November 20th, 2009 / 3:12 am
Web Hype

Sommelier Says: Reynard Seifert

Sommelier.jpgIn a recent tussle betwixt Jereme Dean, in which Reynard passive aggressively “bracket-belches” (i.e. [belch]) in response to the prospects of the former commenting more, Jereme, in his response to that, unfortunately misuses the apostrophe in “belch’s,” leading Reynard to say:

& an apostrophe does not denote the plural

Sommelier Says: It’s wonderful how the ampersand resembles, and operates as, the treble clef — cuing the melodic brassy notes to come. (One imagines a rusty trombone.) Seifert’s eloquent bouquet of alliterated “o”s in “does not denote” opens an olfactory opulence for, oh, I don’t know. The quick jab at someone’s grammar to demonstrate one’s superior education and/or anal retentiveness has prominent notes of douchebag and raspberry. Such syntactical severity gets better with age, so just keep him in a dark cellar for five years, and those who believe “nutty flavors” involve teabags will wish to try it out on Mr. Seifert the next time he opens his mouth.

20 Comments

  1. Josh

      masturbatory

  2. Josh

      masturbatory

  3. Erik Stinson

      yup

  4. Erik Stinson

      yup

  5. CATHARTICA

      OMG, speaking of masturbatory…

      A couple years ago, before I got heavily into porn, I was really good at masturbating. Like REALLY good. I was so focused, so efficient. My brain-sex was always perfect and without interruption. To reference Britney’s 2003 album, I was IN THE ZONE. But ever since experiencing porno-enlightenment, my jerk-off skills have consistently dwindled. It sucks. I can’t fixate on a fantasy. My thoughts wander, jerk and misshape, as if edited with an ax. It’s as if the immediate and hyper-easy nature of porn has contaminated the sexy party of my imagination, and now my brain has forgotten how to do any work for itself. Ugh…

  6. CATHARTICA

      OMG, speaking of masturbatory…

      A couple years ago, before I got heavily into porn, I was really good at masturbating. Like REALLY good. I was so focused, so efficient. My brain-sex was always perfect and without interruption. To reference Britney’s 2003 album, I was IN THE ZONE. But ever since experiencing porno-enlightenment, my jerk-off skills have consistently dwindled. It sucks. I can’t fixate on a fantasy. My thoughts wander, jerk and misshape, as if edited with an ax. It’s as if the immediate and hyper-easy nature of porn has contaminated the sexy party of my imagination, and now my brain has forgotten how to do any work for itself. Ugh…

  7. keith n b

      i’m confused. what’s masturbatory? the conversation referenced by the post or the post itself?

      i would agree that the post was masturbatory, but only in the sense that guttural indeterminate noises came from my throat while i was reading it and yet, to my delight, there was no mess to clean up after i finished. nice.

  8. keith n b

      i’m confused. what’s masturbatory? the conversation referenced by the post or the post itself?

      i would agree that the post was masturbatory, but only in the sense that guttural indeterminate noises came from my throat while i was reading it and yet, to my delight, there was no mess to clean up after i finished. nice.

  9. davidpeak

      i didn’t really like these posts until just now.

  10. davidpeak

      i didn’t really like these posts until just now.

  11. Jonny Ross

      ‘damn’

  12. Jonny Ross

      ‘damn’

  13. john sakkis

      hi cathartica,

      your blog is pretty great.

      xo

  14. john sakkis

      hi cathartica,

      your blog is pretty great.

      xo

  15. Janey Smith

      Actually, your response would have been really provocative had you left the “thoughts” out of it and just masturbated a lot. I know you can do it. Even without porn, whatever that is?

  16. Janey Smith

      Actually, your response would have been really provocative had you left the “thoughts” out of it and just masturbated a lot. I know you can do it. Even without porn, whatever that is?

  17. reynard

      tl;dr

      (.)(.)

      (@)(@)

      (*)(*)

  18. reynard

      tl;dr

      (.)(.)

      (@)(@)

      (*)(*)

  19. dave erlewine

      comedy gold, jerry.

      have any ovaltine jokes?

  20. dave erlewine

      comedy gold, jerry.

      have any ovaltine jokes?