some things that i ate this week and a review of how they tasted

slapshot (starring Paul Newman): I was the coolest guy that ever lived and you were a hair stylist and the goalie in our love was from a foreign country and would yell at us and then the factory closed down which made everyone in town sad because people would soon be really poor and they would have to kill themselves, but it was okay because I was still really cool and this guy from Princeton was good at hockey even though he had dad issues and then the owner gave birth to three retards that liked to punch things so the team started winning again and I slept with the wife of the other team’s goalie and then someone said ‘Faggot’ and another guy said, “This one time I was in Florida and the snatch was crawling out my boobs.” And the guy from Princeton became in touch with his feminine body which made you raise your eyebrows and I raised my eyebrows and then we looked at each other long and hard and you said, “New York City,” and I said, “Minnesota,” and our love was still a goalie from a foreign country but it had grown into a shape that smelled like three retards born out the ass of a nation of absurdity that sometimes laughs when people say, “Faggot.”

the external combustion engine by Michael Ives: Some kids were in the park doing bad things. I yelled at them. You told me not to yell at them. There was something interesting in our shared thoughts, but the afternoon didn’t quite go as planned. I think you went into the movie business and I went into education. Someone either you knew or I knew got me a job at a school where someone I knew once went, but I think it was only temporary. The world is going to end. This makes me upset because I can’t do anything but watch it end and I wish that instead of doing this I was looking at you as you watched the whole thing end.

the box man by Kobo Abe: I was homeless or maybe you were homeless and at some point we decided to be naked and homeless together in a box, but another person wanted the box so you gave me some money and I gave the box to him, but he wasn’t who he said he was because someone had paid him to be them and they just wanted to smoke morphine all day so they kept paying him to be them so they didn’t have anything to do but smoke morphine and he was tired of being them so he decided he was going to be me which is why he made you pay me to be me and then I was no longer homeless and didn’t have to live in the small box but instead I lived in a really large box with you until you got tired of me and moved out of my large box.

babyfucker by Urs Allemann: A man was in a room that was the worst place to ever be and that man was me and maybe the room was me too but I was afraid to look at where I was even though you might have been in the room. I was very much in love with you or maybe you were on the balcony, but I just couldn’t bring myself to open my eyes because I was afraid I was doing the worst thing that a person could ever do and you would not be able to help me because I was touching the things that were bad to touch in the way I was touching them.

dance with snakes by Horacio Castellanos Moya: I was unemployed and you were the shape of something that made me nervous that was hidden in an old yellow american-made automobile owned by a broken down man who I would eventually kill with my bone handled object. The world is an absurd place of violence and you and I are became deeply in love because of this absurdity, but it was interrupted for about sixty pages by a man being professional and then a woman being professional. Then the last section of our love was great because we did cocaine and you swam naked in my body and then someone dropped some bombs or machine guns on our love and I lost you and went home because I was dirty and still unemployed.

parks and recreation (season one, pilot): Someone fell in a hole and maybe it was me and maybe I broke both my legs and maybe you made me pancakes and maybe you complained to the government and maybe the government gave birth to a dummy named Amy who pretended to be a dummy because people like to laugh when someone is dumb and they can say, “Yeah, that’s how people really are. People are dumb. Slap us in the face until we laugh at the stupidity of us,” and then the government decided to build a slide on the hole that broke my legs and fed me pancakes.

eastbound & down (season two, episode one): I once had a really good life and people really loved me because I was really good at something very specific and then I thought I was too good for you so you went and taught middle school while I did something very specific until I was no longer good at it. Then I went to your middle school classroom and we were going to live happily ever after but then I realized I wasn’t good enough for you and moved to Mexico. You followed me and turned into a rooster and I loved you until you died and then you were the lead singer in a Latin House Band and I think we had sex and then you dumped me and I felt sad so I ate dinner with my neighbor who loves Jesus. Then I rode my mini-bike to a place where I could do something very specific and be good at it again and I was. I was good at something very specific and I had a feeling that you would fall in love with me again.

less than zero by Bret Easton Ellis: You were a privileged youth who did a lot of coke and I was a privileged youth who did a lot of coke. We both pretended to be numb to our existential loneliness and pretended to not know why we were crying when we realized we were alone in our rooms crying. All our friends did coke until one of them had a big coke debt and had to take sex from a middle-aged man who wanted to give sex to young boys while privileged youth like me were paid to watch. So I did that for a while and then a twelve-year old girl was raped and I pretended it wasn’t you and then someone found a dead body and I pretended it wasn’t you and then I had to go back to college and I think it was supposed to mean something, but our love was not love because our noses were fucked and people without noses can’t love other people without noses.

louie (season one, pilot): Some guy that is me when I am forty and divorced and have two children is in love with you but you are nothing but the funny words that come out of me when I am forty and divorced. There is this other girl and she is maybe twenty-five and kind of looks really good in comparison to me and we go on a date and I try to kiss her mouth with the mouth that is you that I am love with and that gave birth to my two children, but the girl who is maybe twenty-five gets in a helicopter and flies away.