March 5th, 2014 / 3:26 pm

I’m panhandling bad advice on other social media sites today. Do you want my bad advice? It will be free of charge, but only for today.


  1. Bobby Dixon

      I have a old carolla and the interior lining is starting to sag. While i was trying to pin it up to the car-ceiling while in the backseat & i noticed a little envelope between the console and the drivers seat. it was a little sun faded and a little water damaged.

      the envelope was addressed to me, but no address or stamps, just my name. after a few seconds i realized why the handwriting looked so familiar, it was my father’s handwriting, & he died a few years ago. i took it inside and did not show it to my wife, who was studying on the couch. i had no idea what this letter could be and i was more repelled than curious — he could be mean & i did not want to know why he had tried to slip me a discrete letter like this. i walked through the house & the letter in my hand did not cause much attention so i took the envelope and decided to stow it away as a bookmark — was not sure which book to put it in. infinite jest seems too obvious a spot to put it, corrections seemed too silly and sad.

      a cormac mccarthy books would be interesting, but it felt to abysmal to put it in the road or all the pretty horses. i had my father’s copy of texas by james michener & my father’s copy of gerald ford’s autobiography, but these books feel all gross.

      so what should i do w/ my lining in my corolla?

  2. Guest

      I would use a hot glue gun – just to make sure the heat will render the adhesive obsolete over time.

  3. anonymous

      I was involved in an abusive friendship with a really manipulative and psychologically fucked up woman. Last time we spoke she accused me of some weird stuff and threatened me with even weirder stuff. It was the final straw for me. I blocked her six ways to Sunday (phone, email, etc.) a few months ago. I recently moved and found a couple pieces of expensive clothes I must have borrowed from her years ago. Do I send them to her? I don’t want the clothes. I also don’t want to send her the wrong message, which would be that I’d want anything to do with her ever again.

  4. lily hoang

      I said to use a hot glue gun. Idk why Disqus signed me in as a guest. That’s solid advice down there, that’s all I’m saying. Thanks, Bobby.

  5. lily hoang

      I’m tempted to say eBay, but that seems like a lot of work.

  6. anonymous

      Salvation Army?

  7. lily hoang

      You want to get some money for it. Buffalo Exchange! Now, that’s some good advice.

  8. anonymous

      Yeah, where’s my bad advice? I feel like I’m being taken for a ride here.

  9. lily hoang

      Model the clothes and post them here in the comments. I could use some new cute clothes, but only if they’re cute.

  10. anonymous

      Now that’s some bad advice. Thank you!

  11. Mark Cugini

      Gonna wait until tomorrow. It’s important for me that I compensate you. #HoangStayPaid.

  12. lily hoang

      I love you, Mark Cugini!

  13. davidpeak

      Dear Lily,

      Should I start reading Heidegger?

  14. lily hoang

      Dear David, I am not a magic 8ball. You should read the wikipedia entry and pretend that you have read his corpus.

  15. Bigplatts

      I really like this girl at school but I can never tell if she’s into me, and she’s always with her damn friends :( what to do?

  16. lily hoang

      Take out her friends, one by one. Here, “take out” can mean one of two things: I will leave that to your discretion.




  18. lily hoang

      Thank you ZZZIPPP !!!

  19. GlorgusTimeMachine

      should i tell my dad how i really feel about him

  20. elias tezapsidis

      hi! i am v tired. what shd i do? thx.

  21. deadgod

      A friend noticed that “panhandle” means ‘ask for’, not ‘offer’. How can she or he make this delicate point to a bad-advice columnist in a lighthearted absurdist way, without communicating hauteur or unkindness to the non-obtuse?

  22. mimi

      i was wondering if ‘everyone else’ was either ignorant ( – but, seriously?) or politely ignoring* that fact

      *i’ll put myself in this camp

      and lily, please, i need some serious advice myself
      what should i do about my compulsion to reply to deadgod’s comments?

  23. Jeremy Hopkins

      It’s like this: she was panhandling elsewhere, and so she’s sharing the bad advice which runneth over the rim of her bountiful pan.

  24. mimi

      you know, when i first read the post, i kinda tried to understand it like that – “elsewhere” equals “other social media”, and

      i dunno, i’m tired too, i gonna go to bed now

  25. lily hoang

      pop an addy.

  26. lily hoang

      So I misused panhandling. I just wanted to use the word because I dislike the Texas panhandle. Sue me. No, don’t.

  27. elias tezapsidis

      no current access. alt solution?

  28. Jeremy Hopkins

      Between the lines, are you saying I should either go to bed or go to other social media sites?

  29. lily hoang

      I am not a magic 8ball, sorry.

  30. lily hoang

      drugs there are aplenty.

  31. deadgod

      Ha ha – it’s a great word. Maybe ‘busking’? like Lucy, only for 5 liberty units of bitcoin rather than 5¢?

      I’d be happy to sue you. For what, though? I’m in Florida–we could make it a Stand Your Ground suit. NO OFFER IS TOO CRAZY

  32. mimi

      oh no!

      what my tired brain was trying to say is “you said what i first thought, my first reaction to lily’s use of ‘panhandle’, and you said it well, quite well, whereas my poor brain was too tired to say anything… well”

  33. mimi

      i thought Oklahoma was the one with the panhandle

      lily, you, and wiki, have enlightened me

  34. lily hoang

      Yup, there’s a Texas panhandle too. I’m from Texas. Or maybe we were talking about the OK panhandle the whole time. We, from Texas, there’s only Texas.

  35. mimi

      i was born in texas, actually, outside of austin, but left while still a wee babe

  36. deadgod

      Any useful craft advice for this advertisement of phenotypical capacity for deep extension?

  37. Jeremy Hopkins

      Wrap that tweet in cellophane, Mayor Dawkins.

  38. mimi
  39. deadgod

      Here’s my fourth couplet [first line thanks to Carol Rumens at the Guardian’s Poem of the Week]:

      No thanks, she said, I’ve seen your type
      Through bars and throwing poo.