December 9th, 2011 / 1:04 pm

ToBS R1: middle age white male sex scene vs. middle age white male self published sci fi novel pt 1 of 4

[Matchup #31 in Tournament of Bookshit]

Holy receding hairlines! This is quite the week for middle-aged men, with no less than two new texts targeting the graying templed-set: Middle Aged White Male Heterosexual Sex Scene AND Middle Age White Male Self-Published Sci Fi Novel Pt 1! TJY and the Actionettes have made no secret of our fetish for hot, pot-bellied daddies – so this is the kind of news that has us sweating off our makeup, creaming our sequins and quaking in our stilettos!

Scientists may have disproven the existence of the “midlife crisis,” but that hasn’t stopped these brash boomers from indulging in their long-held fantasies of literary glory. But in today’s crowded marketplace, which of these texts has what it takes to grab readers’ attention? Lucky for you, TJY and the Actionettes are on the case to give these texts a thorough reading… and reading. In this feature, we subject Middle Aged White Male Heterosexual Sex Scene and Middle Aged White Male Self-Published Sci Fi Novel Pt 1 to our patented SASS criteria – which, as most of you know, stands for: Style, Artistry, Sex & Sociopathy — to see how they stack up!

Style: Whatchu say, girl? You asked us if those daddies got assonance? What, you think we mean prose style? Oh no, Hunty, in this category, it’s all about THE CLOTHES, and since Middle Aged White Male Heterosexual Sex Scene ain’t got any (And it’s a damn shame… There was soooo much potential here for some fierce costumed role play!), we’re going to have to go with Middle Aged White Male Self-Published Sci Fi Novel Pt 1. But that doesn’t mean we’re not enthusiastic. This text serves up some FIERCE Live Action Role Play realness. We’re talking chainmail, tentacles, shiny warrior bling and sky-high shoulder pads, or as we like to call them – SWAGGER PINNACLES. Sickening!

Artistry: This is the category that demonstrates once and for all: You really can judge a book by its cover! That’s right, Hunty, it’s ALL about the cover art. And sorry, Middle Aged White Male Self-Published Sci Fi Novel Pt 1, but that paperback pulp looks’ about as played and as criminal as Lindsay Lohan’s record. THANK GOD that minimalist cover that Middle Aged White Male Heterosexual Sex Scene’s rocking (It doesn’t have a cover, remember? It’s not a book!) is TOTALLY NOW. Three snaps for Hetero Sex!

Sex: You’d think that Middle Aged White Male Heterosexual Sex Scene would have this category on lockdown, given it’s ALL ABOUT sex. But where sex is concerned, sentences DO matter, and let’s just say Middle Aged White Male Heterosexual’s came nowhere near disrupting our tuck. Right about the time that Middle Aged White Male Heterosexual drove the heel of his boot into his lady friend’s face, then carved off her eyelid with a hunting knife, his clumsy syntax completely killed the moment. Here, Middle Aged White Male Self-Published Sci Fi Novel Pt 1 was an unexpected victor. We’ve seen nothing hotter this year than the alien guide Tbnkafia’s early, erotic expiration while crossing a planet whose surface the author describes as resembling a giant, Wild Berry Pop Tart that opens and closes at will. Tbnkafia tumbles, is sucked inside, crushed and smothered by glorious filling, experiencing a boner-boinging moment of transcendent ecstasy before his final flameout. We nearly messed our panties.

Sociopathy: Girl, did you READ Middle Aged White Male Heterosexual Sex Scene? That is some Fucked. Up. Shit.

Tim Jones-Yelvington and the Actionettes

– – –

WINNER: We appear to have a tie – and since FASHION always triumphs over everything else ever, to Middle Aged White Male Self-Published Sci Fi Novel Pt 1 goes the spoils. HALLELOO!

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  1. Tim Jones-Yelvington

      (The Actionettes are my drag queen backing band).

  2. Mason Johnson

      Phew. Thank God Middle Aged White Male Self Published Sci Fi Novel Pt 1 won.

  3. Mason Johnson

      I think?

  4. Jonathan Safran Foer

      “Humans are the only animal that blushes, laughs, has religion, wages war, and kisses with lips. So in a way, the more you kiss with lips, the more human you are. And the more you wage war.”
      Nicole and I think this hullabloo is an ugliness and we chose to reproduce by budding

  5. Brenda Kwang

      People need to die under thirty like Shelley and Keats. 

  6. Anonymous

      I <3 U Tim !!!!!!!!!!!!!

  7. Anonymous

      and Jean Benet Ramsey

  8. Tim Jones-Yelvington

      Leave a beautiful corpse, baby!

  9. Tim Jones-Yelvington

      My buds are in bloom, baby, wanna send me a bee?

  10. Tim Jones-Yelvington


  11. ladyblogblah

      speaking as an actionette and therefore a biased member of the community, I agree with your assertion that fashion trumps everything. also, sentences do matter. a responsible actionette would never let a middleaged man who couldn’t craft a syntactically intriguing line about his own potbelly anywhere near their bed/closet/darkened alley

  12. Tim Jones-Yelvington
  13. Jonathan Safran Foer


  14. Anonymous

      I just died.

  15. Anonymous

      Swagger pinnacles. That’s really all.

  16. Anonymous

      In your 20s!!

  17. Helen

      In an ideal world.

  18. 88888888888888888888888

      So Frank…

  19. Tim Jones-Yelvington
  20. William VanDenBerg

      It’s ok, your secret’s safe with the internet.

      Also, this was fantastic. I don’t feel bad about losing.

  21. deadgod

      That’s being counted on.

  22. Tim Jones-Yelvington

      J Saf’s corpse, not so beautiful, but I’ve got some pigments we can use to fix that.

  23. Frank Tas, the Raptor

      Hey I am late to the party. To be fair and a gentleman I do not think this post can be called a “description” of a sex scene, so I’d say we both lost and need to do some public Dick Cheney reading. What city are you in anyway? Don’t be in Chicago.

  24. 88888888888888888888888

      Yep, Chicago.

  25. 88888888888888888888888

      I really thought I was going to win that one.

  26. Anonymous

  27. Anonymous

  28. Anonymous

  29. Anonymous

  30. Anonymous