October 17th, 2011 / 9:45 pm
Craft Notes & Random


several days ago i stayed up all night watching the ocean and telling myself that i will never go back. i felt that after that moment, everything would have to be different. i finally get it. i finally understand what it’s all about. i see everything now and i know what decisions must be made. what have i got to do to not forget this lesson? to not lose contact. in a few hours i will be zipped across this very sky on a plane en route to baltimore. i will ride it for free using the complimentary ticket i got when i wrote and faxed a four page complaint to american airlines—faxed so i could bypass the word limit on the website form (who said writing skillz aren’t practical?). i am afraid. i know that in baltimore i will not have the psychic or physical space to really sink into it and i’m wondering—does being around people desensitize you, force you onto a different wavelength, flatten your really intense visions and impulses? BECAUSE IF I AM TO WRITE I CANNOT BE DESENSITIZED. how am i going to write these books? to think, several days ago i was at the end of my life laughing, watching the waves crash into the rocks as the world expanded in every directions all around me. i was on this extremely long and lonely journey just to figure out that everything would be okay, and when i came to this realization everything suddenly opened up. i was inside my life in this totally different way—for the first time i wasn’t wishing i were somewhere else; wasn’t wishing i were smarter, better or more like this or that. mid-revelation a cop pulled up, parked his car, and stared me down. he wouldn’t leave. fuck that cop. and all other cops. you’re cramping my style. i stumbled away from the cop and into the gaze of a pack of drunk guys. they started yelling sexual comments at me and began to walk toward me. i was preparing myself to fight and was convinced i could take all of them down. just then my little brother and his friend showed up.


  1. MJ

      “fuck that cop. and all other cops. you’re cramping my style”

      That is a glory hole.

  2. Guest


  3. JW

      Baltimore will certainly benefit from your presence, and I hope you can find inspiration in its strangeness.

  4. mimi

      does being around people desensitize you, force you onto a different wavelength, flatten your really intense visions and impulses?  
      not really, in fact being around other people heightens my senses, mainly because, i think, people are so fascinating and weird 

      i tend to vacillate between sensitized and hyper-sensitized  

      the thing i really wish is that i could be invisible while amongst people, a ‘fly on the wall’

  5. Nick

      Get in there, mix it up — your writing can ONLY benefit from the prolonged exposure. You can’t worship at the alter of Art 24/7. Worst case scenario, you have to make daily trips to the local library to grab some precious reading/writing/researching hrs. Best of luck!

  6. jackie wang

      yeah baltimore is a funny place. are you here?!

  7. Guest

      Hey Jackie. I was at the ocean once. The cop came and shined headlights through the bars they put up to fence off the pier and I lay there trying not to breathe. Some raccoons were on the pier with me. It was one of the worst nights of my life. I hope Baltimore is okay.

  8. jackie wang

      yeah people are totally crazy. i enjoy being in situations. like with the cop and the drunk dude–i actually emerged feeling like i fought the cops and the patriarchy and won… psychically. they will be miserable. makes me think of everything.

      by being around people i meant socializing… hanging out. that kind of thing. i kind of have to adjust my temperament–de-intensify–just to make sense and talk.

  9. jackie wang

      ohhh i definitely don’t mean leading a cloistered writerly life. if anything i mean traveling alone and sleeping in ditches. being outside. bicycling while looking at the trees. that kind of thing. by “being around people” i meant spending 24/7 hangin out, not taking the time to reflect… i think sitting in a room alone desensitizes you.

  10. JW

      Yes I am but I’m not a native (I’m from PA), so I have an outsider’s perspective on it.  I still don’t have a feeling for what Baltimore “is” and I have lived here for eight years.

  11. jackie wang

      hi kejt! is this the kejt i know?? so troubling about the way cops occupy space. those intrusive lights, the way you suddenly become criminal when caught in them…even if you’re just watching the ocean

  12. jackie wang

      what do you do here? i want to hear more about what goes on… and who is around. you can always email me at loneberry (at) gmail (dot) com

  13. Anonymous
  14. Guest

       I’m pretty sure I’m the Kejt you know. I mean I know you. Haha. Yes, there’s something about the way I felt when the cops came and I just wanted to be at the ocean and I felt like I was breaking the law that I will never forget.

  15. jackie wang

      hi kejt—
      where are you? did you leave NC? i was just in SRQ. how are you doing these days??

  16. Guest

       I’m at University of Oregon. I am happy. I’m doing queer activism, taking poetry classes, and enjoying everything. hope you are well!