April 9th, 2012 / 10:53 pm

Blurbs I’d Like to See

“This book threw me to the floor, naked and racist, desperately gasping for air. A work that could truly only have come from [author’s name]’s extended pregnancy.” – Harper’s

“Bubbling with humility.” – The Independent

“<;-)” – Cynthia Ozick

“The Justin Taylor of the fixed gear scooter generation. Joshua Cohen for your gay Jewish nephew. Just because you don’t get it, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try. The codes of these satin pages will bleed you dry with their suggestive, yet ultimately fustian, message. Not to be missed by any fans of Bearbaiting: 2100.” – Paul Auster’s great-great-granddaughter

“If films are the new books, this book is an old film. [Author’s name] tucks you silently into bed and turns out the light on charity.” – New York Times

“[A blurb by a hotdog].” – a hotdog at Gray’s Papaya (6th Ave/8th St. location)

“My girlfriend loved your TV show when you used to have one.” – The Guardian

“Like fingernails across the chalkboard of a Brooklyn coffee-shop. Like music played on a broken giraffe’s carcass. [Author’s name] has given us a gift more permanent than HIV/AIDS, more lasting than the Lincoln assassination, and your kids will be talking about it long after you’ve become the bigot.” – Muareen Corrigan (for NPR)

“An invalid wakes at dawn with a banana-clip necklace. This novel won’t tell you the answer to any age old question, but it may find you choking on a half eaten bagel on the city bus.” – Frank Peretti

“If Nabokov, Updike, Lish, and Baker suffered from psoriasis, [author’s name] can be said to have eczema.” – The Millions

“I was left with a tacit boner.” – Erik Stinson

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  1. Spenser Davis

      “OK, I read your fucking book” -Gary Shteyngart

  2. Frank Tas, the Raptor

      “This book is more important than anything I ever did.” – Martin Luther King, Jr.

      “This book is out of this world!” – A alien

      “This book is a slam dunk.” – Kobe Bryant

      “This book is bigger than my dick.” – A porn star

      “I had a GREAT TOME at this book.” – Guy who writes captions for Bar Mitzvah tee shirts

      “I loved what this book ackhieved.” – Cathy

  3. Nich Eggert

      “A great novel. A phenomenal debut. Thrillingly alive, sublimely creepy, distressingly scary, breathtakingly intelligent – it renders most other fiction meaningless. One can imagine Thomas Pynchon, J.G. Ballard, Stephen King, and David Foster Wallace bowing at [Author]’s feet, choking with astonishment, surprise, laughter awe.” -Bret Easton Ellis

  4. Nich Eggert

      Oh wait….hehe

  5. deadgod

      “Hello, 9-1-1?  There’s a book here that looks like it’s up to no good.  I’m going to find out what’s going on… ” — George Zimmerman

  6. deadgod

      “They stole my Tag Heuer, my iPhone, my wallet and keys, stripped me, teabagged me, and put it all on youtube — but they didn’t take this book away from me!” — tourist in Baltimore

      “While I was walking to the store, a dude in a truck shot me!  –but this book stopped the bullet.” — Tulsa resident

  7. Frank Tas, the Raptor

       “I hated this book. No one should read this book. It is wildly inappropriate.” – Someone from Arizona

  8. Frank Rodriguez

      why are the references to racism so funny in this context?

  9. iairmaxshoes.com

      Perhaps this is one of the most interesting blogs that I have ever seen. Interesting article, Funny comment. Keep it up!

  10. bartleby_taco

      “i just read blood meridian for the first time, in the last scene a dancing bear gets shot in a bar or something, it made me feel sad for the bear” – john ashbery on zachary german’s new novel, released by picador

  11. Justin Sirois

      This is the first post in a while that had me laughing out loud. You guys are golden.  

  12. Grant Maierhofer

      Jesus christ, “This book threw me to the floor, naked and racist,” might be the most hilarious thing I’ve ever read on this or any website…Now converting every description I ever wrote into sentences to accommodate the phrase “naked and racist.” Jesus fuck that’s funny.

  13. Grant Maierhofer

      “This book fucked my girlfriend”