October 26th, 2010 / 9:29 am
Mean

3 Obituaries: Elimae, WWAATD, Online Lit

elimae (1996-2010) was eliminated from this world due to fatal complications resulting from a malfunction in its bullshit detector. Efforts to resuscitate the detector failed; insiders who wish to remain anonymous told us, “The detector was just too delicately calibrated to be saved. It was the only thing keeping the magazine from publishing truly random word salad bullshit.” Sources concur that the detector was the secret weapon that allowed editors Cooper Renner and Kim Chinquee to respond to submissions within a week, usually much sooner. “No human acting alone can sift such gems out of so much masturbatory bullshit that quickly,” said an industry insider. As-yet-unconfirmed rumors report that the cause of the malfunction was a $1.2M re-engineering project that would have enabled the detector to reject realism-oriented writers who were even just thinking about submitting to the esteemed journal. Details continue to come to light.

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We Who Are About to Die (March 2010-October 2010) just did. The group lit blog was fatally shot by the internet police while attempting to carry out a large-scale but covert fratricide and patricide on other group lit blogs, including but not limited to HTML Giant, The Rumpus, and Montevidayo. The internet cops involved in the operation seemed disoriented and unable to verbalize exactly what went down, but one made a valiant attempt: “It said it wanted all these things to go away or stop, but it, itself, was or did all those very same things, and it admitted that kind of, but still.” Another cop added, “You gotta just own it, you know? If you just own it, these things wouldn’t happen.” An autopsy revealed that had the gunfire not killed the blog, it would have indeed died soon enough. The coroner’s report elaborated, “The blog’s acronym was found to be malformed, or, in layman’s terms, really annoying. Plus, nobody could ever diagnose what those prank calls were about.” None of the intended targets of WWAWAATWD’s killing spree were injured in the slightest, even symbolically.

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Online lit journals in general (1996-2010) met a tragic end in an apparent case of criminal neglect on the part of everyone who wasn’t in the current issue of one of them or planning to submit very soon. The exact time of death is unknown; at first, many writers just figured the new issues were just a little late going live, and nobody else noticed for as much as a month. The death was a shock to many who had long predicted the demise of print publications. “It seems like just yesterday that I was looking at online proofs for four different journals that I was supposed to be in. And now all my last-minute revisions will never find their audience.” said one mourner. More philosophically, a source who claims to be a “veteran” of what he calls “the scene,” noted, “I guess nobody reads online journals, either. People would “like” it on facebook if you linked to a journal you’re in, but maybe they weren’t clicking on the links. I probably have enough online cred already anyway. But I will miss being solicited.” 12 of the source’s friends “liked” this comment.

Some argue for classifying the death an accidental mass suicide. Some editors simply forgot to put up new issues; others report intending to get to it after actually working on their writing for a change. “Everyone got so carried away with encouraging people to buy from small presses that nobody remembered to look at all the free shit online,” charged an anonymous source. The survivors of the deceased request money in lieu of flowers.

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41 Comments

  1. We are Mars

      Amy, you are a typical dumb cunt.

  2. Elimae, R.I.P. | clusterflock

      […] Hate to break it to you Coop, but according to HTML Giant, Elimae is dead. […]

  3. stephen

      damn

  4. Adam Robinson

      Good job, Amy.

  5. Banalbany

      “You just gotta own it, ya know?” That’s my favorite. Like the cops were judges on Top Model or something.

  6. > kill author | Blog | Apologies and randoms

      […] to look at all the free shit online,’ charged an anonymous source” — this quote from HTMLGIANT’s literary obituaries definitely crosses the line from just being humor to being close to the truth. So it’s a also a […]

  7. deadgod

      a bullshit-detector malfunction is the broken shoulder of self-congratulation

  8. jesusangelgarcia

      “Everyone got so carried away with encouraging people to buy from small presses that nobody remembered to look at all the free shit online.” As if…

  9. Ani Smith

      meh. i was hoping jimmy would do us.

  10. Jimmy Chen

      i really liked amy’s. more obits from me and others on the way…

  11. Tim Jones-Yelvington

      The elimae obit is especially hilarious.

  12. P. H. Madore

      While I feel the attack on elimae might be more a friendly nudge in the right direction (though perhaps unwarranted), the rest of this spoke to my heart. If anyone’s wondering, dispatch has killed itself again, as well, but is going to resurrect itself again, too, as I wrote in the letter. So do keep sending stuff, just stop inquiring, damn you.

  13. Ani Smith

      i did too, just trying to get into the spirit here. you big litface! (not doing so well, i guess)

  14. Epolws

      Pank, as with all online journals, are sadly dead.

  15. eoplsh

      Pank, as with all online journals, is sadly dead too.

  16. Derechio Bianco

      Didn’t you get the memo that mock obituaries are dead? “On September 30, 2010, a journalistic genre passed away: the mock obituary marking the purported demise of a linguistic phenomenon. According to the coroner’s report, the cause of death was rampant overuse.”: http://languagelog.ldc.upenn.edu/nll/?p=2676.

  17. Derechio Bianco

      Didn’t you get the memo that mock obituaries are dead? “On September 30, 2010, a journalistic genre passed away: the mock obituary marking the purported demise of a linguistic phenomenon. According to the coroner’s report, the cause of death was rampant overuse.”: http://languagelog.ldc.upenn.edu/nll/?p=2676.

  18. Blake Butler

      thank you for using the “missed memo” cliche in the calling forward of the “false obit” cliche, nice meta-criticism and bonus point!

  19. mimi

      BB for the save

  20. P. H. Madore

      As long as you’re giving hand jobs, I’m right here.

  21. Derechio Bianco

      i never got the memo about the missed memo cliche. i must be totally out of it, which explains why this thing posted my thingie twice.

      Fortunately Sleepingfish already sleeps with the fishes which renders any subsequent obit of it meaningless.

  22. Rebekah

      Stone cold.

  23. Tim Horvath

      Hate that moment when you’re standing in the bookstore between the Best American Mock Obits and Best American Missed Memos 2010 with only $15 to lay down. We’ve all been there.

  24. Roxane

      We hadn’t heard but now we know and as our friends at GI Joe have taught us, knowing is half the battle.

  25. mimi

      In your dreams

  26. P. H. Madore

      Actually laughing.

  27. P. H. Madore

      Yeah, you’re more into oral, but your skin is so soft I just always wanted to know.

  28. JustinTaylor

      It’s times like this that I remember why you’re basically my favorite person.

  29. jereme_dean

      are you talking about the fake obit or a gang bang?

      i can’t tell.

  30. stephen

      did your mother beat you or something? what’s wrong with you bro? feel like i would gladly get into my first fist fight with you. and i mean i’d break your face and your typing hands. seriously want to beat the shit out of you. you think you’re so tough. your energy is so toxic and you’re such a misogynistic, delusional little fuck. and you’re ugly too motherfucker. and your video was the whiniest prissiest bullshit i’ve ever seen. choke on your own cock motherfucker

  31. jereme_dean

      hahaha

  32. mimi

      Flattery will get you nowhere

  33. deadgod

      gang of jimmy

  34. deadgod

      – and you splashed the fifteen squids on Best American Hand-job Panhandles.

  35. P. H. Madore

      Hey bro where do you live? I tend to travel. We can do this when I’m near you. I’ll take care of you. No problem.

      Also. Toxic energy does more than no energy, you fucking soul-leach.

  36. Trey

      “grrr, argh, yeah, I’ll punch you, and then I’ll be better than you. yarrr.”

  37. Ani Smith

      we’re saving the gang bang for later in the week. what’s wrong with you bro?

  38. P. H. Madore

      Nah, it ain’t like that. If the boy wants his shot, he’ll have it as soon as the stars align. I won’t with-hold it, and if he wins (lol), I won’t lie about it later on.

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      […] Deceased: Elimae, WWATD, online lit mags in […]

  40. Robert Laughlin

      When I want your opinion of other litmags, Ms. McDaniel, I’ll give it to you.

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