janey smith (blog here) answered some interview questions for me. she will be in the upcoming issue of OCHO, which will be guest edited by a certain black-nippled dude named Blake Butler. (interview after break, we talk about legos and shit).
1. describe a game you made up as a child.
Sock tag. I’d roll up my dirty socks into a ball and throw them at my older brother and if I’d hit him, he’d have to try to hit me back. We’d play sock tag sometimes in the summer when our parents were at work.
Then, when he’d have his friends spend the night, we’d sometimes all play sock tag TOGETHER. One time, his friend Ron cornered me and made me put the ball of socks in my mouth. Sometimes, I miss Ron.
2. were you a bigger fan of pirate legos or like the robin hood wooded medieval type.
I like PIRATES because I like anal sex and because I like the sea. I like ROBIN HOOD because he stole from the rich and gave to the poor. As a kid, I liked anything I could stick in my pussy. My brother’s BATTLE BEASTS were my favorite. I liked the POWERHOUSE MOUSE the best.
3. what is the mood in which you generally write. and does it involve putting a blanket over your entire body including your computer?
When I write I am anxious and depressed. For me, writing involves surrounding myself with my STUFFED ANIMALS. And staring into space a lot.
4. what is an uncommon body part or mannerism that you find attractive in a man or woman.
I dated this girl, who was an amputee, and she used to draw a HAPPY FACE on her stump. And I would kiss the happy face. I like guys with lots of zits. And it’s okay if they are fat as long as they are SMART. That is, as long as they carry a lot of condoms with them.
5. please write a sentence that someone will say a thousand years from now about janey smith.
She’s the one who kissed DONALD EDWARDS in seventh grade.
6. do you ever apologize for accidentally touching someone, like if your arm accidentally brushes up against someone else’s arm or if you accidentally run your fingers through his/her hair.
I like it when BLACK BOYS brush up against me on MUNI. I like it when my thigh touches the thigh of the guy sitting next to me on the bus. I like it when older guys give me something—like a book—and they drag their finger across my hand when I take what they are giving to me. I want to live in a world where I can scratch people’s scalps and pick people’s zits. Unapologetically. On the bus.
7. what is a good question to ask in the board game GUESS WHO in order to eliminate many of the opponent’s options.
8. if you were going to hide in a clothing rack or shelf of any store for the rest of your life, what store would it be and why
KMART. I’m a realist.
9. do you want to play rollerhockey with me.
Only if you know how to puck.
10. what are your goals as a writer
I want to have sex with everyone.
11. what kind of projects have you completed/are you completing
I am writing a bunch of stories about a baby robot (I AM BABY ROBOT) that works at McDonald’s who commits all these sex-murders and I am writing a pornographic novella about a bunny and a girl (SOMETIMES MY HARD-ON PUSHES THROUGH MY PANTS). Parts of both of these things will be published in an upcoming issue of OCHO because BLAKE BUTLER happens to think they are ‘funny’.
My friend STEVEN TRULL and I have almost finished this book we are doing together called STARE. It’s about these kids that just do nothing all the time. Or they don’t know what they’re doing so they are like “what?” all the time. So, like, nothing happens in the book all the time.
And my other friend ASSELA and I are writing this short thing called KATE MOSS IS DEAD because ASSELA is Mexican and she really likes DAY OF THE DEAD and she is into all this fashion stuff but she doesn’t really like to write that much by herself. So I told her since she wrote some of it already “let’s do some more” and she said “okay” so we are doing that. That’s all for now.
12. do you think that 9/11 happened
I like art. Art is nice.
13. what is your writing about, about meaning anything you want
I like writing about sex and I like writing about murder a lot. But, I also like writing about boredom and doing nothing and staring into space and waiting in line and other things that people do that they don’t always really think about doing. I mean, because that’s what I do too, sometimes. So, I guess my writing is about nothing, really. Except I really like writing about sex and murder. A lot.
14. if someone were either about to smash your knuckles with a cinderblock or throw you out a window, which would you prefer and why.
Defenestration is sexy. See my response to the 9/11 question.