October 27th, 2010 / 4:34 pm

One Obituary: Duotrope’s Digest

Duotrope’s Digest (August 4, 2005-October 14, 2010) Duotrope died today, of its own name, some vague ailment of droopy eyelids and an ass so smart its brain filled its hole and then all the universe exploded into the nearest ceiling fan. Today dead, Duotrope of serial liposuction, as in the last time (Jesus, chill-the-fuck-out, you Heidi Blair Montag of a site. Hey guys, leave Newpages! We got bigger tits!) they crunk-a-ma-jigged the layout and then hit me and my kin up for money. (As I write this, Duotrope is status HIGH, as in YELLOW, 36% short of their monthly pecuniary quest. Year-to-Date they are 20% short, labeled HIGHE$$T, or Holy Fuck!, a RED alert 4 alarm {low} fire of tattooed lipstick. [Like our government, Duotrope has a color code system that all but douche bags ignore]). Duotrope dead of popped pronephros, dribble, dribble…Duotrope deceased, choked on the very versicolor vomit of statistics they choose to shove down our hoary throats (They eat it too, see? That’s how they know it tastes good.) Do you understand Willow Springs accepts 0% of submissions (well, fuck me and my latest Spam-villanelle), yet they reject 88%? (If you don’t believe me, go to Duotrope.). Dark times, folks. Death by jostled lynx this morning, Duotrope. Dead by sub-sprachgefühl, I mean divaricator/dust, of course. Or simple spoon? Note: Duotrope killed today by wound of flung nacho. Duotrope eaten by my father. Like every empire (or umpire) known to history, Duotrope has fallen. Croaked. Expired. Sad to report, that spreadsheet we once called Duotrope, dead as disco this morning, done, d-uh, died–of exposure.



  1. John Minichillo

      It’s mean enough around here most of the time anyway.

  2. P. H. Madore

      This makes me want to rob Sean Lovelace and PayPal the funds to Duotrope.

      I know I owe you ten bucks for that story, Sean, do you mind if I just give it to Duotrope?

  3. Sean

      Uh, no. You can donate it to cancer research, the heirs of Ignacio Anaya, or the NRA.

  4. P. H. Madore

      What about Doctors Without Borders?

  5. Sean

      I only donate to nurses.

  6. John Minichillo

      They should ban Broken Pate.

  7. Sean

      What is Broken Pate? A liver magazine?

  8. John Minichillo

      Wrong body part, nurse.

  9. Sean

      What is Pate made of, foodie?

  10. John Minichillo

      Instead of making words up maybe you should use a dictionary.

  11. Sean

      pate: liver or meat or fowl finely minced or ground and variously seasoned

      It’s mean week and you’re bitching about accent marks?

      What gives?

      If they ban TBP it will be very popular. All banned books are popular.

  12. Sean

      Here: Pâté

      Now you owe me a beer.

  13. John Minichillo

      Lazy fuck. Pate: head, crown, brains. Which makes more sense? I’m trying to be mean. Choke on your beer.

  14. Sean

      Productive fuck: We should call a truce and buy each other a beer. It would make more sense. If we want to be truly mean, we could buy each other shitty beers!

      At this point, it’s like we’re in a chat room of our own making, a goat eating its tail sheddings…(Am I reaching now, metaphorically, probably, but I am about to drink/read/descend into the arms of Morpheus).

      Am I allowed to say peace during mean week.

      I am

      because fuck you mean week.

      And bullying isn’t cool now. Big anti-bullying movement in America now.

      Don’t bully me, Mean Week!!!

      Anyway, out. And I love words.

  15. John Minichillo

      It’s mean enough around here most of the time anyway.

  16. Karl

      i’ve been staying out of mean week because I’m not sure I understand what is going on, which is fine. but in general, is there consensus that duotrope is anything but useful? Is it somehow doing some harm by quantifying what for purely artistic reasons should never be quantified, sullying art, or at least art venues, with statistics? or even commerce?

  17. Tim Horvath

      I don’t think Sean can be considered lazy when he figured out the character codes for â and é. Shit takes effort.

  18. Richard Thomas

      boooooooooooooooo…i love Duotrope

  19. Trey

      well, what it’s used for is fine and useful, but what I saw as the thrust of this obit was the ridiculousness of its use of color-coded threat levels for its never-ending donation drive. I understand that a website costs money, and that duotrope probably isn’t cheap, but dang.

  20. Sean

      To take anything me say seriously during mean week would be more than mean, folks.

  21. mimi

      Hey, even I know the difference between Pate and Pâté
      Good Call, Minichichi, you big meanie

  22. mimi

      And now I know where to go to Cut and Paste â and é

  23. P. H. Madore

      I bet there’s at least one jackass who will claim he or she misses the days of paying $30 a year for a “writer’s market” which listed mostly unattainable magazines for the majority of the people who bought it. Yeah, that was way better than duotrope.

      Long live duotrope and any other project that just serves its purpose and minds its business.

      If they do get put out of business, though, it’d probably end up with them opening the source code, which could also be good for everyone.

      So, y’know.

  24. P. H. Madore

      Consider that Twitter has sucked billions of dollars in capital, and is only actually marginally more complex than the software behind duotrope, at least as far as I understand it, and you might think they’re doing amazing on what they have. It’s not like they cut your account off if you don’t donate, so I can’t figure what everyone’s bitching about.

      In fact, raise your hand if you have donated.

      Probably in all I’ve given them like $60 in small bills at a time. Usually I don’t think of it until I use the thing, you know, and I’m like, oh, hey duotrope, I couldn’t have done that without you! So here’s a couple bones, see you next time, thanks for your dedication.

      But whatevs, ya’ll.

  25. P. H. Madore

      This is uncreative of you, Lovelace.

      I think what has happened around here is that the standard for mean has been raised too high for most of the meanies. Someone better call in the cav. Who is the cav, though? Who’s meaner than Jereme Dean? We need some real negativity up in this bitch.

      I know!

      Let Mather back. He’s really a riot, I don’t see why you guys hate him so much, and I’m being serious. He was on my back worse than any of you, and now we’re chill. And his book ain’t half bad at a cursory glance.