
In order to give what
the leaders said they could,
another system
was started “for the Snerkian good”
Now this system,
as the Snerkians soon found
was developed to
help spread their earnings around.
If a Snerkian
worked a job for more pay,
then more of his
money was taken away!
Some of that
money did provide for the poor
But a lot of it
was used to provide for much more!
The leadership
hired Snerkians to write some new laws
And their systems
kept growing; and the systems had flaws!
As new leaders came
and old leaders went
The leaders lost
track of all they had spent
For the new
systems had grown so big in size
that the ‘down on
their luck’, needn’t work their whole lives!
And those
Snerkians who were working forty hours plus,
began to complain
and create quite a fuss!
“Why do all of
you on the leadership team
spend so much of
our money on this ridiculous scheme?”
“The poor are no
longer just down on their luck.
You’ve made them
dependent and now they’re all stuck!
Free food, shirts
and shoes are too common in Snerk
But NOT for those
Snerkians who do all the work!”
And as they
complained, the leadership laughed,
for they knew working
Snerkians now made up less than half!
Their votes
didn’t matter, the leaders couldn’t lose!
Their votes came
from the fifty-one percent receiving free shoes!
They turned on
the workers and called them all greedy
“They are the
ones who don’t care for the needy!
Keep voting for
us, we’ll cure all of your needs!
Once they are
met, we’ll give you baubles and beads!”
Unfortunately for
Snerk, it was revealed too late
That these new
systems caused the Snerkians to hate!
Those who
received, and refused to work
believed that the
rest were all greedy jerks!
And the anger
that built from all those who paid
was because of
the systems that the leadership made.
For in the new
systems all the workers got stuck
And it became far
better to be down on your luck!
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