December 2nd, 2011 / 12:02 pm
 Contests

ToBS R1: “everybody has a story” vs. “show don’t tell”

[Matchup #9 in Tournament of Bookshit]

“Everybody has a story”

But I don’t like the story of a woman unsatisfied with her marriage, her greying hair still shoulder length from the 60s, taking a creative writing class at the community college, getting all nervous in her Hyundai parked outside under a leafless tree, going over in pen, again, the final revisions of her 3000-word story: the one about a woman her age, of average median household income, whose husband is also a strong but silent type reoccurring satellite figure in her empty life; who, like the amateur in jean overalls now crying in her Korean-made car, also drinks gin in her pajamas at night while playing solitaire, in an unnamed though evocatively New England-y town, whose racial demographic is similar to hers, except in the story the friendly mail man who dies of cancer because something needs to fucking happen is African-American, which her instructor (a man with both a novel and pony-tail “out”) told her she should include before she submits it to Glimmer Train, because those ladies are into black guys probably.

vs.

“Show don’t tell”

The undeclared student who took Creative Writing as an elective sensed some Jägermeister in the freezer, and quietly walked over to it. As the dense mist cleared, he saw the dark green bottle, and smiled. “I am a douchebag,” he thought. He felt a wavy sensation at his shins, his girlfriend’s cat. He leaned down and pet the cat, going over its back three times. He walked over to his laptop and opened a document titled “what we talk abt when we talk abt absolutely nothing.doc,” which was due in class after he had his pop tarts. They smelled like cherry and sugar getting warm in the toaster. He felt the smoldering wisps of pop tart entering his mildly flaring nostrils. “What the fuck are doing here?” his girlfriend asked, carrying a bag of cat litter. “Do you want me to help you with that?” he asked. “Did you not get the restraining order?” she said, tears as translucent mice tails running down her cheeks. As the house burned down, the undeclared student who took Creative Writing as an elective decided that he would major in Economics.

– Jimmy Chen

– – –

WINNER: Jimmy Fallon; Glimmer Train; M. Night Shyamalan’s financial consultant

[ED.: I have chosen to interpret Jimmy’s nonstraightforward answer for WINNER as “everybody has a story”]

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22 Comments

  1. December 2nd, 2011 / 12:06 pm crispin best—

      jimmy aren’t you taking this seriously?

  2. December 2nd, 2011 / 12:25 pm Bobby Dixon—

      I’ve never seen anything more serious than this. 

  3. December 2nd, 2011 / 12:29 pm Lincoln Michel—

      Everybody has a story is the worst. Most people don’t even have a tweet! 

  4. December 2nd, 2011 / 12:36 pm crispin best—

      bobby aren’t you taking this seriously?

  5. December 2nd, 2011 / 12:42 pm alex crowley—

      this is magnificent. winner = Jimmy Chen

  6. December 2nd, 2011 / 12:56 pm Bobby Dixon—

      I am having a heart attack.

  7. December 2nd, 2011 / 1:17 pm lorian long—

       (a man with both a novel and pony-tail “out”) –maybe the best () since (picnic, lightning)

  8. December 2nd, 2011 / 1:29 pm Mr. Ian M. Belcurry—

      the first one seems more real, and sad. the “show” seems pulpy.

      seems like a drummer in a box in an essay by Dennis Cooper via a “what” in rhythm repeating rapper circa 2005 Dave Chapelle parody. “What! What! What! Uh!” I did skeet skeet skeet though. all that matters.

  9. December 2nd, 2011 / 1:39 pm c2k—

      “Morgan Freeman will play the postman in the movie, if my story ever gets optioned,” she tells her husband/satellite, who is at the moment orbiting the television trying in vein to watch the Patriots-Colts Monday night match-up.

  10. December 2nd, 2011 / 1:54 pm Erik Stinson—

      “I am a douchebag”

      vs.

      “i am…. not good”
      a drinking economics game by erik stinson and adam humphreys

  11. December 2nd, 2011 / 2:47 pm ZZZZZIPPP—

      DAMN THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING THAT JIMMY CHEN IS A JUDGE IN THIS CONTEST. HE IS A BLACK HOLE NEBULA COLLAPSING INTO A HUNDRED STARS COLLAPSED INTO A NOVELTY TACO BELL CUP. IT IS TOO LATE TO INVERT ZZZZIPP’S BRACKET ACCORDING TO THIS NEW MATRIX

  12. December 2nd, 2011 / 2:47 pm ZZZZZIPPP—

      (ZZZZZIPP SHOULD HAVE KNOWN)

  13. December 2nd, 2011 / 3:53 pm deadgod—

      The revolving spouse will open a vain with the business end of his coathanger antenna when he discovers that it’s the Bargers-Gags this week and that he missed every glorious play of that crucial Dolts-Patsies battle royale.

  14. December 2nd, 2011 / 4:07 pm Trey—

      I like Jimmy Fallon pretty well

  15. December 2nd, 2011 / 4:09 pm Jason Jimenez—

      I’m done. Picked show don’t tell for the winner. 

  16. December 2nd, 2011 / 4:28 pm Leapsloth14—

      He’s a sprightly fellow

  17. December 2nd, 2011 / 6:00 pm Mr. Ian M. Belcurry—

      he’s taking it srsly, not seriously

  18. December 3rd, 2011 / 12:09 am c2k—

      “Ah, I see which way the weathervayne points,” she said…

  19. December 5th, 2011 / 7:14 am Anonymous—

      phlpn.es/829r8s

  20. December 5th, 2011 / 7:34 am Anonymous—

      linkhide.com.ar/47632

  21. December 5th, 2011 / 7:17 pm Anonymous—

      linkhide.com.ar/47632

  22. December 5th, 2011 / 7:25 pm Anonymous—

      phlpn.es/829r8s