25 Points: Escape from Tomorrow

Posted by @ 12:00 pm on June 19th, 2014

escape-from-tomorrow

 

1.  This movie stuck it to the man by filming the entire production in both Disneyland and Disney World without their permission.

2.  Disney is apparently “aware” of this movie but has taken no legal action.

3.  I’d never heard of this film until a friend forced me to watch it. I neither regret this nor thank him for it.

4.  This film somehow succeeded in making Disney a terrifying menace that is a threat to fathers everywhere.

5.  “What the fuck am I watching?” is what I thought multiple times while viewing this film.

6.  Pedophilia is everywhere in Disney. Fathers chase after underage French girls, retired Disney princesses kidnap little kids to reenact scenes from Snow White, little boys are shown pictures of naked foreign women during cinematic rides—the list goes on and on.

7.  Can’t help but be paranoid that Disney will sue me over this review. I have nothing, you bastards.

8.  The film opened with someone being decapitated on a Disney ride—then cut to a scene of a corporate asshole firing the protagonist over the phone while he was on vacation with his family. The scary part is that both of these incidents have occurred multiple times throughout the course of modern human history. This makes me dread graduating college and entering the real world.

9.  My friend and I both agreed that the protagonist’s wife was a bitch the entire film. (Spoilers: she sadly doesn’t die.)

10. There’s a scene where a nurse suddenly breaks into tears and I still don’t understand why.

11. The use of bright, Disney-esque orchestra music throughout the film accompanied the tense atmosphere nicely.

12. I already suffered from coasterphobia (the extreme, irrational fear of roller coasters)—this film only solidified and increased that fear.

13. There is no logical plot to this film. I cannot tell you what it is about, or what it all means. Basically a father of two children with a bitchy wife has a very bad last day at Disney World. It’s an episode of the Twilight Zone on crack and is comparable to the work of David Lynch. In fact, the writer and director of this film is a “poor man’s” David Lynch.

14. There is an animatronic robot living under Epcot’s Spaceship Earth that keeps surveillance on everyone in Disney World. The robot kidnaps children and uses them for “an experiment” that is never fully explained. It wouldn’t surprise me if this were true.

15. This film taught that me that the costumed princesses are a part of a secret prostitution ring that services “rich Asian businessmen.” (It’s honestly one of the more logical plot points of this entire movie.)

16. There is an epidemic of “cat flu” at Disney World. Symptoms include: horrific hallucinations, adultery, pedophilia, being a terrible father, alcoholism, and vomiting blood and hairballs. May lead to result of death, with a smile, if left untreated.

17. I really can’t get over the amount of pedophilia in this movie.

18. The lead actor, Roy Abramsohn, looks like a fat Tom Cruise.

19. Fat Tom Cruise told his son that he thought his mother was beautiful “in a classical way…like Emily Dickinson.”

20. Fat Tom Cruise tries to strangle a fatter man in a wheel chair. He doesn’t succeed.

21. One of the underage French girls spits in fat Tom Cruise’s face. (It isn’t apparent that he finds sexual pleasure from this experience.)

22. Fat Tom Cruise somehow stubs his toe so badly, that it bleeds profusely for the rest of the film.

23. What kind of son doesn’t help his dying father? (The same kind of son whose father made him go on Space Mountain and told him his mother looks like Emily Dickinson.)

24. I don’t know what else to say here. No other movie has baffled or frustrated me so since Synecdoche, New York. I don’t know who to recommend this to. I don’t know if I ever want to watch it again. All I know is that Disney is the devil.

25. The turkey at Disney World isn’t really turkey—it’s emu.

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