Random
An Open Letter to Carl’s Jr. from Mark Baumer
[Mark Baumer, of the Brown MFA Blog sends word of his current project, a consummation with the Carl Jr’s of the US. He also recently wrote to Chic-fil-A and got a response. He’s a slut. — BB]
Dear Carl’s Jr.,
There are a little more than 1,000 Carl’s Jr. restaurants in the United States. I would like to visit each one this summer. Please give me one-thousand free meals to Carl’s Jr. If you do I will only eat Carl’s Jr. this summer. You know how sometimes old people talk about the ‘summer of love’? Someday, when I grow old, I would like to talk about ‘summer of carl’.
I have a friend. His name is ‘Karl’. I think I will ask him to change his name to ‘Carl’ if you give me one-thousand free meals to Carl’s Jr.
If you don’t give me one-thousand free meals to Carl’s Jr. I think I will kill a Chinaman. I just read this Hemingway book, To Have and Have Not, and a guy named Johnson stiffs this fisherman named Harry Morgan $800 and Harry doesn’t have any money so he kills a Chinaman. If you don’t give me one-thousand free meals to Carl’s Jr. I will be hungry and I will kill a Chinaman and eat him.
I’m looking at the Carl’s Jr. Wikipedia page. There is a picture of the Carl’s Jr. in Rancho Cordova, California. That sounds like a cool place. I’m glad you put a Carl’s Jr. in that town. I look forward to eating at Carl’s Jr. in Rancho Cordova.
The other day I was reading this book by James Baldwin about a black man who is in jail. It made me pause. I started thinking, “If Carl’s Jr. can afford to give me one-thousand free meals then they can afford to give some black man who just out of jail one-thousand free meals.” I think you should give me and a black man who just got out of jail one-thousand free meals each. The two of us will then drive around and eat at every Carl’s Jr. in the United States this summer. I will write a book about the experience. It will probably be a #1 best seller. Tyler Perry will buy the movie rights. The book will be called Summer of Carl. I think the black man will be named Carl. Tyler Perry will probably change the name of the book when he turns it into a movie. Maybe he will call it: Angry Black Woman Mouthing Carls.
Anyway, I think this is a good business proposal. I want to win a million dollars. Give it to me.
Sincerely,
Mark
Tags: carl's jr, Mark Baumer
I had a similar idea, but with Chipotle. I would be less forceful with my letter.
I had a similar idea, but with Chipotle. I would be less forceful with my letter.
sounds like Letters From A Nut
sounds like Letters From A Nut
should be called “the (500) days of the summer of carl” — should also feature a quirky indie kid that looks too young to drive around the country
Our generation has finally found its Lazlo Toth!
should be called “the (500) days of the summer of carl” — should also feature a quirky indie kid that looks too young to drive around the country
Our generation has finally found its Lazlo Toth!
if you eat at the rancho cordova one, call me and i will eat with you.
if you eat at the rancho cordova one, call me and i will eat with you.
i think TO HAVE AND HAVE NOT is my favorite hemingway book. the part where he breaks the guys arm is pretty sweet. i think i almost puked when i first read it for some reason.
i think TO HAVE AND HAVE NOT is my favorite hemingway book. the part where he breaks the guys arm is pretty sweet. i think i almost puked when i first read it for some reason.
last year a married woman who said she worked for carl’s junior corporate tried to seduce me on a flight from san francisco to san antonio. she asked me if i liked fast food and i had no idea where that conversation was going to lead. at the time there were no carl’s juniors in san antonio, so i thought she was lying or maybe even insane, but now there are a few. i’m sorry to say i threw her number away. true story.
last year a married woman who said she worked for carl’s junior corporate tried to seduce me on a flight from san francisco to san antonio. she asked me if i liked fast food and i had no idea where that conversation was going to lead. at the time there were no carl’s juniors in san antonio, so i thought she was lying or maybe even insane, but now there are a few. i’m sorry to say i threw her number away. true story.
Hardee’s is better.
thanks reynard, really wanted that booty call….
Hardee’s is better.
thanks reynard, really wanted that booty call….
Hasn’t Letters to Wendy’s already covered this territory?
Hasn’t Letters to Wendy’s already covered this territory?
Joey Cuomo was doing this for a couple years–
http://www.asofterworld.com/oqarchive.php
–with Overqualified. But Mark’s is pretty funny too…
Joey Cuomo was doing this for a couple years–
http://www.asofterworld.com/oqarchive.php
–with Overqualified. But Mark’s is pretty funny too…
no
no
my dad owns a chick-fil-a. too bad his request was not fulfilled. he should go to texas & try whataburger next or sonic.
my dad owns a chick-fil-a. too bad his request was not fulfilled. he should go to texas & try whataburger next or sonic.
sorry, yo. maybe if you worked for in-n-out we could’ve made a deal.
sorry, yo. maybe if you worked for in-n-out we could’ve made a deal.
isn’t it the same?
isn’t it the same?
Letters to Wendy’s was definitely in the back of my head when I wrote this, but I’m more serious I think
Letters to Wendy’s was definitely in the back of my head when I wrote this, but I’m more serious I think
I have only read Old Man and the Nick Adams stories by hemmingway, but I liked this book a lot better. Shocked to read he thought it was his worst book.
I have only read Old Man and the Nick Adams stories by hemmingway, but I liked this book a lot better. Shocked to read he thought it was his worst book.
oh
oh
Or its Joe Wenderoth?
Or its Joe Wenderoth?
It’s our very own Toth/Wenderoth hybrid.
It’s our very own Toth/Wenderoth hybrid.
Letters to Wendy’s is about death. This is clearly a joyous celebration of life.
Letters to Wendy’s is about death. This is clearly a joyous celebration of life.
yep
yep
This is obviously another Tao Lin stunt.
This is obviously another Tao Lin stunt.
would love to eat burgers with you
would love to eat burgers with you
I was surprised to learn that hemingway thought this was his worst book
I was surprised to learn that hemingway thought this was his worst book
doesn’t carl’s jr own hardees
doesn’t carl’s jr own hardees
i wrote a letter to chipotle last night
i wrote a letter to chipotle last night
how so?
tao doesn’t even eat meat
i would only be eating meat
how so?
tao doesn’t even eat meat
i would only be eating meat
Sorry. Good point. But it just reads like him.
Sorry. Good point. But it just reads like him.
hehe silly joseph gordon levitt
hehe silly joseph gordon levitt
Letters to Wendy isn’t serious?
Letters to Wendy isn’t serious?
Not to be a soggy bun, but wasn’t the last part about black men, jail and tyler perry a little racially suspish? What do I know? Not to ruin a bunch of white people’s good time or anything…
“Three-Piece Combo With Drink” from Barrelhouse Quarterly happens to describe a starving writer selling a story to a fast food chain, and on the book tour he has to eat the same fried chicken combo every single day for about a summer or so. The results are gross. Fair warning.
Not to be a soggy bun, but wasn’t the last part about black men, jail and tyler perry a little racially suspish? What do I know? Not to ruin a bunch of white people’s good time or anything…
“Three-Piece Combo With Drink” from Barrelhouse Quarterly happens to describe a starving writer selling a story to a fast food chain, and on the book tour he has to eat the same fried chicken combo every single day for about a summer or so. The results are gross. Fair warning.
But no haterade spray intended, anywhere ever. Just firing off the ol’ PC Cannon.
But no haterade spray intended, anywhere ever. Just firing off the ol’ PC Cannon.
i’m pretty sure “black” is the preferred nomenclature of… black people.
i’m pretty sure “black” is the preferred nomenclature of… black people.