December 21st, 2009 / 8:38 pm
Mean

Get Down Moses

I. If you enjoy it when people come over and casually browse the spines of your bookshelf, you are a nerd.

II. When your literary journal is a wordpress/blogger subdomain using one of their templates, I imagine someone who felt they wanted to be an editor for 20 minutes, during which time they started said journal.

III. When your literary journal has per inch/pixel ‘wrap text’ margins (vs. defined paragraph width), despite how wide the browser is, such that a full paragraph reads as one single line the length of a child’s arm, I feel bad and don’t read the stories.

IV. When your blog’s color/font specs are antagonistically provocative (blaring colors, extremely small or large fonts) only crazy or bored people who think you’re charming will read your blog.

V. When your friend with the ’20 minute set-up’ blog template journal nominates you for a pushcart, it just means he/she put an envelope with some paper in it in the mail, sorta like sentimental recycling. You weren’t ‘realistically’ nominated.

VI. When you diss on someone more successful than you, you’re just being human. When diss on someone less successful than you, you’re just being a dick.

VII. When you dismiss people for either having or not having an MFA, for being or not being a particular gender or race, or for just liking a book, band, movie that you don’t like, you are being provincial.

VIII. When your third-person bio is longer than the flash fiction piece it’s accompanying, that’s fucking lame.

IX. If you are lucky enough to get ‘fan e-mail’ and you don’t respond (even if it’s just “thanks, I appreciate it”) because you are ‘busy,’ or in some sick way you think not responding to fans further legitimizes your fame, you are an asshole.

X. If you think I’m a dick, you should have a drink with my dad.

Tags:

46 Comments

  1. Blake Butler

      for these, you suffered on the mountain. boommm

  2. Blake Butler

      for these, you suffered on the mountain. boommm

  3. Sean

      oh man. a classic sin.

  4. Sean

      oh man. a classic sin.

  5. Amy McDaniel

      ooh such a good use of “provincial.”

  6. Amy McDaniel

      ooh such a good use of “provincial.”

  7. jereme

      8 got me to chuckle.

  8. jereme

      8 got me to chuckle.

  9. Ken Baumann

      hallelujiah

  10. Ken Baumann

      hallelujiah

  11. mimi

      I think I have a fifty-fifty chance of going to hell.

  12. mimi

      I think I have a fifty-fifty chance of going to hell.

  13. fad

      X haha. you’re my favorite on this site.

  14. fad

      X haha. you’re my favorite on this site.

  15. Rebekah Silverman

      Now I feel like a bad person, and also dirty.

  16. Rebekah Silverman

      Now I feel like a bad person, and also dirty.

  17. Roxane Gay

      Commandments 2, 8, and 9 are particularly excellent.

      Bio, 50 words or less. Stick to it, writers!

  18. Roxane Gay

      Commandments 2, 8, and 9 are particularly excellent.

      Bio, 50 words or less. Stick to it, writers!

  19. stephen

      this is a pretty nerdy list

  20. stephen

      this is a pretty nerdy list

  21. frank donald goodish

      yep, 10 really got me to laugh

  22. frank donald goodish

      yep, 10 really got me to laugh

  23. frank donald goodish

      i like the bios that list in alphabetical order every journal they’ve ever been in and then still say “and other places.” if you’re going to bring the chin music, don’t try to curve the ball at the last second, wave to the hitter, and mouth my bad.

  24. frank donald goodish

      i like the bios that list in alphabetical order every journal they’ve ever been in and then still say “and other places.” if you’re going to bring the chin music, don’t try to curve the ball at the last second, wave to the hitter, and mouth my bad.

  25. Jon Cone

      I have behaved according to all these ‘commandments’ with the exception of letter X (X stands for the number ten in the Roman alphabeet. I know! Go figure.)

      Oh.

      I am a ‘published author.’

      And I was nominated for a ‘PUSHCART PRIZE’ by another ‘published author’ who appeared in a
      magazine I used to edit.

      I also published a poem of mine in my own magazine.

      (That was how I came to be an ‘official’ ‘published’ ‘author.’

  26. brandi

      Someone sent me “fan mail” once but then they began to talk about how they too had sexual desire for their brother. I didn’t know where it was coming from, though the story they were referencing did briefly mention my brother. I thought for a long time, but didn’t respond to their email.

  27. brandi

      Someone sent me “fan mail” once but then they began to talk about how they too had sexual desire for their brother. I didn’t know where it was coming from, though the story they were referencing did briefly mention my brother. I thought for a long time, but didn’t respond to their email.

  28. ce.

      if Jimmy doesn’t respond to this, is he being human or a dick?

  29. ce.

      if Jimmy doesn’t respond to this, is he being human or a dick?

  30. frank donald goodish

      yeesh

      were i in your shoes, i probably wouldn’t have responded either (and i too would have given the note/possible response considerable thought)

  31. frank donald goodish

      yeesh

      were i in your shoes, i probably wouldn’t have responded either (and i too would have given the note/possible response considerable thought)

  32. frank donald goodish

      i laughed at this

  33. frank donald goodish

      i laughed at this

  34. Jimmy Chen

      thanks fad! i am responding to you.

  35. Jimmy Chen

      thanks fad! i am responding to you.

  36. Josh

      I think #2 is particularly stupid.

      (And not b/c I have a blog with a blogspot domain.)

      Just feels rather pompous.

  37. Josh

      I think #2 is particularly stupid.

      (And not b/c I have a blog with a blogspot domain.)

      Just feels rather pompous.

  38. james yeh

      jerk!

  39. james yeh

      jerk!

  40. jereme

      is your brother hot?

  41. jereme

      is your brother hot?

  42. Stu

      I think number VI had to be said.

  43. Stu

      I think number VI had to be said.

  44. Almanacco del Giorno – 22 Dec. 2009 « Almanacco Americano

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  45. Nathan Tyree

      Number 9

  46. Nathan Tyree

      Number 9