15 Rich-Ass Authors I’ve Suddenly Decided To Like

Posted by @ 3:55 pm on September 9th, 2009

I really enjoyed reading Blake Butler’s list of “15 Towering Literary Figures,” and Christopher Higgs’ list of “15 Significant Contemporary Women Writers.” Both were great, and I disagreed vehemently with those who criticized Blake for not putting more non-Americans on his list, because we all know that Americans are the only people who are any good at anything. Sorry, foreign losers! I also disagreed with whoever called Christopher a self-hating sellout to the gynocracy, whatever that means. Actually, I guess I said that. To myself. Just now.

Anyway, there was one glaring problem with both lists: Very few of the writers mentioned are super fucking rich. So I decided to make a list of 15 authors who I am going to pretend to like from now on, in the hopes they will send me money. I mean, Brian Evenson is a good writer, but is Brian Evenson going to keep you in expensive hookers and 40-year-old Laphroaig? No, Brian Evenson is not. So have fun drinking store-brand sodas with Jorie Graham and Diane Williams, guys! I’ll be in Ibiza, pronouncing “Ibiza” pretentiously, with my 15 new best friends:

Dan Brown

danbrown

John Grisham

johngrisham

Stephen King

stephenking

Jodi Picoult

jodipicoult

Joel Osteen

joelosteen

Dean Koontz

deankoontz

The Left Behind Dudes

leftbehind

Glenn Beck

glennbeck

Danielle Steel

DanielleSteel

The Twilight Lady

stepheniemeyer

I Guess That Madea Guy Probably Wrote A Book, Oh Here It Is

madea

Sue Grafton

suegrafton

The Executor Or Executrix Of Stieg Larsson’s Estate

stieglarsson

I Guess Margaret Atwood Probably Does All Right

atwood

Rachael Ray

rachaelray

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