October 15th, 2008 / 2:01 pm
Mean & Random

Fiction Workshops Examined

I don’t know what the secret of success is for writers, but I doubt it has anything to do with writing workshops. To be blunt (and it is Mean Week), it seems like you’re just paying strangers to take mild interest in your work. This might even be the case with an MFA in writing—who knows; I work full-time at an office and publish mere ‘flash’ online, so that tells you how much I know.

I google imaged “fiction workshop” and have written about some photos I’ve found.

I. NOT ENOUGH CHAIRS

Maybe they’re gearing us up for a life of the ‘starving artist,’ or maybe it’s some Hindu thing. All I know is, any more pressure on that women’s coccyx and she’s gonna accidentally CTRL-A and hit backspace. There goes two weeks of writing lady. Life is unfair, you should hit the save button more often.

II. IN A HURRY TO LEAVE

The guy’s already zipped up this bag. Shawl women in the middle is looking at for the nearest fire escape. Ms. Happy on the right can’t believe it’s already :57. They are thinking “I’m down 300 dollars and my ego is still a wet fish flopping over the barren plateau of my non-existent career.” Either that, or we got some major bladder issues.

III. UNHAPPY BLACK PEOPLE

If art is indeed a microcosm of society, then, as usual, the black people are pissed—and for good reason. I imagine they just got through reading five stories about boyfriends and living in apartments and trouble with granny or a weekend in Cape Cod that turned out colder than one thought. Tiesha (let’s call her that) works two jobs at KFC and Carl’s Jr., and she’s not in the fucking mood to hear white bitches moan about a blowjob gone bad.

IV. JUDGMENTAL BODY LANGUAGE

If you are a writer, deep down inside you think this: “My stories are better than this asswhipe over here. What kind of self-involved baby writes in the first-person anyways?” Graciousness is a myth; we are all resentful at attention directed at someone else; like every time Blake gets into another journal (which is every other day), I say ‘fuck him, I hope he cuts his cornea with the table of contents.’

V. WOMAN LIKE TO BE OUTSIDE

I’m not one for creating gender stereotypes, but seriously, women think fiction is better outside for some reason. It must have been E.M. Forster’s A Passage to India that started this fascination with abandoning one’s domestic prison and going outside into the sand swept wind. Of course, take away their sunglasses, suntan lotion, sunhats, and folding chairs and they’d be fucked. They’d come back into the foyer looking like Bukowski’s nose, or worse, Joan Didion’s face. (Be nice now, it’s mean week.)

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58 Comments

  1. Blake Butler

      i just laughed until my balls hurt over the women like to be outside. so. true.

  2. Blake Butler

      i just laughed until my balls hurt over the women like to be outside. so. true.

  3. Blake Butler

      stomach gut laughter is the shit, it also works your abs

  4. Blake Butler

      stomach gut laughter is the shit, it also works your abs

  5. j. a. tyler

      that is a fucking hilarious collection of photos & comments.

  6. drew

      III was great. nice.

  7. j. a. tyler

      that is a fucking hilarious collection of photos & comments.

  8. drew

      III was great. nice.

  9. Ryan Call

      so were you actually going to be mean in the post about workshops or just be cute?

  10. Ryan Call

      i admit that i did laugh at all of this in a good way, though.

  11. Ryan Call

      so were you actually going to be mean in the post about workshops or just be cute?

  12. Ryan Call

      i admit that i did laugh at all of this in a good way, though.

  13. Blake Butler

      we need to have writer vs writer for mean week

  14. barry

      NOT ENOUGH CHAIRS makes me laugh. good post.

  15. Blake Butler

      we need to have writer vs writer for mean week

  16. barry

      NOT ENOUGH CHAIRS makes me laugh. good post.

  17. Blake Butler

      html giant presents public mini workshops of each others’ stories! oh shit….

  18. Blake Butler

      html giant presents public mini workshops of each others’ stories! oh shit….

  19. pr

      This was very funny.

      i like the idea of writer v. writer (sean lovelace does something like that at his blog…)

      but public minin workshops of stories?! during mean week?! Great idea-

  20. pr

      This was very funny.

      i like the idea of writer v. writer (sean lovelace does something like that at his blog…)

      but public minin workshops of stories?! during mean week?! Great idea-

  21. Darby Larson

      ha ha

  22. Jimmy Chen

      these comments just killed mean weak

  23. Darby Larson

      ha ha

  24. Jimmy Chen

      these comments just killed mean weak

  25. matthew

      ummm…i know it may sound like i’m kidding, but i’m not. i work with the people in the first photo.

      seriously.

  26. matthew

      ummm…i know it may sound like i’m kidding, but i’m not. i work with the people in the first photo.

      seriously.

  27. Brad D. Green

      Excellent work, Mr. Chin. I was expecting the patented Jimmy Chen sarcastic rant about writing workshops being slaughter houses or stamp factories for stories about marriages failing. Maybe even a little slathering hound thrown in with text between its teeth. What a surprise to read about pissed off black people and an absence of proper ass support.

  28. Brad D. Green

      Excellent work, Mr. Chin. I was expecting the patented Jimmy Chen sarcastic rant about writing workshops being slaughter houses or stamp factories for stories about marriages failing. Maybe even a little slathering hound thrown in with text between its teeth. What a surprise to read about pissed off black people and an absence of proper ass support.

  29. pr

      Matthew, are you a teacher?

  30. Brad D. Green

      these comments just killed mean weak

      You’ve transcended mean week. There’s hope for humanity after all.

  31. pr

      Matthew, are you a teacher?

  32. Brad D. Green

      these comments just killed mean weak

      You’ve transcended mean week. There’s hope for humanity after all.

  33. jereme

      fuck humanity

      this was funny

      it was not mean

      ryan is right

  34. jereme

      fuck humanity

      this was funny

      it was not mean

      ryan is right

  35. ravi

      so good

  36. ravi

      so good

  37. Adam R

      awesome

  38. Adam R

      awesome

  39. Molly Gaudry

      Great post, Jimmy. Ditto what Barry said.

  40. Molly Gaudry

      Great post, Jimmy. Ditto what Barry said.

  41. Molly Gaudry

      And about being outside…I have been known to hold a few classes out on the quad. It’s NICE out there.

  42. Molly Gaudry

      And about being outside…I have been known to hold a few classes out on the quad. It’s NICE out there.

  43. matthew

      no. i work at a bookstore. that is my bookstore. those are our chairs.

      and i don’t mean it looks like my bookstore, and those people appear like people i work with. they really are. the one on the far left is Nancy Pearl. she is a former public librarian in Seattle who appears on npr to review books. she tapes a television show at our store, and she interviews authors. on the right is an author she has probably just finished interviewing. it appears to be science fiction author connie willis. in the middle is the person who coordinates readings and events. she came into my office just a little while ago, and we talked about something.

      this is the greatest thing ever.

  44. matthew

      no. i work at a bookstore. that is my bookstore. those are our chairs.

      and i don’t mean it looks like my bookstore, and those people appear like people i work with. they really are. the one on the far left is Nancy Pearl. she is a former public librarian in Seattle who appears on npr to review books. she tapes a television show at our store, and she interviews authors. on the right is an author she has probably just finished interviewing. it appears to be science fiction author connie willis. in the middle is the person who coordinates readings and events. she came into my office just a little while ago, and we talked about something.

      this is the greatest thing ever.

  45. Ryan Call

      jimmy chen has done it.

      i think we should just delete everythign and start over.

  46. Ryan Call

      jimmy chen has done it.

      i think we should just delete everythign and start over.

  47. pr

      Holy! That is incredible, Matthew. I love how you humanised them for me. (I was sort of objectifying…but not with hate or anything…)

  48. pr

      Holy! That is incredible, Matthew. I love how you humanised them for me. (I was sort of objectifying…but not with hate or anything…)

  49. matthew

      Nancy is actually the one on the right. and Connie on the left. sorry.

  50. matthew

      Nancy is actually the one on the right. and Connie on the left. sorry.

  51. Jimmy Chen

      matthew, it’s crazy that that’s your bookstore. it was meant to be.

  52. Jimmy Chen

      matthew, it’s crazy that that’s your bookstore. it was meant to be.

  53. stephen lewis

      yes

      i love bonnet pictures

  54. stephen lewis

      yes

      i love bonnet pictures

  55. Catharine Clark-Sayles

      Women outside — its an air conditioning thing. It is always summer and just too damn cold indoors. Also outdoors there is always the possibility of squirrels.

  56. Catharine Clark-Sayles

      Women outside — its an air conditioning thing. It is always summer and just too damn cold indoors. Also outdoors there is always the possibility of squirrels.

  57. meg pokrass

      love this so much!

  58. meg pokrass

      love this so much!