Web Hype
Ich bin stumm (I’m dumb)
World's heaviest Haut or Not
In +90% of my posts, I do at least some research, usually a simple google, a quick wikipedia read, or even a quicker visit to dictionary dot com. In talking about these authors in this public “Land of ideas” sculpture in Germany, I was set on googling each one — reading up on their bibliography to show how smart I was — but then decided to actually be honest and write this post without doing any research. What’s more important in journalism: the ostensible objective truth about a subject, or the actual truth about one’s subjectivity? I don’t know the answer, I just felt like using the question mark. I also recently learned the keyboard shortcuts for the umlaut, so my fingers are ready. Sigh, what follows is all I know.
[In order of stack]
Grass — This is Gunter Grass, he got the Nobel in the 80’s or 90’s for work about post-war Germany, I think. Something about a dog, like a novel about a dog or with a dog’s name in it. He’s a real serious man. That’s all I know.
Arendt — I keep seeing “Arendt” but don’t know who he/she is. Isn’t there a director with this last name? I’m sorry, Arendt is probably really important and I’m stupid.
Heine — No idea who Heine is; probably the family who owns all the German ketchup.
Luther — Dunno. Keeping thinking “Luther Van Dross” who is that black soul singer who got depressed and fat.
Kant — I know this is Immanuel Kant. He wrote Critique of Pure Reason, which I don’t know anything about, except that it’s really long. Kant has hair like Mozart (they all did back then). And he wore women’s socks with that fluffy stuff.
Seghers — No idea. Pete Segar was in some gay 70’s band I think.
Hegel — Hegel influenced Heidegger, I think. All that German philosophy has to do with thinking, like, not about perception, or morals, or feeling; it was all about thinking in itself. I think this is what “ontological” means, but I’m probably wrong. Damn, that was a horrible way to try to put it. Ignore what I just said. Hegel was overweight, I saw a picture of him once.
Gebrüder Grimm — That’s a stupid name, Jesus. Those Germans are not sexy people.
Marx — or maybe Hegel influenced Marx, or the other way around. Shit. So we all know Karl Marx who wrote Das Kapital (again, I’m not checking up on the facts, God I hope it’s “Das Kapital”), the book that laid down socialism/communism. Marx’s beard was more dense than Tolstoy’s or Whitman’s. He probably had a steady diet of sausage. Unhappy people living in the city tend to read Marx to help them blame America for not being happy. They have no idea “what the fuck” is going on.
Böll — Is this that Heinrich Boll person? Who is he/she? I’m imagining Ayn Rand’s face for some reason, or like a photo from Man Ray. Am I even in the right century?
Schiller — Feel like I should know Schiller. I keep staring at “chill” and feel like he’s probably a relaxed person, like I could split a burrito 50-50 with him and cut 60% for myself and he’d be chill.
Lessing — I didn’t know Doris Lessing was German. Is Doris Lessing that really old woman who looks like she’s from a farm? There’s a bunch of old women writers who look like they churn butter. Not really interested in those people.
Hesse — This is Herman Hesse, I know this. I’ve read Siddhartha and Steppenwolf. He also wrote that masterpiece about a chess board or something, and that book Narcissus & Goldman with a lion on the cover. (I know about Goldman Sachs; it’s a fancy money place. Saks 5th ave is also fancy money. I got 1 sack in my pants which is rumpled like a small brain.) I remember really relating to Steppenwolf, but thinking that Siddhartha was kind of self-involved; I mean, self improvement is kind of selfish, like all those rich yoga ladies.
Fontane — That sounds French. Isn’t John Fontane a writer?
Mann — This is Thomas Mann, who wrote Death in Venice and The Magic Mountain. I remember reading 60 pages into the latter and getting bored. The narrator was climbing the mountain and I wished I was watching the DVD so I could hit the “>>” button at “60X” speed. Mann has large ears, most likely a dick.
Brecht — This is that playwrite right? Oh shit I’m gonna get fucked on this one. I’ve seen “Brecht” a million times and remember looking him/her up and going “aww” (not the senitmental/cute kitten aww, but the minor epiphany aww). Hannah Brecht? I think the first name begins with an H.
Goethe — This is Wolfgang Goethe, who wrote the Sorrows of Young Werther and this gigantic poem about Faust. You’re supposed to pronounce it gert-ay. I used to pronounce it the way it looked, like goath, and someone was mean to me about saying it wrong. Ingres the painter has the hardest name to pronounce; it’s French where every other letter is silent. The ‘i,’ ‘n,’ ‘g,’ ‘r,’ ‘e,’ and ‘s’ are silent in “Ingres” so basically you just open your mouth and make a gagging motion to express that guy’s name.
—
I hope I have not embarrassed myself too much. I am either smarter or dumber than you; and you are either smarter or dumber than someone else. This applies to everyone except for two people: the smartest person in the world, and the dumbest person in the world. To the latter, say ‘hi’ to West Virginia for me. Öüch!
Tags: German literature
This post is fuckin’ hilarious. I grew up in the midwest, where most everyone is of German descent (I’m not!) If not German, Polish (I’m not that, either!) I took German in school from 6th grade all the way through high school. I have a sister who lives in Germany, she was a German major. This post made me feel a little bit smarter than you, but I’m sure I’m actually not smarter than you. Seriously, this was the first thing in a long time to make me last aloud while reading. (Last time was while reading “Shoplifting from American Appare”l.)
It’s GUR-tuh, actually.
This post is fuckin’ hilarious. I grew up in the midwest, where most everyone is of German descent (I’m not!) If not German, Polish (I’m not that, either!) I took German in school from 6th grade all the way through high school. I have a sister who lives in Germany, she was a German major. This post made me feel a little bit smarter than you, but I’m sure I’m actually not smarter than you. Seriously, this was the first thing in a long time to make me last aloud while reading. (Last time was while reading “Shoplifting from American Appare”l.)
It’s GUR-tuh, actually.
brave man, brave…good job, lots of chuckles
brave man, brave…good job, lots of chuckles
I think the obvious thing to do here is to tell Jimmy what’s what so we can feel like big smarty pants, but my plan is to explain nothing. Let him go on wondering!
I think the obvious thing to do here is to tell Jimmy what’s what so we can feel like big smarty pants, but my plan is to explain nothing. Let him go on wondering!
I HATE THIS “GOETHE”!! DAMN, SPELL A NAME PHONETICALLY, WHY DON’T YOU
EVEN GANDALF THE GREY PILGRIM GOT BURNED ON THAT ONE
ARGHH, SO MAD!!!!
I HATE THIS “GOETHE”!! DAMN, SPELL A NAME PHONETICALLY, WHY DON’T YOU
EVEN GANDALF THE GREY PILGRIM GOT BURNED ON THAT ONE
ARGHH, SO MAD!!!!
I can’t type. I’m tired at the end of a long work day. I meant “laugh” aloud, and “Apparel”.
I can’t type. I’m tired at the end of a long work day. I meant “laugh” aloud, and “Apparel”.
I laughed so hard at this, it woke one of my dogs up, and she glared at me. Then I reread the Lessing part and laughed again, and woke her up again, and she got mad and walked into the other room. This post made me gay for you, I think. Genius.
I laughed so hard at this, it woke one of my dogs up, and she glared at me. Then I reread the Lessing part and laughed again, and woke her up again, and she got mad and walked into the other room. This post made me gay for you, I think. Genius.
Hilarious. Finally, someone funny on the Internet. Well, someone else.
Hilarious. Finally, someone funny on the Internet. Well, someone else.
Luther is the dude who started the reformation
Luther is the dude who started the reformation
thanks for reminding me i need to finish the glass bead game, got halfway through and started picking my nose or something. seems like it could end up being a masterpiece; in fact, it better be because i know a whole lot about this person and nothing much has actually happened to him, except that he became the magister ludi because he’s like hitler’s little messiah.
this was post really funny and also thought-provoking, because like, what does it mean that most of us probably haven’t read most of that stack? should we? but there are so many! and so thick! do we just say suck it ‘remembrance of the past’? are spark notes good enough? dammit, jimmy, what do we do?
thanks for reminding me i need to finish the glass bead game, got halfway through and started picking my nose or something. seems like it could end up being a masterpiece; in fact, it better be because i know a whole lot about this person and nothing much has actually happened to him, except that he became the magister ludi because he’s like hitler’s little messiah.
this was post really funny and also thought-provoking, because like, what does it mean that most of us probably haven’t read most of that stack? should we? but there are so many! and so thick! do we just say suck it ‘remembrance of the past’? are spark notes good enough? dammit, jimmy, what do we do?
heidegger owns all
heidegger owns all
I’m no Jimmy, but I’d say (going down the list of names…) that one should read The Tin Drum, The Golden Notebook and Death in Venice. The rest, snore. Oh, and watch “Cabaret” for your “Bertold Brecht hit”.
I’m no Jimmy, but I’d say (going down the list of names…) that one should read The Tin Drum, The Golden Notebook and Death in Venice. The rest, snore. Oh, and watch “Cabaret” for your “Bertold Brecht hit”.
Awesome awesome!
Actually, for me looking from Germany it’s really great post. We need more such posts. Not because everything is correct, but actually because of the perspective across the pond.
P.S. Heine was btw. Heinrich Heine, very nice poet, who is known as author of Loreley poem. But he wrote many funny things, for example because finding himself in Germany beeing Jewish. I mean, he was lucky not to live in the most horrible epoch, but Europe was also to his time not really openhearted.
I love his poem “Donna Clara” about one mysterious dude, who is flirting with a Spanish Donna Clara and vica versa. She seems to like him and has already plans about him and wishes and stuff. She just has one damn issue: she doesn’t like Jews, and everytime, whatever she says, she ends up in nasty xenophobic things about them. Anyway she is like: “I love you, dear Stranger, I swear with my pure blood, unlike that dirty Jewish blood”, and he is like: “Ah, c’mon, let the matter rest, why are you always so hating them?”. And she is like: “I’m real believer, I believe in holy Jesus, who was killed by those cruel Je…” And he is like: “Let’s change the theme, sweety, why always about Jews?”
And at the moment, as she seems to be hyper-happy in her relationship with this mysterious man, she asks him: “Tell me, Stranger, before you leave, tell me your name!”.
And the stranger, cool as he is, kisses Donna Clara and says: “Dear Senora, I’m son of famous Rabbi Israel from Saragossa” And goes.
Awesome awesome!
Actually, for me looking from Germany it’s really great post. We need more such posts. Not because everything is correct, but actually because of the perspective across the pond.
P.S. Heine was btw. Heinrich Heine, very nice poet, who is known as author of Loreley poem. But he wrote many funny things, for example because finding himself in Germany beeing Jewish. I mean, he was lucky not to live in the most horrible epoch, but Europe was also to his time not really openhearted.
I love his poem “Donna Clara” about one mysterious dude, who is flirting with a Spanish Donna Clara and vica versa. She seems to like him and has already plans about him and wishes and stuff. She just has one damn issue: she doesn’t like Jews, and everytime, whatever she says, she ends up in nasty xenophobic things about them. Anyway she is like: “I love you, dear Stranger, I swear with my pure blood, unlike that dirty Jewish blood”, and he is like: “Ah, c’mon, let the matter rest, why are you always so hating them?”. And she is like: “I’m real believer, I believe in holy Jesus, who was killed by those cruel Je…” And he is like: “Let’s change the theme, sweety, why always about Jews?”
And at the moment, as she seems to be hyper-happy in her relationship with this mysterious man, she asks him: “Tell me, Stranger, before you leave, tell me your name!”.
And the stranger, cool as he is, kisses Donna Clara and says: “Dear Senora, I’m son of famous Rabbi Israel from Saragossa” And goes.
Read three books of fiction, watch a Hollywood film and exist on a diet of popcorn and farts.
Read three books of fiction, watch a Hollywood film and exist on a diet of popcorn and farts.
well, i’ve already got my brecht fix via print & i’ve seen the tin drum, so i think i will just read some thomas mann & call it a day. i should say i also like goethe, because he did a version of reynard the fox & i like that because i’m a narcissist.
well, i’ve already got my brecht fix via print & i’ve seen the tin drum, so i think i will just read some thomas mann & call it a day. i should say i also like goethe, because he did a version of reynard the fox & i like that because i’m a narcissist.
Schiller was Goethe’s drinking buddy. Score one in the smartypants column.
Schiller was Goethe’s drinking buddy. Score one in the smartypants column.
“The Tin Drum” movie was good, but DO read the book for the insane mother-eating-eels bit. And do read “Death I Venice” for many, many reasons, including the heartbreaking old-man-wearing-makeup bit.
I’ll check out the Reynard the fox thing.
“The Tin Drum” movie was good, but DO read the book for the insane mother-eating-eels bit. And do read “Death I Venice” for many, many reasons, including the heartbreaking old-man-wearing-makeup bit.
I’ll check out the Reynard the fox thing.
Correction: Read many, many books (and not just fiction), including three German ones. Watch many, many movies, and don’t forget to include Hollywood. A diet of only popcorn is not healthy (I am a poor but well-nourished Bay Area foodie with very little flatulence). And farts, well, sometimes ya gotta let one, but do it in private, or at the very least make sure there is either “only one” or “at least three” people in the room, and be discreet about it and try not to draw attention to yourself.
Although, farts can be funny sometimes…. It’s just that I’m not willing to fart for deliberate comic effect.
Correction: Read many, many books (and not just fiction), including three German ones. Watch many, many movies, and don’t forget to include Hollywood. A diet of only popcorn is not healthy (I am a poor but well-nourished Bay Area foodie with very little flatulence). And farts, well, sometimes ya gotta let one, but do it in private, or at the very least make sure there is either “only one” or “at least three” people in the room, and be discreet about it and try not to draw attention to yourself.
Although, farts can be funny sometimes…. It’s just that I’m not willing to fart for deliberate comic effect.
Myself, I prefer photons and electrons. More “real” than your interest in books.
Myself, I prefer photons and electrons. More “real” than your interest in books.
[…] von Jimmy Chen, der einnehmend ehrlich alles offenlegt — ohne vorher zu googeln! –: Ich bin stumm (I’m dumb). Das gibt einem das Gefühl, sich gut auszukennen, hilft also gegen die […]
Ha! Great post! You made my day by making me feel super smart. I won’t point out what is wrong here (basically everything) and just congratulate you for your honesty.
…
…
No, I can’t. I am a snobby idiot, a social suicide bomber with a severe lack of self restraint and plenty of smartassiness, so I will list the errors quickly. (Also without looking it up. Promise!)
1. Günter Grass: Spelling no ‘th’ but a fancy umlaut; Year: almost, it was in the nineties and the book was the tin drum, not dogyears.
2. Hannah Arendt: Jewish philosopher, German born, emigrated to New York in the thirties, wrote about totalitarianism and the human condition.
3. Heinrich Heine: Poet, cf. Merzmensch’s entry.
4. Martin Luther: Man, you know!
5. Kant: Didn’t wear those socks (that was Leibniz).
6. Anna Seghers: Granted, not too well known. Wrote The Seventh Cross about an escape from a concentration camp.
7. Hegel: Not fat. Actually quite skinny.
8. Gebrüder Grimm: Better known as Brothers Grimm (remember the movie?). Jakob and Wilhelm. Linguists, philologists, folk tale collectors.
9. Marx: Nothing to complain about.
10. Heinrich Böll: Boring post-war writer (yes, 20th century). Overrated. Not worth the time.
11. Friedrich Schiller: Poet (18th century). Cf. Jason’s entry.
12. Gotthold Emphraim Lessing: Important playwright of the enlightenment (18th century). Powerful stuff. Yet a bit stuffy today.
13. Hesse: The chess board story is by Stefan Zweig, completely different guy.
14. Theodor Fontane: Not French but German. Something like the German Henry James.
15. Mann: There is not just Thomas but also Heinrich and Klaus. I don’t know whether Thomas was a dick but the association is not so wrong; he was a suppressed homosexual.
16. Bertolt Brecht: Commie writer, poet and playwright. Actually very entertaining. Didn’t write Cabaret, though. That was Christopher Isherwood.
17. Johan Wolfgang von Goethe: Basically correct. Yet a basic idea about the pronunciation of foreign languages is of use from time to time.
Forgive me, I have sinned.
http://xkcd.com/386/
Ha! Great post! You made my day by making me feel super smart. I won’t point out what is wrong here (basically everything) and just congratulate you for your honesty.
…
…
No, I can’t. I am a snobby idiot, a social suicide bomber with a severe lack of self restraint and plenty of smartassiness, so I will list the errors quickly. (Also without looking it up. Promise!)
1. Günter Grass: Spelling no ‘th’ but a fancy umlaut; Year: almost, it was in the nineties and the book was the tin drum, not dogyears.
2. Hannah Arendt: Jewish philosopher, German born, emigrated to New York in the thirties, wrote about totalitarianism and the human condition.
3. Heinrich Heine: Poet, cf. Merzmensch’s entry.
4. Martin Luther: Man, you know!
5. Kant: Didn’t wear those socks (that was Leibniz).
6. Anna Seghers: Granted, not too well known. Wrote The Seventh Cross about an escape from a concentration camp.
7. Hegel: Not fat. Actually quite skinny.
8. Gebrüder Grimm: Better known as Brothers Grimm (remember the movie?). Jakob and Wilhelm. Linguists, philologists, folk tale collectors.
9. Marx: Nothing to complain about.
10. Heinrich Böll: Boring post-war writer (yes, 20th century). Overrated. Not worth the time.
11. Friedrich Schiller: Poet (18th century). Cf. Jason’s entry.
12. Gotthold Emphraim Lessing: Important playwright of the enlightenment (18th century). Powerful stuff. Yet a bit stuffy today.
13. Hesse: The chess board story is by Stefan Zweig, completely different guy.
14. Theodor Fontane: Not French but German. Something like the German Henry James.
15. Mann: There is not just Thomas but also Heinrich and Klaus. I don’t know whether Thomas was a dick but the association is not so wrong; he was a suppressed homosexual.
16. Bertolt Brecht: Commie writer, poet and playwright. Actually very entertaining. Didn’t write Cabaret, though. That was Christopher Isherwood.
17. Johan Wolfgang von Goethe: Basically correct. Yet a basic idea about the pronunciation of foreign languages is of use from time to time.
Forgive me, I have sinned.
http://xkcd.com/386/