April 22nd, 2010 / 2:21 pm
Web Hype

Op Ed on Eds

I get confused by all the kinds of editors there are. It seems that journals that take themselves really seriously tend to have a bunch of editors. I don’t know that much about publishing, so maybe there’s a guideline, but to me it just seems like a bunch of people calling one another fancy names. What follows is my guess about what these types of editors do.

Editor – this guy (sorry, I imagine a dude) doesn’t read submissions; he might not even read the journal when it comes out. He just calls his friends on the phone to solicit their writing. He likes to say “I split my time between New York and [some other city].” This guy is famous and he rocks.

Executive Editor – this guy is old, and went to Princeton in the 50s. He doesn’t have an email account; doesn’t even know what twitter is. He just goes to the bank and transfers money and writes checks. He lives by a lake, but cannot swim.

Senior Editor – this guy is not necessarily old, but has been around at the journal the longest, so it’s like an honorary or sympathetic title which means “guy who couldn’t get another job.”

Editor at large – (Sorry again, I keep on imagining men.) This guy is “at large,” the way criminals are “at large,” like he’s on the streets with his blackberry or iPhone rejecting people and having lunch with the graphic designer (somebody with a drug problem and dyed hair). This guy basically does everything and wants to kill the editor.

Editor in chief – this guy does exactly what the Editor at large does, except he’s got an inferiority complex and wants to be called “Chief.” (Either that or he’s Native American.) When he’s making love he wants to be called “Horse.” He’s obsessed with semantics, forces people to bold his name in every issue.

Managing Editor – this is more of an administrative role; he is in charge of ordering bathroom supplies and toner. He’s also the one who has to store the boxes full of unsold copies in his living room. He has a two cats and no girlfriend. He is so broke he makes tea with toothpaste. He is a prime suicide candidate.

Deputy Editor – this guy has a gun and taser collection. He lives in Alabama.

Associate Editor(s) – “Associate” is a euphemism for “haha, these people have to read all the submissions, and they don’t get paid.” Associate editors are recently graduated from writing programs and enthusiastic about the publishing world; they go to open mics and readings, where they all get drunk and sleep with one another. The ratio of M:F for Associate Editors is 44:55 (1 person is a hermaphrodite).

Assistant Editor – this person is not even an editor, just some uncreative person with an English degree who’s in charge of adding or removing commas. They also have to replace curly quotes with straight quotes, and remembering where all the italics were when somebody loses the HTML. This person wears glasses, and was not loved as a child.

Contributing Editor – this person either has a lot of opinions for Op Eds, or can’t get published anywhere else, so he publishes in the same journal he edits at. The euphemism for this is contribute. This person may be a sex addict.

Founding Editor – this person doesn’t do anything except take the credit for starting the journal. He is likely to mention the journal to dismissive family members who believe he has wasted his life.

Poetry Editor — Finally, a woman.

I probably got a lot wrong, sorry. I just think people need to chill out. People are people, words are words. A good story is a beautiful thing, a bad one might get a Pushcart. The only rule for taste is chew with your mouth closed. People get by by barely getting by. Who needs perfection when it’s perfect bound?

47 Comments

  1. Rebekah

      I store the boxes full of usold copies of Artifice in my living room.

  2. Rebekah

      I store the boxes full of usold copies of Artifice in my living room.

  3. Rebekah

      I live by a lake.

  4. Rebekah

      I live by a lake.

  5. Tadd

      I recently made the switch from “Editor in Chief” to “Editor” when my grandmother told me she’d made up that bit about me being one-sixteenth Cherokee.

  6. Tadd

      I recently made the switch from “Editor in Chief” to “Editor” when my grandmother told me she’d made up that bit about me being one-sixteenth Cherokee.

  7. Tim Jones-Yelvington

      You are the first person I thought about when I saw that. Do you order toilet paper for Tadd’s apartment.

  8. Tim Jones-Yelvington

      You are the first person I thought about when I saw that. Do you order toilet paper for Tadd’s apartment.

  9. Tim Jones-Yelvington

      lies.

  10. Tim Jones-Yelvington

      lies.

  11. MoGa

      I wear glasses and was not loved as a child.

  12. MoGa

      I wear glasses and was not loved as a child.

  13. ce.

      Actually, I heard once that chewing with your mouth open enhances taste/flavors–the oxygen in the additional air flow acting as a flavor transfer, similar to how fats work.

      The more you know.

  14. ce.

      Actually, I heard once that chewing with your mouth open enhances taste/flavors–the oxygen in the additional air flow acting as a flavor transfer, similar to how fats work.

      The more you know.

  15. Tim

      I’d say this is pretty accurate.

  16. Tim

      I’d say this is pretty accurate.

  17. Tadd

      I feel like that question actually makes me come off worse than her.

  18. Tadd

      I feel like that question actually makes me come off worse than her.

  19. Alban Fischer

      I chew each and every submission with my mouth open. It does enhance the flavor, I must say.

  20. Alban Fischer

      I chew each and every submission with my mouth open. It does enhance the flavor, I must say.

  21. ryanchang

      ‘probably a woman.’ why do poetry AND women get the shit end of the stick?

  22. ryanchang

      ‘probably a woman.’ why do poetry AND women get the shit end of the stick?

  23. anon

      I don’t really know anything about editors and I found this funny. Success?

  24. anon

      I don’t really know anything about editors and I found this funny. Success?

  25. Jak Cardini

      Jimmy. That was funny.

  26. Jak Cardini

      Jimmy. That was funny.

  27. zusya

      w(h)o(a-)man, you forgot:

      Intern Editor — within the first few weeks of taking the job, this young whippersnapper quickly assumes a busy-as-a-beaver mantle while aiming to please as many people as possible at every opportunity, and knowingly takes on more work than he/she knows he/she can actually comfortably handle on any given day. One month later, the intern’s economic reality hits hard, punching a sizable hole in the dream that led this now-no-longer-daily-smiling intern to seek out and take the “job” in the first place, causing a whole metric ton of initiative to be redirected towards daily finding distractions online rather than playing nice with all the rejection slips he/she has since been exclusively stuck with doing. One more month later — following countless “ha ha intern” jokes thrown at you by the aforementioned titled editors — you’re beginning to consider yourself an alien in the rough, having long shed any semblance of the prized “diamond” status you had convinced yourself that you had deserved. You begin to realize how unqualified-for-the-job all the people are around you. Nobody acknowledges you anymore. Another month later and you realize you’re doing the job of a “soft AI” machine. Nearly a year later and your contract is just about run up, and you’re getting excited about work for the first time since you walking through those doors on the first day, and you’re wondering how hard your superiors will sell you an elevated position to stay on with the team, because you’re such an important part of the way things work around here. That doesn’t happen. Your boss doesn’t remember your name when you try to imply that you would “stay on” for an actual title and actual salary. And that’s just about it. You walk out of your boss’ office, head hung low, dragging your feet along the beeline that runs from here to the exit. And everyone stands to laugh and point and you take your run through the professional gauntlet. “Goodbye intern!” they bellow. “It was so nice knowing you! Ha ha!” And that is all you will remember of this place. The laughter. The laughter pointed at you. Your walk out takes close to the length of a pop song.

  28. zusya

      argh, mucked up the bold tag… mods.. help! sos! lol! (note: im drowning in a sea of self-awareness)

  29. zusya

      i also see i left several glaring typos in there… anyone got an intern to spare?

  30. zusya

      i feel like i’ve been killing a lot of threads lately… and i do feel guilty as a result. could be the wine talking.

  31. T-Wrecks

      Judging from the times you posted, Zusya, could be the hour talking.

  32. T-Wrecks

      Judging from the times you posted, Zusya, could be the hour talking.

  33. zusya

      the world is indeed a round place. 9:37am here.

  34. anon

      that timecube website is great

  35. anon

      that timecube website is great

  36. vitamingc

      I have a gun and taser collection. I split my time between New York and [some other city or Alabama].

      As should be obvious to all, I chew with my mouth wide open.

  37. vitamingc

      I have a gun and taser collection. I split my time between New York and [some other city or Alabama].

      As should be obvious to all, I chew with my mouth wide open.

  38. Alicia

      You are wrong about one thing – they are all womens… except by the poetry

  39. Alicia

      You are wrong about one thing – they are all womens… except by the poetry

  40. Online Book Store and News - In the News: The Vanilla Ice of the Novel, Sidewalk Reading

      […] What editors really do. […]

  41. Bookninja » Blog Archive » Editors explained

      […] Giant has a great, funny piece explaining all those, occasionally confusing, editor titles you see on the masthead of your magazines. Very well done and a good laugh. Editor – this guy […]

  42. Missy

      Haha so funny!! You mean replace straight quotes with curly quotes ;) Funny read!

  43. Missy

      Haha so funny!! You mean replace straight quotes with curly quotes ;) Funny read!

  44. Laston Lastof
  45. Laston Lastof
  46. Octothorpe

      Uncanny. Although you left out the editor who does all the real work – the sub-editor. But that’s only right – subs are always forgotten … until they let a mistake through. Then they’re to blame for everything.

  47. Octothorpe

      Uncanny. Although you left out the editor who does all the real work – the sub-editor. But that’s only right – subs are always forgotten … until they let a mistake through. Then they’re to blame for everything.