October 28th, 2009 / 1:49 am
Mean

Mean Week: On Beer

I don’t like beer.

It doesn’t taste good and makes you fat. All my friends like beer. Whenever they are like, “Let’s drink some beer!” I feel alienated and annoyed. What I like to drink is whiskey. Whiskey and water. Whiskey and ice. Whiskey and apple cider. Whiskey and Coke. Whiskey and a cut on my lip so I can introduce Mister Evan Williams to a little of my own 900 proof Man Blood, bitches. But beer! Ugh. Beer tastes like I’m licking some Russian boxer’s bonehole sweat after he’s been napping in a yak’s womb for a month. Again, all my friends like beer, and this is why I secretly hate them.

Some of my friends like Keystone Light and that’s whatever. Hardly counts. Keystone is to beer as a wink is to sex. But then some of my friends are all fancy Sierra Nevada Cumswing Winter Ale hoppy yeasty whatever, and I’m like, yeast. That’s great. In pie. Not in a fucking liquid. Seriously, it’s like Oh hey guys, I’ve got an idea. Let’s get drunk off a bread loaf. Yeah, fuck that. Oh, blah blah blah, let’s watch the Home Run Derby and have a beer. Let’s eat some taco salad and go for beers. Do you have any extra tickets to the curling match because I’ve got a duffel bag full of cold ones! Seriously, y’all, when you drink beer your face looks like it’s hard at work thinking of a new name for fish poo. Not gonna happen, folks. Poo be poo.

Besides, there’s so much other stuff to drink. I saw a dude drink blood out of a lamb skull one time. I saw a dude open up a smoke alarm and take out the batteries and drink the battery acid so we wouldn’t get caught. And you’re doing what, sitting around drinking beer? What, did you float above your mother like a motherfucking crackwhore angel during the miraculous rhythm of your conception and piss your cracked ass angel piss all over her O face? Because that’s basically what you’re doing when you drink beer. If I ever see another PBR can in my life I’m gonna scope out the nearest kneecap, slice it off with a chainsaw, and use that kneecap to beat the living fuck out of every PBR drinker in the room. If you ever drink beer in my presence, I’m going to go back in time and pour lye all over your fucking teddy bear. Then I’m going to take that teddy bear and put it in the blender. And then you’re gonna gulp down a fucking teddy bear smoothie while I rest my cowboy boot on your neck and sing Saginaw, Michigan. Guess what, beer drinkers? I’m going to wait until you’re taking the best shower of your life and then jump into the shower and beat out your teeth with the blunt end of a staple-gun.

The next beer can I see I’m going to inject with rabbit DNA, turn it into a bunny-beer hybrid, and let it hop around. I’m gonna let it hop down to the ravine. Go swimming. Oh look at the cute fucking bunny beer! Twitching around! I’m gonna let Mr. I’m Everybody’s Friend I’m A Bunny And A Beer What More Can You Want hop into a nice movie, eat some milk duds, let everybody think it’s cute and tasty. Then I’m gonna hijack a space ship. Enter orbit, and align the satellites of world into one big laser blast and blast that fucking bunny-beer into so many mercy-skanking bits that its eternal soul is going to forget how hope works. Fuck beer. I hate beer. You know what I love? I like raincoats, a little. If they’re nice.

132 Comments

  1. stu

      Hahahaha! Violence is always cool by me.

  2. stu

      Hahahaha! Violence is always cool by me.

  3. Erik Stinson

      that last picture fucks me.

  4. Erik Stinson

      that last picture fucks me.

  5. Ross Brighton

      Well, I can’t say I aree with that, but I do agree with cardboard vikings.

  6. Ross Brighton

      Well, I can’t say I aree with that, but I do agree with cardboard vikings.

  7. Michael Schaub

      Lefty Frizzell and you are my idols now for “Saginaw, Michigan,” him for writing it, you for mentioning it. I think it remains the only song to rhyme “Michigan” with “rich, and then.” Is this not mean enough for “Mean Week”? Someone tell me this isn’t mean enough for “Mean Week” and then tell me where you live so I can punch your throat. If you’re not in Oregon you’ll have to buy me a plane ticket.

  8. Michael Schaub

      Lefty Frizzell and you are my idols now for “Saginaw, Michigan,” him for writing it, you for mentioning it. I think it remains the only song to rhyme “Michigan” with “rich, and then.” Is this not mean enough for “Mean Week”? Someone tell me this isn’t mean enough for “Mean Week” and then tell me where you live so I can punch your throat. If you’re not in Oregon you’ll have to buy me a plane ticket.

  9. Garett Strickland

      What about microbrew? asks the man from Oregon.

  10. Garett Strickland

      What about microbrew? asks the man from Oregon.

  11. daniel bailey
  12. daniel bailey
  13. Gene Morgan

      Looks ‘shopped. We need beer in mouth.

  14. Gene Morgan

      Looks ‘shopped. We need beer in mouth.

  15. Josh
  16. Josh
  17. ce.

      fuck’s sake.

      1) yeast, in fact, doesn’t go in a pie.
      2) yeast, in fact, is used to ferment whiskey mash.

      (mean week. but seriously..)

  18. ce.

      fuck’s sake.

      1) yeast, in fact, doesn’t go in a pie.
      2) yeast, in fact, is used to ferment whiskey mash.

      (mean week. but seriously..)

  19. Tim Jones-Yelvington

      No! Teddy…

  20. Tim Jones-Yelvington

      No! Teddy…

  21. ce.

      but, thank you for the halloween costume idea. maybe i can find some norwegian beer cases and go as Thor.

  22. ce.

      but, thank you for the halloween costume idea. maybe i can find some norwegian beer cases and go as Thor.

  23. davidpeak

      html giant contributors really, really hate pbr.

      in some bars in chicago it’s not even an option. you go in and order a beer and you get served a pbr.

      you know what i hate? alcohol snobs.

  24. davidpeak

      html giant contributors really, really hate pbr.

      in some bars in chicago it’s not even an option. you go in and order a beer and you get served a pbr.

      you know what i hate? alcohol snobs.

  25. adam j maynard

      Ist that Conan the Beerbarian?

      Come on, beer is delicious

  26. adam j maynard

      Ist that Conan the Beerbarian?

      Come on, beer is delicious

  27. Sean

      What? I don’t understand what you mean. What does Don’t Like Beer even mean? It’s like I am talking to a jar of socks.

  28. Tadd Adcox

      but what about pumpkin beer? pumpkin beer is awesome.

  29. Sean

      What? I don’t understand what you mean. What does Don’t Like Beer even mean? It’s like I am talking to a jar of socks.

  30. Tadd Adcox

      but what about pumpkin beer? pumpkin beer is awesome.

  31. Nate

      “What, did you float above your mother like a motherfucking crackwhore angel during the miraculous rhythm of your conception and piss your cracked ass angel piss all over her O face? Because that’s basically what you’re doing when you drink beer.”

      haha.

  32. davidpeak

      i thought people only drank whiskey and water in blake edwards movies

  33. Nate

      “What, did you float above your mother like a motherfucking crackwhore angel during the miraculous rhythm of your conception and piss your cracked ass angel piss all over her O face? Because that’s basically what you’re doing when you drink beer.”

      haha.

  34. davidpeak

      i thought people only drank whiskey and water in blake edwards movies

  35. Gene Morgan

      I don’t know what PBR tastes like.

      We have Lone Star in Texas. I drink it.

  36. Tony O'Neill

      i like beer. i like most alcohol. i hate a lot of american beers. i dont like PBR, not because its a class thing, but because like all american beers it tastes like back splash from a public toilet, and even worse it barely gets you drunk. the only american beers i like are colt 45, olde english etc because although they taste like piss, at least they get the job done.

  37. Gene Morgan

      I don’t know what PBR tastes like.

      We have Lone Star in Texas. I drink it.

  38. Tony O'Neill

      i like beer. i like most alcohol. i hate a lot of american beers. i dont like PBR, not because its a class thing, but because like all american beers it tastes like back splash from a public toilet, and even worse it barely gets you drunk. the only american beers i like are colt 45, olde english etc because although they taste like piss, at least they get the job done.

  39. Tony O'Neill
  40. Tony O'Neill
  41. Adam R

      jar of socks

  42. Adam R

      jar of socks

  43. Lincoln

      I like beer, but I will always like bourbon best. Bourbon and ginger especially.

  44. Lincoln

      I like beer, but I will always like bourbon best. Bourbon and ginger especially.

  45. Amy McDaniel

      This is funny. I like beer, but right before mean week Justin T and I were talking about what we were tired of taking seriously (that we could hate on this week) and one of my first thoughts was beer. I’m tired of pretending that beer is a serious enterprise, that microbrewing is some kind art form–or even that beer can have the nuances of wine.

  46. Amy McDaniel

      This is funny. I like beer, but right before mean week Justin T and I were talking about what we were tired of taking seriously (that we could hate on this week) and one of my first thoughts was beer. I’m tired of pretending that beer is a serious enterprise, that microbrewing is some kind art form–or even that beer can have the nuances of wine.

  47. Justin Taylor

      That’s the stuff, all right.

  48. Justin Taylor

      That’s the stuff, all right.

  49. davidpeak

      i’ve been to austin a few times and really liked it. the sky felt bigger somehow. everyone was drinking shiner bock. it was good.

  50. davidpeak

      i’ve been to austin a few times and really liked it. the sky felt bigger somehow. everyone was drinking shiner bock. it was good.

  51. Mike Young

      admittedly, i’m not working with one might call “traditional science”

  52. Mike Young

      admittedly, i’m not working with one might call “traditional science”

  53. Matt Cozart

      Nuances of wine: “Hmm, does this taste more like NyQuil or Pepto-Bismol…?”

  54. Matt Cozart

      Nuances of wine: “Hmm, does this taste more like NyQuil or Pepto-Bismol…?”

  55. Matt

      Sounds suspiciously like the argument of a 22 year old, Mike.

      Trust me, pretty soon you’ll find yourself enjoying all sorts of of different tastes that your used to get all grossed out about.

  56. Mike Young

      i find it really disturbing that i’m on two separate coasts in these pictures and in two separate seasons and yet i’m wearing the exact same shirt

      these are not the habits of a trustworthy dude

  57. Matt

      Sounds suspiciously like the argument of a 22 year old, Mike.

      Trust me, pretty soon you’ll find yourself enjoying all sorts of of different tastes that your used to get all grossed out about.

  58. Mike Young

      i find it really disturbing that i’m on two separate coasts in these pictures and in two separate seasons and yet i’m wearing the exact same shirt

      these are not the habits of a trustworthy dude

  59. Lincoln

      I dunno if beer has the nuances of wine, but it has a pretty damn wide range of flavors and power. I’m definitely not thinking nuance when I sip a 60 minute IPA, but there is something of an art there.

  60. Lincoln

      I dunno if beer has the nuances of wine, but it has a pretty damn wide range of flavors and power. I’m definitely not thinking nuance when I sip a 60 minute IPA, but there is something of an art there.

  61. Mike Young
  62. Mike Young
  63. Schulyer Prinz

      jar of socks.

  64. Schulyer Prinz

      jar of socks.

  65. Matthias Rascher

      I don’t like beer either, and I was born and grew up in the self-appointed “beer capital of the world”. Now that I come to think of it, this might actually be the reason for it.

  66. Matthias Rascher

      I don’t like beer either, and I was born and grew up in the self-appointed “beer capital of the world”. Now that I come to think of it, this might actually be the reason for it.

  67. Matt Cozart

      The same reason I don’t like meth.

  68. Matt Cozart

      The same reason I don’t like meth.

  69. Mike Young

      just a poor saginaw fisherman

  70. Mike Young

      just a poor saginaw fisherman

  71. Tim Jones-Yelvington

      I want to have sex with the “Natural Ice” viking.

  72. Tim Jones-Yelvington

      I want to have sex with the “Natural Ice” viking.

  73. ce.

      that image has seriously been lingering in my head all day since i read it.

  74. ce.

      that image has seriously been lingering in my head all day since i read it.

  75. ce.

      valid. admittedly, i probably know too much about yeast.

  76. ce.

      valid. admittedly, i probably know too much about yeast.

  77. mimi

      I don’t know what is nastier, Mike Young, that viking or your language.
      I pretty much stick to vodka. Margaritas for “fun”. I do like a nice cold one with spicy Indian food on occasion.

  78. mimi

      I don’t know what is nastier, Mike Young, that viking or your language.
      I pretty much stick to vodka. Margaritas for “fun”. I do like a nice cold one with spicy Indian food on occasion.

  79. jereme

      it was mad dog 20/20 was my fave. mmm whatever that green one is. kiwi mango i think. yum.

  80. jereme

      it was mad dog 20/20 was my fave. mmm whatever that green one is. kiwi mango i think. yum.

  81. jereme

      amy,

      i can introduce you to some belgian beers that possess these said nuances.

  82. jereme

      amy,

      i can introduce you to some belgian beers that possess these said nuances.

  83. jereme

      i remember mike being a fan of flavored wines.

      you should have added something in there about being from oregon.

  84. jereme

      i remember mike being a fan of flavored wines.

      you should have added something in there about being from oregon.

  85. mike young

      wasn’t it too late to buy real liquor or something? or we didn’t have enough money? i don’t remember exactly what the deal was

      people worship at the altar of indie beer in oregon, you’re right

  86. mike young

      wasn’t it too late to buy real liquor or something? or we didn’t have enough money? i don’t remember exactly what the deal was

      people worship at the altar of indie beer in oregon, you’re right

  87. mike young

      i am fascinated by the phenomenon of everyone thinking their town is the meth capital

      if you talk to anyone from a really shitty western/southern/midwestern town, they will often claim their town is the meth capital

      i thought it was my town!

      it’s weird

      why is this something we all want?

      very weird

  88. mike young

      i am fascinated by the phenomenon of everyone thinking their town is the meth capital

      if you talk to anyone from a really shitty western/southern/midwestern town, they will often claim their town is the meth capital

      i thought it was my town!

      it’s weird

      why is this something we all want?

      very weird

  89. Tony O'Neill

      md2020 will fuck you up. yeah pretty sure te green one is kiwi. the grape is pretty good too. you will end up ranting on the streets with no pants if you overdo it on that shit, though.

  90. Tony O'Neill

      md2020 will fuck you up. yeah pretty sure te green one is kiwi. the grape is pretty good too. you will end up ranting on the streets with no pants if you overdo it on that shit, though.

  91. Matt Cozart

      Perhaps it’s something we all believe. Or, to be safe, I could just say I was talking about the Midwest. That way I’m covered. (It is worst in the Midwest, right?)

  92. Matt Cozart

      Perhaps it’s something we all believe. Or, to be safe, I could just say I was talking about the Midwest. That way I’m covered. (It is worst in the Midwest, right?)

  93. Tadd Adcox

      Definitely a Midwest thing. Back on the coast we tended to stick to drugs that would slowly kill you in a classy way.

  94. Tadd Adcox

      Definitely a Midwest thing. Back on the coast we tended to stick to drugs that would slowly kill you in a classy way.

  95. mike young

      it is bad in rural/poor areas in the west, south, and midwest

      i grew up in rural northern california (not the coast) and it was really bad there

      doesn’t seem to be in the northeast much

      maybe in maine?

  96. mike young

      it is bad in rural/poor areas in the west, south, and midwest

      i grew up in rural northern california (not the coast) and it was really bad there

      doesn’t seem to be in the northeast much

      maybe in maine?

  97. K. Silem Mohammad

      Yeah, fuck beer.

      And you know what else? Fuck chicken wings, “hot” or otherwise. Fucking atrophied little feather-holding appendages stripped down to naked leathery grease modules.

      Oh, and fuck sports. Fuck athletes and their “abilities,” and fuck the fucking morons who like to watch them throwing and catching and blocking shit. What the fuck?

      Fuck dogs. Cats rule.

  98. K. Silem Mohammad

      Yeah, fuck beer.

      And you know what else? Fuck chicken wings, “hot” or otherwise. Fucking atrophied little feather-holding appendages stripped down to naked leathery grease modules.

      Oh, and fuck sports. Fuck athletes and their “abilities,” and fuck the fucking morons who like to watch them throwing and catching and blocking shit. What the fuck?

      Fuck dogs. Cats rule.

  99. Ben White

      Shiner is where it’s at. Lone star is…the Miller High Life (the “champagne of beers”) of Texas. Which means we buy it in big boxes and drink it all the time.

  100. Ben White

      Shiner is where it’s at. Lone star is…the Miller High Life (the “champagne of beers”) of Texas. Which means we buy it in big boxes and drink it all the time.

  101. Ryan Call

      shiner/lone star. i dirnk it. sometimes i get highlife tallboys. i have a friend who likes a little bit nicer beer, i guess, so when im with him i drink better.

  102. Nathan Tyree

      I drink Bourbon and water (maker’s mark normally) and Scotch and water (single malt, normally island).

  103. Ryan Call

      shiner/lone star. i dirnk it. sometimes i get highlife tallboys. i have a friend who likes a little bit nicer beer, i guess, so when im with him i drink better.

  104. Nathan Tyree

      I drink Bourbon and water (maker’s mark normally) and Scotch and water (single malt, normally island).

  105. Matt Cozart

      This sounds more like Sharon Mesmer!

  106. Matt Cozart

      This sounds more like Sharon Mesmer!

  107. Clapper

      You and me are compatible drinkers. Dewar’s for me, usually.

  108. Clapper

      You and me are compatible drinkers. Dewar’s for me, usually.

  109. Ryan Call

      seems like from his twitter feed, tyree begins to drink those things the minute he wakes up.

  110. Nathan Tyree

      I try. Not every day allows for it, though

  111. Ryan Call

      seems like from his twitter feed, tyree begins to drink those things the minute he wakes up.

  112. Nathan Tyree

      I try. Not every day allows for it, though

  113. Ken Baumann

      Beer bad.

  114. Ken Baumann

      Beer bad.

  115. zachary german

      what the fuck is wrong with mike young

  116. zachary german

      what the fuck is wrong with mike young

  117. Angi

      I hated beer until I was maybe 24 or 25. Now I love beer. And not just in a learned-to-tolerate-it sort of way. I really like it. I’ve had a few pints already today.
      That cat with the miller chill looks a lot like my cat, only my cat is way fatter and I would never let him bring miller chill into the house.

  118. Angi

      I hated beer until I was maybe 24 or 25. Now I love beer. And not just in a learned-to-tolerate-it sort of way. I really like it. I’ve had a few pints already today.
      That cat with the miller chill looks a lot like my cat, only my cat is way fatter and I would never let him bring miller chill into the house.

  119. ce.

      Maker’s yes, though Woodford for special occasions, and Beam when I’m not affording the Maker’s. take mine neat though, or sour. my dad raised me on Beam and Pepsi.

      haven’t gotten in to scotch yet, really. suggestions?

  120. ce.

      Maker’s yes, though Woodford for special occasions, and Beam when I’m not affording the Maker’s. take mine neat though, or sour. my dad raised me on Beam and Pepsi.

      haven’t gotten in to scotch yet, really. suggestions?

  121. ce.

      yeah, man. Belgians are where it’s at.

  122. ce.

      yeah, man. Belgians are where it’s at.

  123. aaron

      bourbon. yes.
      bourbon and ginger? mmmmmm…
      also good: bourbon neat. bourbon with ice. bourbon with water. bourbon and coke (see also: coke zero, cherry coke zero, etc.). bourbon and mountain dew (that’s right. i said it. see also: diet mountain dew, generic mountain dew, etc.). bourbon straight from the bottle. bourbon in a flask at a movie theater, possibly with theater cola as chaser. bourbon from flask at bar when too poor to pay for bar drinks. bourbon from flask while riding bike on way to party. ad infinitum.

  124. aaron

      bourbon. yes.
      bourbon and ginger? mmmmmm…
      also good: bourbon neat. bourbon with ice. bourbon with water. bourbon and coke (see also: coke zero, cherry coke zero, etc.). bourbon and mountain dew (that’s right. i said it. see also: diet mountain dew, generic mountain dew, etc.). bourbon straight from the bottle. bourbon in a flask at a movie theater, possibly with theater cola as chaser. bourbon from flask at bar when too poor to pay for bar drinks. bourbon from flask while riding bike on way to party. ad infinitum.

  125. Lincoln

      you forgot bourbon and lemonade

  126. Lincoln

      you forgot bourbon and lemonade

  127. aaron

      indeed. my bad.

  128. aaron

      indeed. my bad.

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  130. Nathan (Nate) Tyree

      Laphroaig is my favorite. The Macallan comes in second (the sixteen year old variety). Oban is also quite good. I avoid most blends

  131. Nathan (Nate) Tyree

      Laphroaig is my favorite. The Macallan comes in second (the sixteen year old variety). Oban is also quite good. I avoid most blends

  132. Jeremy Bauer

      rabbit + beer