MEN: AN INTERVIEW WITH THE WRITERS OF “MEN”
it’s what we all look for on the internet: MEN. every day, i open the internet browser and search for men. i don’t always like what i find, but i did like this. it’s a new chapbook from those boys from manchester, socrates adams florou, crispin best and spiros florou. here is the first paragraph, with an interview after the break:
I want to scare children all the time.
When I walk past a school, I press my
face through the railings and stand there,
looking at the children. I wait for them to
be afraid. The children are in their school’s
playground. They feel safe. They are
having fun. I press my face through and
stand there and look at the children.
most of the chapbook is like that. socrates and crispin write a delightful blend of absurdity, psychosis and humor, reminiscent of old Mr. Show. also, the chapbook features many pictures of men. here is an interview. i laughed a lot when i read the answers. manchester motherfuckers! manchester!
1 crispin, socrates and spiros, give us a paragraph long autobiography for each of you, but you can’t write your own.
my name is socrates. i am a child preacher. i am a precocious talent. last year, i converted 300 of my schoolmates to the Way of the Lord. i am good also at basketball. sometimes i look at buildings and think ‘what are buildings?’ and then i go up to my bedroom and close the door and play the skydiver game on my mobile telephone and then sleep.
my name is spiros. i am the fastest runner in the world. i run and i run all day long until i get to a wall that i can’t jump over. then i put on my boxing gloves and batter the wall to the ground. i stand on top of the rubble and think to myself ‘what a weak wall’. then i run off into the distance.
2 give us each a one line definition of what it means to be a man.
being a man is: whichever way you pull the first bit of toilet paper is always the right way.
being a man is knowing your limits, then exceeding them.
3 what is your preferred program for drawing the pictures.
the scarsdale medical diet.
4 how many times a day do each of you think, “think about something different this is painful”
today on the train this girl and this guy were looking at each other and rolling their tongues and laughing and mine was lonely so it copied them, and i thought “think about something different this is painful”.
every day three times a day per day
5 describe your feelings when you are in a supermarket/grocery store/park
‘wow – this is a great idea: a supermarket in a park. why didn’t anybody think of this before? there are far less fluorescent bulbs to crush my spirit and make me garish. i feel optimistic about the exciting produce i am about to buy!’
‘oh – maybe they have to have a man with a wellington-boot-on-a-stick or a shotgun to keep the sparrows away from the bread aisle, though.’
‘this place makes me feel so many feelings’
the first thing i think is ‘why is it so cold in here?’. after i have gotten out of the freezer i look at the produce and think ‘what fresh produce, i wonder what i will choose.’ after i have made my choice i feel content.
6 you have the designs to build a fruit-cannon. which fruit do you use and why?
kiwi fruit. a millisecond of tickle, a lifetime of facepain.
pineapple. reason: it will kill you
7 if there are some women reading this interview, who are interested in becoming men, what would you suggest doing?
drink darker-coloured beer. idolise morons from sports. comb your hair a whole bunch, all the time. show people you are tough by using your body to hurt theirs. go fishing.
don’t bother trying. go back to the kitchen. i hate you.