June 19th, 2012 / 12:37 pm

Tournament of Bookshit Final Matchup: ‘everybody has a story’ vs Sewage Treatment Technologies

[matchup #63 in Tournament of Bookshit]

If I just reword the debate, you will see there is no question here:

The story of the homeless man who recently got his face eaten off vs. Humanure

As you can see, even the most banal, average human story easily trumps a sewage treatment technology. But as language is a game in which I play really good, I will expand my argument with a memory thus bludgeoning you with my sweet opinion. Picture a small child, gazing up at her grandmother, her eyes wide with anticipation and respect for the matriarch, her attention clinging to her grandmother’s every word. Now picture a child listening to her grandma go on and on about growing up next to a PF Chang’s as grandma sat on the toilet and every once in a while demanded 8 squares of 2-ply—I could have listened to those stories for hours. The smell of crab wontons and northern style spare ribs still issuing from her soft, old-ass lady skin. Listening to those stories of a shared past, I felt a great sense of familial warmth like a curly hair in massage oil. It wasn’t just the historical facts of my grandmother’s stories that kept my attention for hours—that as a baby she escaped some horrible genocidal type thing in Europe or the mid-west or the time she rode on this big, huge boat that crashed into a glacier and sunk or actually, that was a blimp, I think—what kept me at attention was the amazing power of language to build vivid, infinite worlds in my mind, that and her fists were the size of hams. She wasn’t the most eloquent of story tellers, in fact she suffered from swollen tongue so often that most of the time it sounded like she was rolling a golf ball around in her mouth, but I could feel the urgency and emotion in her every word. Her life was the accumulation of her stories, and this defines our human condition. In comparison, sewage, treated or otherwise, ain’t shit. Septic tanks? Fine bubble diffusers? Froth flotation? Expanded granular sludge bed digestion? I’ll take my grandmother’s story about meeting my grandfather during the Great Sensation or watching the first Jewish president get knifed on cable any day.

Sommer Browning

– – –
GRAND CHAMPION: ‘everybody has a story’

[Ed. note: Well, that only took a whole year to play out. Lord! The winners of the prize pool as listed in the original post will be contacted soon to receive their bookshit. Thank to everyone who played along.]


  1. bartleby_taco

      it seems appropriate that ‘everybody has a story’ is the thing that wins on HTMLG AM I RIGHT ! HA H AA HAAHS DFFDDFDDF

  2. Trey

      radical upset, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

      especially since self-published sci-fi epic got FUCKING SHAFTED

  3. deadgod

      every storyteller vs. discharge

      winner:  I play really good in a game which is language.

  4. mimi

      you comment good

  5. Brooks Sterritt

      THIS IS BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  6. Brooks Sterritt


  7. Brooks Sterritt

      sorry, just got a little worked up over here

  8. mimi

      an prolly errbody’s got a poop story