God damn it

Posted by @ 3:03 pm on June 18th, 2010

Hindu god Vishnu got eight limbs, and so does this toddler who they say is a reincarnated god, though science will tell you the extra four limbs are from a ‘parasitic twin’ (sounds like a relationship). Hindus don’t eat cow cos cows are holy, which is where “holy cow” comes from — Protestants wanting to curse, but not at their own god. Hindus won’t eat beef, Jews won’t eat pork, and I won’t eat pussy; yes, we are all self-absorbed. Christians see Jesus everywhere, mostly on toast. Toast is an example of its verb manifesting its noun. Let me help: bread → toaster → toast. The other kind of toast involves champagne and having to lie about liking someone.

They found Jesus as a dog’s asshole. An asshole is the end of a long tube which begins at one’s mouth. This proves all perverts are dyslexic, because all perverts would rather fuck asses and mouths. Freud will tell you that you want to fuck where you left off in your development — at the anal, oral, or junior high stage. In junior high I suffered from allergies, migraines, and boners. I’m better now, thanks to depression.

The Buddhist logo looks like a swastika but isn’t; the Mercedes Benz logo is a castrated peace sign; a peace sign is a circled broken upside-down cross; an upside-down cross is Satan’s logo; a right-side-up cross is Jesus’s logo. How is Friday good if he died that day? Is Sabbath on Saturday or Sunday? Three million years of evolution, and we still don’t have a calendar. The big bang theory is exactly that: a theory, like that of relativity. Here’s my theory of relatives: my entire family are hypochondriacs who compete and compare respective ailments. Cancer wins.

If the big bang never happened, you, me, and everyone we know wouldn’t know who Miranda July is. That would have been awesome. I’m a hater. Someone recently told me I have narcissistic personality disorder, which includes, according to DSM-IV, “a constant need for attention, affirmation, and praise.” Fuck people, that’s called the internet.