April 20th, 2009 / 8:52 pm
Behind the Scenes

Please help me destroy $75

shopping-at-target

I have a $75 gift certificate to Target that I got as a suprise bonus gift for judging some middle schoolers’ creative writing. It was mostly all entires about Michael Phelps, 9-11, and Barack Obama, but there were some nice surprises, like the one about the dude made out of hashbrowns. One kid had written a rap about candy and money and girls; I gave him second place in his grade. Two of my picks won state also, I am wondering if he was one of them? And will soon have a record coming out about candy and money and girls? Anyway, now I have no idea what to buy and it is burning my hand to hold. Their website actually has a pretty great selection of books, and plus all that other booshit that I never think about looking at. Any suggestions on how to spend this playa bankroll?

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84 Comments

  1. Ken Baumann—
  2. jereme—

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      awww yeah baby let’s get nasty

  3. Ken Baumann—
  4. jereme—

      1

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      3

      4

      5

      awww yeah baby let’s get nasty

  5. Nathan (Nate) Tyree—

      I think Target books are actually provided by amazon, so they have everything. Buy a copy of Crash by Ballard or Reasons to Live by Hempel, or Will You Please be Quiet Please by Carver or The National Virginity Pledge (or buy one of my books – I’m a whore, I know). Just dump it on books. Or, get three DVD copies of Zombie Strippers. Either way.

  6. Nathan (Nate) Tyree—

      I think Target books are actually provided by amazon, so they have everything. Buy a copy of Crash by Ballard or Reasons to Live by Hempel, or Will You Please be Quiet Please by Carver or The National Virginity Pledge (or buy one of my books – I’m a whore, I know). Just dump it on books. Or, get three DVD copies of Zombie Strippers. Either way.

  7. DaveM—

      This is probably not the sort of thing you want to hear, but if you have any engaged friends, or people you know who will be getting married in the next year or so, it is a very good chance (if you run around with the sort of mid-grade types I do) that one or more of them will be registered at Target.

      A $75 gift card would go a long way in a gift registry. If nothing personal for you stands out, this is the way to go.

  8. DaveM—

      This is probably not the sort of thing you want to hear, but if you have any engaged friends, or people you know who will be getting married in the next year or so, it is a very good chance (if you run around with the sort of mid-grade types I do) that one or more of them will be registered at Target.

      A $75 gift card would go a long way in a gift registry. If nothing personal for you stands out, this is the way to go.

  9. Blake Butler—

      i have all those books.

      i hate zombie movies.

  10. Blake Butler—

      i have all those books.

      i hate zombie movies.

  11. Blake Butler—

      ah yes ah yes, my friend is getting married in 3 weeks.

      brain storm still on

  12. Blake Butler—

      ah yes ah yes, my friend is getting married in 3 weeks.

      brain storm still on

  13. jereme—

      buy pokemon cards and see if you win big.

      some of those things go for major $$$

      just as viable as the stock market these days

  14. pr—

      they make great sports bras!

  15. jereme—

      buy pokemon cards and see if you win big.

      some of those things go for major $$$

      just as viable as the stock market these days

  16. Molly Gaudry—

      pr, that is the first time I’ve laughed in a long time. Thank you.

  17. Molly Gaudry—

      pr, that is the first time I’ve laughed in a long time. Thank you.

  18. jereme—

      how come my reply isn’t moderated but my original comment is?

  19. Molly Gaudry—

      Blake: candy aisle?

  20. Blake Butler—

      really? i need to look into this

  21. Blake Butler—

      ooh, now we’re talkin

  22. jereme—

      how come my reply isn’t moderated but my original comment is?

  23. Molly Gaudry—

      Blake: candy aisle?

  24. Blake Butler—

      really? i need to look into this

  25. Blake Butler—

      ooh, now we’re talkin

  26. jereme—

      anyways just buy some best of zamfir cd’s and call it an evening.

      the world seems less meaningful after you hear the great zamfir.

  27. jereme—

      anyways just buy some best of zamfir cd’s and call it an evening.

      the world seems less meaningful after you hear the great zamfir.

  28. Nathan (Nate) Tyree—

      Yeah, but Zombie strippers is based on Rhinoceros by Ionesco.

  29. Nathan (Nate) Tyree—

      Yeah, but Zombie strippers is based on Rhinoceros by Ionesco.

  30. Nathan (Nate) Tyree—

      fuck. I wish I’d thought of that.

  31. Blake Butler—

      haha, well played sir

  32. Nathan (Nate) Tyree—

      fuck. I wish I’d thought of that.

  33. Blake Butler—

      haha, well played sir

  34. Matthew Simmons—

      Packets and packets and packets of Big League Chew.

      You should spend it all on stuff next to the register. Walk up with a pair of sweatpants, and start pulling things off the counters. Let the cashier ring them up first. Keep pulling things. When you get to $75, say, “You know what? Fuck the sweatpants.”

  35. Matthew Simmons—

      Packets and packets and packets of Big League Chew.

      You should spend it all on stuff next to the register. Walk up with a pair of sweatpants, and start pulling things off the counters. Let the cashier ring them up first. Keep pulling things. When you get to $75, say, “You know what? Fuck the sweatpants.”

  36. Ken Baumann—

      I second this.

  37. Ken Baumann—

      I second this.

  38. pr—
  39. chris—

      voucher = money = candy + bitches

  40. chris—

      voucher = money = candy + bitches

  41. Blake Butler—

      i will chew your knee

  42. Blake Butler—

      i will chew your knee

  43. Rachel—

      I’d go with the blonde one in the middle.

  44. Rachel—

      I’d go with the blonde one in the middle.

  45. blake—

      if you put links in a comment it will get put on hold in the system until someone OKs

  46. blake—

      if you put links in a comment it will get put on hold in the system until someone OKs

  47. Shya—

      Again with the you’re my favorite, Matthew.

  48. Shya—

      Again with the you’re my favorite, Matthew.

  49. Alex—

      mother-fucking SLURPEES!!

  50. Alex—

      mother-fucking SLURPEES!!

  51. Mike—

      They have everything – food, kinda okay clothing, toiletries. Fuck, I’ve been poor too long, I can’t even muster a joke answer.

  52. Mike—

      They have everything – food, kinda okay clothing, toiletries. Fuck, I’ve been poor too long, I can’t even muster a joke answer.

  53. Tim Jones-Yelvington—

      I want to read a story about a Michael Phelps made of hash browns. And then when he gets stoned and hungry, he eats himself.

  54. Tim Jones-Yelvington—

      I want to read a story about a Michael Phelps made of hash browns. And then when he gets stoned and hungry, he eats himself.

  55. peter—
  56. peter—
  57. Ken Baumann—

      Again: I’m not playing favorites, but if I was playing favorites, Matthew would be my favorite.

  58. sam pink—

      buy a bunch of “super rope” and share it with me.

  59. sam pink—

      (super rope is red licorice for all yall that don’t know)

  60. Ken Baumann—

      Again: I’m not playing favorites, but if I was playing favorites, Matthew would be my favorite.

  61. sam pink—

      buy a bunch of “super rope” and share it with me.

  62. sam pink—

      (super rope is red licorice for all yall that don’t know)

  63. Ken Baumann—

      Another winner.

  64. Ken Baumann—

      Another winner.

  65. david erlewine—

      i’m saddened that no one has suggested donating it to charity? someone must have. i’m going to read the comments again.

      i gave cash to a homeless woman this morning on the way to work. she thanked me and then called me a fucking son of a bitch. i don’t think she’d heard of a charlie chaplin.

  66. david erlewine—

      i’m saddened that no one has suggested donating it to charity? someone must have. i’m going to read the comments again.

      i gave cash to a homeless woman this morning on the way to work. she thanked me and then called me a fucking son of a bitch. i don’t think she’d heard of a charlie chaplin.

  67. david erlewine—

      blake, i know a great program that involves reading to the blind. i’m happy to facilitate your money reaching them. just let me know and i can be the conduit so the money gets there in one piece.

  68. david erlewine—

      blake, i know a great program that involves reading to the blind. i’m happy to facilitate your money reaching them. just let me know and i can be the conduit so the money gets there in one piece.

  69. David Erlewine—

      it turns out a charley chaplin is something else. i thought it meant giving a homeless woman two quarters when she wanted bills.

  70. David Erlewine—

      it turns out a charley chaplin is something else. i thought it meant giving a homeless woman two quarters when she wanted bills.

  71. jereme—

      what fucking anarchist bastard doesn’t know what super rope is?

  72. jereme—

      what fucking anarchist bastard doesn’t know what super rope is?

  73. KevinS—

      Buy a nice tie, you slob.

  74. KevinS—

      Buy a nice tie, you slob.

  75. Steven Trull—

      Blake? You can buy a bunch of Gilligan & O’Malley cotton panties and sell them on your blog as some girl’s ‘used panties’ and make a bunch of money. But, you have to make the panties appear ‘used’.

  76. Steven Trull—

      Blake? You can buy a bunch of Gilligan & O’Malley cotton panties and sell them on your blog as some girl’s ‘used panties’ and make a bunch of money. But, you have to make the panties appear ‘used’.

  77. Janey Smith—

      I can give you a pair of my ‘period panties’ if you want to get started, Blake.

  78. Janey Smith—

      I can give you a pair of my ‘period panties’ if you want to get started, Blake.

  79. Blake Butler—

      if i do everything on this list, which would put my overbudget but still, i would be quite a quite a man.

      thanx peoples

  80. Blake Butler—

      if i do everything on this list, which would put my overbudget but still, i would be quite a quite a man.

      thanx peoples

  81. PHM—

      I’d just go to Target and get a $50 and a $25 iTunes gift card with it.

      Or lots of hygiene items.

  82. PHM—

      I’d just go to Target and get a $50 and a $25 iTunes gift card with it.

      Or lots of hygiene items.

  83. PHM—

      I’m laughing pretty hard at this and wondering if Janey Smith is beautiful.

  84. PHM—

      I’m laughing pretty hard at this and wondering if Janey Smith is beautiful.