November 30th, 2011 / 2:25 pm

ToBS R1: Facebook status updates re: present MS word count vs. Alcoholism

[Matchup #2 in Tournament of Bookshit]

OMG how I loathe the assbaitishness of your posts telling everyone how many words you’ve written. But I don’t know, maybe I should be like fucking thanking you, because by telling me how much you’ve written, I can be sure I will definitely never want to read what you publish when you finish it, if you finish it, since you seem so busy telling me how much you’ve written, and that takes time away from tweaking your shit. If you write 5,000 words, chances are that 4,950 of them are shit, and chances are even greater that the 50 you have left over are in the wrong order or something, and when you finally get those lined up right you will probably be able to lose half of those as well, so the word count of your status update itself turns out to have a higher word count than what you’ve really actually word doc-written, and it’s probably more interesting because at least your status update tells me how pathetic you are, something that whatever you’ve been word doc-writing happens to leave out, unforch.

Drinking rules, and I don’t believe in God. If drinking or getting high makes your short stint here on Earth an easier time to pass/place to be, then please make the time you have alive here fit you the snuggiest so you aren’t a dick/bitch to other people. If it takes you ingesting ten vodka tonics a night in order for you to not lash out at everyone and be an asshole every day, if three bottles of wine is what you need to not cry yourself to sleep every night, then you should drink all that shit. And then drink more. As long as you don’t start fucking up the lives of those around you with your weakness, it’s cool. But you must be able to handle your shit, otherwise I have no time for your shit. Same goes with drugs. Grow the fuck up.

Giancarlo Ditrapano

* * *

WINNER: Alcoholism

Tags: ,


  1. BoomersMustDie

      You’re just jealous ofmy  NaNoRiMo victory… some of us can’t keep up, and that’s okay, Gian. To some this is a competition. But to me it’s a race.

  2. BoomersMustDie

      PS I’m sending it to you, page by page the INSTANT you open your submissions.

  3. Anonymous

      This is the most predictable win of the whole tournament.

  4. Daniel Bailey

      this rules.

  5. Jason Jimenez

      Wow I just lost…. Plus im guilty of updating my fb status with my MS word count. Terrible morning for me, I think I will have a drink once I’m done teaching.

  6. Hunter


  7. lorian long


  8. Ryan Call

      i need a drink

  9. James Yeh

      Yes, Gian.

      “the word count of your status update itself turns out to have a higher word count than what you’ve really actually word doc-written”

  10. Tron

      The facebook word count thing, and the general bragging of every minor achievement, has made me despise every writer I know. Good job, social media. 

      (now to go tweet to everyone that I posted a comment on htmlgiant!)

  11. Mason Johnson

      Spoken like a true writer (sonuvabitch). Can’t help but love it.

  12. lily hoang

      i can’t believe i’m already out. 

  13. Lincoln Michel

      Is it possible to say NaNoRiMo out loud with a straight face? 

  14. BoomersMustDie

      It’s like a mouthful of karate chops.

  15. BoomersMustDie

      You’re getting it too. One more day. 50K of pleasure in the pipeline.

  16. barry

      2 for 2

  17. deadgod

      don’t start fucking up the lives of those around you

      you must be able to handle your shit

      Grow the fuck up.

      Not actually talking about alcoholism will make it hard to beat “Alcoholism”.

  18. Tim Jones-Yelvington

      Is that how it works? What if you have right calls later on?

  19. Tim Jones-Yelvington

      I might have just fundamentally misunderstood some math.

  20. Tim Jones-Yelvington

      I just looked at the brackets, I get it now, you are not out, you are just 0/63, THERE IS STILL HOPE.

  21. Leapsloth14

      Damn, these rock. This is going to be a good week. Fuck word count douche.

  22. BAC

      I’ve got Alcohol going all the way. What the fuck’s gonna beat it? 

  23. deadgod

      Tim, each time you don’t pick the winner, that next pair (‘forward’), for you, will have a ‘missing’ term–decreasing your chances, before the game is on, that next pairing.  The earlier in the process that you (mis)call a loser, the more you’re crippled ‘forward’ in that bracket; picking something to go far that loses early is a major hobble.  If anyone has early success, you need it, too – to compete with that person–unless that gal/guy gets wiped out the next round and your (fewer) winners carry on winning to the last couple of rounds.  That might be what lily is referring to.

  24. Tim Jones-Yelvington

      I understand that conceptually, but… this early in the game, isn’t there still a possibility that others could fuck up badly enough in later rounds that EVEN the “crippled” brackets have a chance of pulling ahead? I realize it’s all about probabilities and stuff.

      Plus there’s still a shit ton of round 1 judgments forthcoming, missing 2 is nothing, really.

  25. deadgod

      Fuck–“liked” when I wanted to reply.  Okay – don’t want to ‘unlike’; actually do “Like”, despite dislike of the operation.  Not sure about the new font; like that the “Reply” box is sized in accordance with the eventual reply.

      Yes; way too early to throw in the towel.  –but never to early to self-excoriate from and by remorse, ha ha ha.

  26. Like,um

      here’s what i don’t like:  when people put the word ‘like,’ like, all over the place. (for instance: “…maybe I should be like fucking thanking you…” fucking was sufficient; like fucking too much.) ‘like’ is like your dick: unless you want to destroy its appeal, best to be selective about the spaces you slip it in.

  27. c2k

      660 words in the last half hour.

  28. c2k

      Let’s all remember: it’s Alcoholism. And the Judge here is placing a caveat on the -ism part:

      As long as you don’t start fucking up the lives of those around you with
      your weakness, it’s cool. But you must be able to handle your shit,
      otherwise I have no time for your shit.

      Which is why alcoholism is (or should be) going down at some point*.


      *64 words incl. html tags.

  29. Gian

      We treat our dicks differently, it seems

  30. M. Kitchell

      “Drinking rules, and I don’t believe in God.” is like my new favorite line of anything ever

  31. reynard

      NaNoWriMo is the rBGH of literature

  32. Anonymous

      So we were supposed to pick things we approve over things we disapprove? Whoops. I had ‘annoying facebook word count’ going all the way.

  33. Leapsloth14

      Alcoholism is going final 4

  34. Tyler Christensen

      I hate it when people are dick/bitches

  35. BmrsMstD


  36. JW

      Nice!  Slash and burn.

  37. Anonymous

      art cop vs. awesome destructive power of the bad/mediocre novel somebody wrote

  38. Laura van den Berg







  41. Je Sk

      t r i l l

  42. Joey Elswick

      i just tagged you on fb. xo. haha.