Ryan Call
September 29th, 2009 / 4:12 pm
Mean

People Blurbed HTMLGIANT

glued

I’ve tried to collect from the internet as many ‘blurbs’ as possible over the course of this past year, and I’d like to share a few of them with you here to celebrate our having survived twelve months of being the internet literature magazine blog of the future. The blurbs are real, in that I copied and pasted them from comments and other websites, but I have dropped the names of the blurbers in order to protect the innocent. So, thanks for reading us, hating us, loving us, shittalking us, and supporting us.

“Exactly equivalent to writing on a bathroom wall, and shame on you. Talk about ’slime balls.’ Slime ball indeed.”
~ Richard Bausch

“I’ve come to realize that HTMLGIANT contributors are, in large part, idiots.”
~ Jerzy Kosinski

“I think HTMLGIANT is still trying to find their voice. They seem to teeter between adolescent posturing and intelligent discussion.”
~ Oprah Winfrey

“I’m ever amazed & occasionally entertained (though not this time) by the inventiveness found in the blogosphere–not to mention how much time the environment steals from the writing of actual poems.”
~ Tao Lin

“I’m sick of their arrogant, narcissistic ways. Sure, their narcissim makes for entertaining blog posts, but it will all wear thin sooner or later. It’s kinda like getting to eavesdrop on what’s going on at the cool kid’s lunch table…”
~ Andy Milonakis

“i think though the postivity is there [at HTMLGIANT], it’s just buried under the negativity, and the dramas getting re-hashed and re-hashed and there’s no accountability.”
~ Tony Kushner

“I don’t get it either. It seems very Warhol-esk, you know, create your own scene…even if it sucks. Make a tight circle of friends, and generate a buzz. It seems to be more about “pop culture” and self-promotion than about poetry. I can wait them out…”
~ Valerie Solanas

“I was so unmotivated by their bullshit.”
~ Stephen Covey

“I hate this place.”
~ Satan

“I like your work. I hate you as poeple. You’re all insecure and bitter and whiny. Everyone that posts on HTMLGIANT. Everyone that posts in the comment section. I want to punch each and everyone of you in the mouth.”
~ Mike Tyson

“I think I’m done with this shit. Some of y’all have interesting posts, but that’s outweighed by the dumb shit. It’s not even inspired stupidity.”
~ Rip Torn

“you people have showed you’re totally immature and not to be taken seriously.”
~ James Frey

“clean up your frat house, boys. I know you expect black women to do it for you but it ain’t 1955 Ohio anymore.”
~ Toni Morrison

“basically a white supremacist site.”
~ Pat Buchanan

“Do you actually expect normal people to read this?”
~ Jeffrey Dahmer

“people can go elsewhere for consideration of adult literature.”
~ Sasha Grey

“what happened to htmlgiant?”
~ Douglas Coupland

“i only check it to see if a featured writer has left/been given the boot since there is not notification.”
~ Paula Abdul

“just typed htmlgiant.com into the address bar, pressed enter and then deleted the tab immediately before seeing anything”
~ Steve Jobs’s old kidney

“Is HTMLGIANT quite a long while behind the rest of the world?”
~ Eddie Murphy

“your idea of criticism is like the jerky Republican congressman who said “You lie!” to our Commander in Chief last night. To continue with the analogy to the Grand Old Party – not that most of you will understand the references: if McSweeney’s was Teddy Roosevelt and Robert LaFollette, and n+1 Richard Nixon and William F. Buckley. . . HTML Giant is Sarah Palin and Glenn Beck.”
~ Sarah Palin, author of the new memoir from Harper Collins, Going Rogue, out in bookstores this November

“upper-middle class white guys with coddled lives talking about meaningless bullshit and making a joke out of it because life is so easy and time only exists to mock things including existential despair.”
~ John Updike

“I used to think you were cool. Enough of this petty shit. Now I want to bash your face in.”
~ Mike Tyson again

“Ummmm….Many of the “humor” posts are really douchey and childish. Sorry, they are.”
~ William S. Burroughs

“not enough boobs.”
~ Barack Obama

“After reading through several posts from HTMLGIANT, I have to wonder if the small press community has always been so negative.”
~ Bo Jackson

“Personally using outlook with a boat full of rules seems to keep most of my email problems in order. Oh, and fuck HTMLGIANT.”
~ Richard Dawkins

“You all suck and you are so immature and you writing makes me sick !!!!!!!!!”
~ Richard Dawkins

“just irrelevant, like John McCain.”
~ Jim Carrey

Tags: ,

27 Comments

  1. Michael Schaub

      I’m pretty sure this actually is 1955 Ohio. I just took Governor Lausche’s daughter to a showing of “The Night of the Hunter” last night, after which we spooned at the malt shop.

      reply

  2. drew kalbach

      thought the ‘not enough boobs’ blurb was insightful, seriously.

      reply

      gena

  3. Sam Pink

      dude fuck jim carrey.

      reply

  4. mike
  5. gena

      haha for a minute, i actually thought oprah said something about htmlgiant. :)

      reply

  6. Jimmy Chen

      good job with the fictional people, i eag’d 3 – 4 times.
      eag is “emit a guffaw,” the new lol

      reply

      mike

        did you know andrew bird invented “eag”

        reply

  7. Rozi Jovanovic

      Tony Kushner’s right, ‘the dramas getting re-hashed and re-hashed and there’s no accountability.” You should elect a board, like other internet fora, so we can depose some people.

      reply

  8. Janey Smith

      Next have all these pieces of IKEA furniture blurbing about the GIANT followed by ANOTHER post about Tao Lin!

      reply

  9. Rauan

      “A sorority house”– Dan Rather

      reply

  10. Justin Taylor

      If these are all pulled off our comments threads and other public boards, why bother dropping the names? won’t googling for any of these quotes give me the originals in context? (Answer: yes.)

      reply

      Justin Taylor

        Great post though. I just don’t understand who you’re protecting. All the trolls used fake names in the first place, and everyone else presumably stands by what s/he said.

        reply

        Ryan Call

          actually, i have no idea. i didnt really think it through to be honest. i just kept a file of funny comments. if you google them, you can find em for sure.

          reply

  11. Adam R

      Are there any nice ones that you kept track of?

      reply

      Ryan Call

        i didnt think about keeping nice ones. maybe ill do that for next year

        reply

  12. Blake Butler

      i’m pretty proud of this list, thanks ryan

      reply

  13. Blake Butler

      every time i post here now i countdown to how quickly someone will tell me i’m wrong or dumb or ugly, it’s my favorite part of the site

      reply

      MG

        Shut up, idiot.

        Really just kidding, tho. I LOVE YOU BLAKE DON’T SQUEEZE ME.

        reply

  14. james yeh

      palin, heh

      wonder what happened to that anonymous, the “captain”

      reply

      Ryan Call

        he might be on a trip? its sometimes hard to get in touch with my dad when he’s flying.

        reply

        Blake Butler

  15. rion

      Funny…

      How did I become William Burroughs? I’m Rip Torn too?

      The Burroughs one was inspired. The Rip Torn one was just douchey and childish.

      reply

  16. david erlewine

      the covey one elicited an eag

      reply

  17. Tim Jones-Yelvington
  18. Ralph Nader

      This website is actually getting a lot better. Some of the better posters are posting more and even some of the douchebags have stepped up their game (or no longer post). Some of them I’m willing to say are not even douchebags anymore. Lately there have been some good discussions, like the one on Brandi Wells’s Instructional. Maybe it could be a cool feature if we discussed a story from the independent lit community every once in a while. Just a thought.

      I’ve been enjoying posts by Blake Butler (previously I didn’t)
      Ryan Call
      Matthew Simmons
      Roxane Gay
      and there are a couple of others….

      The humor has had a lot more maturity lately. Adding Roxane Gay was a great move. All we need now is the return of the best htmlgiant contributor of all time, PR (or a decent explanation of where she went).

      reply

      Mick Jagger

        Oh yeah and Michael Schaub.

        And Blake’s book is pretty good so far.

        You can use that as a blurb,

        “Blake’s book is pretty good so far.”
        —Mick Jagger

        reply

Comment

the internet literature
magazine blog
of the future

Advertisement


Support HTMLGIANT contributors by supporting their literature