June 16th, 2009 / 3:00 pm
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Hey, howsabout a joke?
One writer says to another writer: So, what are you working on?
Other writer says: Oh, I’ve been writing a novel.
First writer says: Yeah, me neither.
Got another? Let’s hear it.
Tags: Jokes
Matthew Simmons
June 16th, 2009 / 3:00 pm
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June 16th, 2009 / 3:00 pm
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Joke told to me by my buddy Bryan Furuness.
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like it.
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one alan cheuse used to tell a lot in his classes but i dont know where he got it from and im probably going to mess it up but you get the idea:
writer walks into a bar. says to barkeeper, ‘ive finished my novel but i cant come up with a good title for it.’ barkeep thinks for a moment then asks, ‘does your novel have any alligators in it?’ and the writer says, ‘no,’ and the barkeep says, ‘why not call it NOT ABOUT ALLIGATORS.’
bah!
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June 16th, 2009 / 4:11 pmpr—
Love it.
That reminds me of a hunting joke that goes— three hunters went out deer hunting. They came upon a man that was directly in front of him. The man started to wave his hands around frantically, saying “Don’t shoot! Don’t shoot! I am not a deer!!’ One of the hunters blasts away at him. His friends look at him and say, “Why did you do that? He said he was not a deer.” The hunter says, “OH! I thought he said, “I AM a deer.”‘
badabum.
I love dumb jokes. Years of bartending makes it a part of life.
I don’t know any writer jokes.
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ha that’s a good one.
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i don’t get it
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i tell the same jokes over and over ’cause they’re the only one’s i remember
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A joke is a short story or ironic depiction of a situation communicated with the intent of being humorous.
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There’s the one from the title story of Tobias Wolff’s “In the Garden of the North American Martyrs” where a writer, on meeting a friend she hasn’t seen in forever, launches into this endless, narcissistic rundown of everything that’s been going on in her personal life. Finally she stops and says: “But that’s enough about me. Let’s talk about you — what did you think of my last book?”
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June 17th, 2009 / 7:16 amdavid erlewine—
I remember that joke and laughed again reading it now. Thanks…Mark.
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What do priests and pimples have in common?
They both come on your face when you’re twelve.
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What’s the best thing about getting a hand job from a six year old??
How big your dick looks.
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What’s the worst thing about having sex with a little boy?
Pulling the shards of bloody little boy teeth out of your elbow for days afterwards and how it keeps reminding you how awesome that was.
Thank you! Goodnight!
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June 16th, 2009 / 6:12 pmMatthew Simmons—
These are lovely.
Variation I have heard for this one is:
What’s the worst thing about having sex with a little boy?
Scrubbing the blood stains out of your clown suit.
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June 16th, 2009 / 7:02 pmGian—
Yeh. That was the punchline I heard as well (and it is definitely better). I was just freestylin’ it.
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June 16th, 2009 / 8:02 pmsasha fletcher—
what’s the worst part about fucking raping a little boy
not a fucking thing!
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Why do women have periods?
Because they deserve them.
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my mom’s favorite joke:
a Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor, and says, “Make me one with everything.”
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June 16th, 2009 / 6:51 pmpr—
btw- this is great.
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June 16th, 2009 / 6:58 pmryan—
it’s sad that with all the inappropriate jokes i’ve heard over the years that the only jokes i remember are the ones my mom thinks are funny.
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June 17th, 2009 / 8:21 amIan Aleksander Adams—
This is my dad’s favorite joke:
A guy in a trench coat walks up to three little old ladies on a park bench, and flashes them.
The first one had a stroke, the second one had a stroke, and the third was too feeble to reach.
June 17th, 2009 / 1:46 pmElisa—
I prefer the anti-joke version:
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, “Do you have any Tofu Pups?”
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A man is hitchhiking. A truck driver pulls over and picks him up.
The man says, “I just want you to know, I ain’t some sort of faggot or anything.”
The truck driver says, “That’s OK, because I’m going to fuck you anyway.”
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June 16th, 2009 / 6:06 pmryan—
haha!
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June 16th, 2009 / 6:14 pmMatthew Simmons—
Another thing I love about Richard Bausch, pr? He knows every joke ever told. Seriously. I know a pile of jokes but I could not stump him.
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June 16th, 2009 / 6:33 pmpr—
I’ve heard that about him! I still have not read Peace but I will! This summer- lots of reading. Just finished Knockemstiff by Pollack(sp?)- brilliant. Now am trying to finish Timmy Waldron’s collection just out by Word Riot….good stuff. But I also picked up Gaitskill today and read a story of hers (over again, cause I was half asleep/four glasses of wine last time I read it, it’s very good, called College Town 1980) and also perused Metaphysics as Morals by Iris Murdoch due to a conversation I’m having with Keith N B, but that didn’t really head much. I also read Revolver. I might write about this metal band 1349 and a bit about the history of the black plague. BUt I THANK you for sending me Peace and I so look forward to it’s turn in my haphazard line up.
I used to have a bunch of terribly offensive jokes that would freak out bar customers in the best way – they feared me.
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June 16th, 2009 / 7:02 pmGian—
YES!!
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OH MAN I GOT ONE
this is one of my dad’s jokes
why did hemingway cross the road?
to die. alone. in the rain.
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June 16th, 2009 / 6:50 pmGian—
beautiful
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Why don’t women need watches?
There’s a clock on the stove.
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What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing. You already told her twice.
Thank you again! Goodnight again!
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June 16th, 2009 / 7:10 pmryan—
your jokes are giving me flashbacks to a good friend of mine who i haven’t seen in a while. nostalgia.
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Have I mentioned this a million times? How I once interviewed Brian Beatty about how the crossover between jokes and poems?
I like that interview.
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June 16th, 2009 / 7:49 pmryan—
that interview is a lot of fun. humorous poetry does seem to be on the rise, though still not the norm. (?). i’m talking out my ass as usual. i wrote a poem that has a bad joke in it recently, part of me wants to edit it out.
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June 16th, 2009 / 8:20 pmBlake Butler—
i’d be interested in a piece about what people see in brian beatty’s poems/jokes. i’ve never ‘gotten’ a single one.
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June 16th, 2009 / 8:38 pmdarby—
you’re probably trying too hard to find something funnier about them when really they function on just, did you notice that connection I threw in there?
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June 16th, 2009 / 8:53 pmdarby—
http://www.mcsweeneys.net/links/jokes/2gotyourtoes.html
In this poem, the prot admits to having a foot fetish. Except it’s not a traditional foot fetish, it’s a fetish of wanting women to have feet. It’s like an inverted fetish since nearly all women have feet. Clever! Then later admits it’s because he likes the chase of romance. Chase! Only women who have feet can be chased!
It’s only funny if you can get past Beatty waving his clever stick.
June 16th, 2009 / 9:10 pmdarby—
that came out mean. we probably should define what’s meant by ‘getting’ something. Isn’t it just being smart enough to see a connection, and why is that funny? It’s more like a lightbulb, and then you say, ah, I see the lightbulb, and now I’ve attached a good feeling to my discovery so here’s a chuckle. Funny has to happen more spontaneously and a little surreal, I think. I don’t know what funny is actually. I feel like I haven’t laughed hard at something in a very long time.
June 16th, 2009 / 9:16 pmBlake Butler—
i mean i dont find them funny or clever or interesting or even that they are really saying anything at all. its like white paper usually. zip. and not zip in the aesthetic way that things that are zip can still impact.
they’re cute. that’s what they are. cute.
June 16th, 2009 / 9:17 pmdarby—
what’s funny then?
I want to write an essay about humor.
June 16th, 2009 / 9:19 pmdarby—
or for that matter, what’s clever?
June 16th, 2009 / 9:21 pmBlake Butler—
i know, right? ;)
June 16th, 2009 / 10:39 pmdarby—
;)
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Woman walks into the bar. She orders five martinis.
“five martinis?” the bartender says?
“yeah” she says,
He lines them up. She downs them all. She’s falling down drunk.
Next night, same woman comes in and orders five martinis.
“You sure?”
“yeah” she says.
He lines them up. She downs them all. She’s falling down drunk. A bunch of guys around the pool table notice her. one guys says, “let’s take her in the alley and fuck her”. “OK!” says the others. They take her in the alley.
Next night, same woman comes in and orders five shots of bourbon.
“bourbon?” says the bartender.
“yeah,” says the woman. “martinis make my pussy hurt.
And goodnight!! (Imitating Gian, and fighting him for most offensive joke…)
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June 16th, 2009 / 7:58 pmpr—
Sorry. That one is awful. I actually am a nice person. I swear.
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June 16th, 2009 / 8:01 pmryan—
that may be my favorite one!
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June 16th, 2009 / 8:43 pmpr—
Thank you for not thinking I’m satan. I just find truly distasteful and politically incorrect jokes sort of mind blowing or something.
Jokes are our way of dealing with fear and pain and wrongness sometimes. OK, I’m done being an ass and justifying and so forth.
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June 16th, 2009 / 9:01 pmryan—
inappropriate senses of humor are the best kind, and most endearing, in my book.
oops. let me try again.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qmSSo0-vEKY
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i had a poetry professor once who said “‘clever’ is death for a writer”
then again he was an incredible douchebag.
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June 16th, 2009 / 11:31 pmdonald barthelme—
doomsday… is he… is he…
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There are two ducks swimming in a pond. One says “quack quack”, and teh other says “oi – why the fuck did you just call me a peice of toast?”
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no time for jokes
i’m writing the great american novel!
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June 16th, 2009 / 11:20 pmKen Baumann—
you can’t be serious and funny at once!
no way!
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June 16th, 2009 / 11:35 pmmike topp—
can you give me $100?
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June 16th, 2009 / 11:36 pmKen Baumann—
i seem to have a reputation for that, don’t i?
June 17th, 2009 / 4:45 ammatthewsavoca—
hahaha
A thread walks into a bar and orders a shot of tequila.
—Sorry, buddy, we don’t serve your kind here.
The thread goes out but sneaks back in trailing a customer.
—Hey! shouts the bartender. I see you, string, you ain’t fooling nobody. Get the hell out.
The thread slinks out and sits on the curb, twisting himself around and mussing up his hair. After a while he walks back in.
The bartender looks up. —Jeez, you look like hell, buddy, You need a . . . wait a damn minute, ain’t you that piece of string I keep telling to scram?
—No, the thread sniffs. I’m a frayed knot.
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June 17th, 2009 / 4:45 ammatthewsavoca—
omg
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June 17th, 2009 / 8:24 amIan Aleksander Adams—
Best
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Sarah Palin would be sickened reading the jokes on here. Thank god Willow doesn’t know how to use a computer. Shame on you no-taste, no-job schmucks. Thanks to our troops!
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June 17th, 2009 / 7:33 amCuauhtémoc Cortés Corrado—
Three guys are sitting at a bar.
#1: “…Yeah, I make $75,000 a year after taxes.”
#2: “What do you do for a living?”
#1: “I’m a stockbroker. How much do you make?
#2: “I should clear $60,000 this year.”
#1: “What do you do?”
#2: “I’m an architect.”
The third guy has been sitting there quietly, staring into his beer, when the others turn to him.
#2: “Hey, how much do you make per year?”
#3: “Gee… hmmm… I guess about $4,000.”
#1: “Oh yeah? What kind of stories do you write?”
GET A REAL JOB, BEECHEZS!
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June 17th, 2009 / 8:25 amIan Aleksander Adams—
What a shitty architect
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June 17th, 2009 / 8:41 amCuauhtémoc Cortés Corrado—
I should have updated this joke. I think it’s from 1980s or something.
Let’s change the architect number to 115,000 and the writer number to 4550. No idea about stockbroker now, thanks to Obama.
How poor are most fiction writers? When they go to KFC, they have to lick other people’s fingers!
LIVIN’ LA VIDA LOCA here!
I’m sure you wanna know so I’ll lay it out. I earn $145,815 a year, probably the same as any four or five of you. DAMN!
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June 17th, 2009 / 8:03 amRyan Call—
i think the joke is that you keep readding htmlgiant
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June 17th, 2009 / 8:06 amCuauhtémoc Cortés Corrado—
Who has the anger issue now, dear Ryan?
And, my English isn’t perfect so could you explain what readding is?
Time for me to head to MY JOB. Talk to you later, friendo.
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June 17th, 2009 / 8:13 amRyan Call—
i am not angry. i was making a joke. readding is a typo.
June 17th, 2009 / 8:26 amIan Aleksander Adams—
It’s when you add a feed, delete it, and then subscribe again.
CCC, I think the anger comment was directed at me from that other thread. I’m not the Ryan you just lashed out at, I’m a different one.
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June 17th, 2009 / 2:33 pmCuauhtémoc Cortés Corrado—
Are you questioning my ability to stay upset/angry with two guys named Ryan? My calling you (out) as angry was in reference to some time ago when you told me to work on my anger issues (after I told YOU ALL TO GO GET JOBS!). You explained to me, condescendingly so, that most of you had jobs and to deal with my anger.
I am upset with Ryan Manning mainly because I don’t know what in the hell he thinks he’s accomplishing with these inane posts. Angry? You haven’t seen me angry and you don’t want to friendo. I will go Diego Maradona on your head. It will be my bitch soccer ball.
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June 17th, 2009 / 2:38 pmryan—
i thought Ryan Call was the other Ryan you are upset with. I am the one who told you to deal with your anger after you told me to get a job, which coincidentally I’m at right now. I am not Ryan Manning or Ryan Call.
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June 17th, 2009 / 2:41 pmCuauhtémoc Cortés Corrado—
Stop confusing me with the facts.
Fine, you can question my ability to keep track of THREE FREAKING guys named Ryan.
Leave me alone! I’m just a rich guy who LOATHES this fucking site.
I am CCC’s hermano. Leave him alone. I’m insane in the youknowhere.
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Ryan Bradley, if that is your real name, stop bragging about your job. It’s not cool, amigo.
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CCC, if you loathe this site there’s no real reason to visit it is there? Is someone making you? I am confused by this.
Guacomole SC, hermano love, man. Word.
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June 17th, 2009 / 3:11 pmAndré—
“CCC, if you loathe this site there’s no real reason to visit it is there??”
If CCC loathes this site that is a pretty good reason to visit it, I think.
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June 17th, 2009 / 5:30 pmreynard seifert—
as much as i hate to admit it. CCC was right about the jokes being really terrible – it made me very sad to see.
seriously, these jokes make dean cook seem (sort of) funny.
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June 17th, 2009 / 6:12 pmpr—
“If CCC loathes this site that is a pretty good reason to visit it”?
Am I just from another planet, but why in God’s name would anyone hang out on a website that they hate, hating on people? I mean, this to me is a sign of Borderline Personality Disorder and nothing else- it is mental illness. Being hateful and choosing to spend time in a venue that you hate–this is truly unhealthy behavior.
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June 17th, 2009 / 6:34 pmryan—
that is so much better said than I could have done. thanks, pr.
June 17th, 2009 / 7:14 pmAndré—
I still think it’s a good reason to go to a website. Why not? Better he comes (he’s funny) than Ryan Manning. My grandfather is a bitter old man but he is friends with a nice man who visits him every week. He doesn’t enjoy this other man’s company, he berates him, but I’m sure he likes being visited. Why does the other person come, though? He must loathe my grandfather in some way. In high school I had friends I didn’t really like, but I chose to associate with them. Why do people do anything? I think it’s so ridiculous that we are expected only to go to places we “like”, think about things we “like”, associate with people we “like”. People are complicated. Loathing HTMLGIANT is as good a reason as any. Especially on the internet!
June 17th, 2009 / 7:21 pmAndré—
If there’s someone/something you don’t like, isn’t it better to talk to that person, address them on issues you have with them/their belief system, rather than just try to ignore them and pretend they didn’t exist? Might HTMLGIANT and CCC eventually come to some kind of mutual understanding? Might he like some things about this place he didn’t expect to when he was done, that he wouldn’t have otherwise had he just thought “I must avoid HTMLGIANT, because loathe that place!” Isn’t that kind of contrary to the idea of reading “challenging” or “difficult” or “edgy” or whatever art, something that HTMLGIANT (and yourself) seem to agree with in principle? I think most of CCC’s comments are worth considering, in that respect. There’s a lot of truth in them.
this thread is really funny now.
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