January 23rd, 2012 / 4:40 am


Approximately 0:34:51 into American Pie Presents: Beta House (2007), Erik Stifler, sexually inexperienced and effeminized cousin of the notorious Steve Stifler, “prematurely” ejaculates on love interest Ashley’s childhood teddybear Mr. Biggles, whose odd spectacles vaguely  nod to “Cum on My Glasses,” a porn site in which glasses are fetishized as worn by nerds, students, and secretaries. Before it hits Biggles (along with a framed graduation photo, from peripheral splatter), it passes slow motion (~35-40% speed) through the air in front of Ashley, who looks both shocked and fairly irritated. Shooting across where a mustache could be drawn, one is reminded of Duchamp’s treatment of Mona Lisa. Ashley (no last name given) had inadvertently induced this scene by applying ointment to Erik’s inner thigh, which had been scalded with a prophetic-y clam chowder a waitress had spilt on him two scenes prior. The reason this post is not tagged NSFW, arguably at least, is because (a) semen “alone,” even in this eroticized context, is not pornography without a clear view of its target or emitter; and (b) the semen in mention is not actually semen, but a mixture of cream, cornstarch, corn syrup, and gelatin, a well known culinary recipe for cum. Mere representation is not liable to having meaning. We imagine a special effects assistant with a turkey baster, or perhaps more elaborate contraption designed for expelling said fluid. Both men and women will agree this “load” is on the profuse side, which may point to either the overall excessive nature of the American Pie series, or to imply that Erik did not “clean his pipes” the way Ted (Ben Stiller) was instructed to in There’s Something About Mary, leading to their more pop-historical cum scene involving Ted’s earlobe and then Mary’s hair. In horror film, and even action movies, blood is splattered and sprayed everywhere. We almost relish in it; and while we are more subdued and embarrassed by cum, it is piss and shit which remain truly subversive, never film friendly, as if we were ashamed of our waste the most. To induce blood or cum takes so much more conviction and indiscretion, yet it is the prosaic biologically inevitable urine and feces upon which we bestow our deepest morals and fears. It is not we who are not safe for work, but work which is not safe for life. To your boss or co-worker looking over your shoulder at this flying jizz, tell them simply to come on as in get over it not my face.


  1. postitbreakup

      sir jimmy chen i very drunkenly admire your gumption & commitment. when all else fails gumption & commitment says a fuck of a lot. a lot a lot. keep trekking son keep trekking

  2. Anonymous

      Beautifully put. 

  3. Anonymous

      Beautifully put. 

  4. Anonymous

      Beautifully put. 

  5. Guest

      Somebody in charge, please delete my comments. Please.

  6. Cremistress


  7. deadgod

      Mere representation is not liable to having meaning.

      What is “[m]ere representation”?  How can something ‘represent’ and yet not ‘mean’ what it represents?

      as if we were ashamed

      Does revulsion indicate shame? and therefore (covert, perhaps denied to oneself) participation?

  8. Molly Brodak

      “It is not we who are not safe for work, but work which is not safe for life.” !!!

  9. Erik Stinson

      humans ejaculate into the cosmos


  10. Brian M

      Killing it JC!

  11. Janey Smith

      a mixture of cream, cornstarch, corn syrup, and gelatin, a well known culinary recipe for cum–why didn’t we drink this Saturday night?

  12. Nich Eggert

      “Shit, now, is the color white folks are afraid of.  Shit is the presence of death, not of some abstract-arty character with a scythe but the stiff and rotting corpse itself inside the whiteman’s warm and private own asshole, which is getting pretty intimate.”   

  13. deadgod

      Shit, money, and the Word, the three American truths, powering the American mobility[.]

  14. Jakob Maier

      This is a message from above. I watched this movie on the day this article was posted, before knowing this article was posted.
      I am meant to spread my own mixture of cornstarch on the upper lips of c movie stars everywhere.