July 6th, 2013 / 4:11 pm
Behind the Scenes & Random

Dear Rauan,… (2)

Rabbit Prancing

Rauan – Ready to Help


[  this is the 2nd installment of my “Dear Rauan” advice column. special thanks, again, to Kim Gek Lin Short for reminding me that I can and should “help people”   ]


and, anyways, this time we have Marc from California

dear rauan,

i’m up for tenure–this is not the route I thought my life would take, and in the meantime every where I turn I hear a snide bro poet remark about lower than prestigious writing school teachers with shit for names and shit for publications. hmmm maybe I could give my shit name-brain to htmlgiant and mar their tar-stained code of duress. but I’m motivated to pursue higher than dick personality types for publishing, stay out of earshot, and write about animals and tarot. so my question, dear rauan, is how would I go about writing for htmlgiant?

thank you in advance,
Marc J. Renton



Academia / HTMLGIANT (??)


And, so–

Rauan Responds:


Dear Marc,

1) First of all I have no idea where all this keys to the garden and HTMLGIANT as “Dark Savior” started. Actually, I do. (and people should be beaten). But anyways.

2) “Teaching” always needles into me this story about this guy who takes in a demon who rides him around the bible, screaming, chickens, lentils and shit. And then leaves him unconscious in an ER foyer.


“chickens, lentils & shit” – a favorite story

3) Are you getting laid enough? And don’t get your panties twisted up into some tar-stained knot of duress. And smell the clean air, man, and stare up at the gorgeous sky. (the baby’s corpse’s crawling around on the ceiling and the cat shit’s coming to life). And touchdowns will save us all.

4) And Marc, Marc, (shaking my head), surely you must know that you’re not allowed to use the word “duress” on HTMLGIANT (in CAPS, dumbass!!)?? Total-shite move, dude. But have you thought (much!) about taking your talents to one of the giant pharmaceuticals? Or the Poetry Foundation? Or maybe you could suck diamonds out of Madonna’s “Madge” body? Sing the earth, man? Eat a rat and call me Jesus?


“teaching’s a hoot”

5) (I’m just going to ignore that “animals and tarot” crap)— And, now, my son, lie on the floor and go to that happiest place of all where children cavort and revolve through and around tulips and bulbous youth in the latest Best American Poetry.

chimp smoking

“extremely high standards!

6) And just in case you haven’t noticed HTMLGIANT has extremely high standards. Like NASA shit. So, man, are you a Neil Fucking Armstrong? (sorry for the language, I haven’t been laid in months).

7) I’ve just kicked and kicked a thousand small dogs. And it was all Pro Bono (for that U2 midget, I mean. Yeah, that Irish frontman who conned George W.) But, anyways, so what makes you so damned special?


born to help

Glad I could help,


p.s.   Dear Rauan,… (1) is available here




  1. Rauan Klassnik

      “HTMLGiant is the Gawker of incestuous, circlejerk poets. Or, as I like to call them, ‘poets’ ..” tweets @coreybeasley

  2. Greg B

      Oh I’ve heard of those.

  3. Trey

      idk, for a long time all the posts on htmlgiant that were about writing or literature were really about fiction. I mean there’s some poetry. more now I guess than there has been.

      also people say incestuous and circlejerk, but even incesteers and circlejerkers orgasm.

      or maybe I’m being too defensive.

  4. Guest

      Incesteers and circlejerkers orgasm, sure, but non-those have multiple orgasms.

  5. Rauan Klassnik

      some people don’t laugh or orgasm (and most of them are fiction writers)

  6. Rauan Klassnik

      women are as bad as men

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      […] dear rauan 2 …  how would I go about writing for htmlgiant? […]

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