August 14th, 2012 / 6:31 pm
 Random & Snippets
—

Tell me a good joke.

32 Comments

  1. August 14th, 2012 / 7:16 pm sam salvador—

      where does the general keep his armies?

  2. August 14th, 2012 / 7:19 pm A D Jameson—

      Mired in the Middle East?

  3. August 14th, 2012 / 7:22 pm lily hoang—

      where?

  4. August 14th, 2012 / 7:26 pm sam salvador—

      up his sleevies!

  5. August 14th, 2012 / 7:26 pm sam salvador—

      =(

  6. August 14th, 2012 / 7:28 pm lily hoang—

      nice.

  7. August 14th, 2012 / 7:49 pm A D Jameson—

      Oops, I meant “Mired in the Middle Easties.”

  8. August 14th, 2012 / 9:48 pm Ethan—

      This beautiful prostitute visits this 90-year-old man in his nursing home. “Who are you?” he says. She says: “Your friends all chipped in to hire me for your birthday. I’m here to offer you super sex.” The old man thinks about it for a moment, then nods his head and says: “I’ll have the soup.”

  9. August 14th, 2012 / 9:55 pm Don—

      The Rabbi says, ‘What’s green, hangs on the wall, and whistles?’
      The student says, ‘No idea.’
      The Rabbi says, ‘A herring.’
      The student says, ‘Well a herring could be green and hang on a wall, but it definitely doesn’t whistle.

      …

      The Rabbi says, ‘So it doesn’t whistle.’

  10. August 14th, 2012 / 10:01 pm Frank Tas, the Raptor—
  11. August 14th, 2012 / 10:01 pm leapsloth—

      A poet walks out of a bar.

  12. August 14th, 2012 / 11:32 pm postitbreakup—

      yes

  13. August 14th, 2012 / 11:34 pm shaun gannon—
  14. August 14th, 2012 / 11:34 pm postitbreakup—
  15. August 15th, 2012 / 3:02 am Daniel Bailey—
  16. August 15th, 2012 / 3:35 am deadgod—

      Guy goes to the doctor. ‘Oh, I’m sick. You gotta run some tests.’

      Doctor runs the tests and comes back. ‘I’ve got some bad news, and some worse news.’

      Guy says, ‘Okay. What’s the “bad news”?’

      ‘The bad news is that you have cancer. You have terminal cancer, and you’re dying of cancer.’

      ‘Cancer? What’s “worse” than cancer??’

      ‘Well, you have Alzheimer’s. In your brain, you have Alzheimer’s disease.’

      ‘Alzheimer’s?! …well, at least I don’t have cancer.’

  17. August 15th, 2012 / 8:54 am marshall mallicoat—

      bump

  18. August 15th, 2012 / 9:28 am Squidbeard—

      A man pulls his car to the side of a remote mountain pass when he sees a small boy standing beside a violently torn out guard rail. The man says to the boy, “What happened here?”

      The boy looks up sadly and says, “My family was driving, and my father lost control and went off the road, and I tumbled out of the car just in time to see them all go right off this cliff. I’ve been waiting here for hours. and you’re the first person to come along.”

      The man looks around and then begins unbuckling his belt. “This just isn’t your lucky day, is it?”

  19. August 15th, 2012 / 10:25 am lily hoang—

      Daniel Bailey, I am watching yr joke now. You are charming.

  20. August 15th, 2012 / 10:35 am Tyler Crumrine—

      A fish swam into a concrete wall and said damn.

  21. August 15th, 2012 / 10:36 am lily hoang—

      amazing, just fucking amazing.

  22. August 15th, 2012 / 10:38 am bartleby_taco—

      Did you hear about the guy that left his accordion in the back seat of his car? When he came back his window was broken and there were three more accordions there.

      – told to me by a dad

  23. August 15th, 2012 / 10:57 am mimi—

      hear the one about the constipated mathematician? he had to work it out with a pencil

  24. August 15th, 2012 / 11:24 am mike—

      A guy goes to the doctor, and the doctor wants to run some tests. The guy says okay, and the doctor starts his examination.

      “Well…” the doctor says.

      “What?” the patients asks anxiously. “What is it?”

      “I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.”

      “What? Oh no! Why?”

      “Because I’m trying to examine you,” the doctor replies.

  25. August 15th, 2012 / 12:14 pm deadgod—

      Holmes and Watson go camping. After a long day, they pitch their tent, climb inside, and go to sleep.

      Some time after midnight, Holmes kicks Watson through their sleeping bags and says, ‘Wake up, Watson! Look up at the sky and tell me what you deduce.’

      Watson says, ‘Well, there are, at a low estimate, about ten thousand billion billion stars in the universe. Even if only one in a thousand stars has a planet, that makes about ten billion billion planets in the universe. Even if only one in a thousand planets could possibly have harbored life in the time since the Big Bang, that makes ten million billion possible planetary ecosystems in 13.7 billion years. I deduce that, why, some form of life must have evolved in many places in the universe!’

      Holmes says, ‘Watson, you idiot. Someone stole our tent.’

  26. August 15th, 2012 / 12:14 pm deadgod—

      Holmes and Watson go camping. After a long day, they pitch their tent, climb inside, and go to sleep.

      Some time after midnight, Holmes kicks Watson through their sleeping bags and says, ‘Wake up, Watson! Look up at the sky and tell me what you deduce.’

      Watson says, ‘Well, there are, at a low estimate, about ten thousand billion billion stars in the universe. Even if only one in a thousand stars has a planet, that makes about ten billion billion planets in the universe. Even if only one in a thousand planets could possibly have harbored life in the time since the Big Bang, that makes ten million billion possible planetary ecosystems in 13.7 billion years. I deduce that, why, some form of life must have evolved in many places in the universe!’

      Holmes says, ‘Watson, you idiot. Someone stole our tent.’

  27. August 15th, 2012 / 12:37 pm lily hoang—

      hehe

  28. August 15th, 2012 / 7:19 pm Nathan Jackson—

      What do you call a psychic midget on a crime spree?

      A small medium at large

  29. August 15th, 2012 / 10:00 pm Mike James—

      TRL in the 90s.

  30. August 16th, 2012 / 7:12 am Richard Grayson—

      Alter kocker long story: when I was around 11 and 12, in the early ’60s, we spent the summer at the Gilbert Hotel in South Fallsburg in the Borscht Belt (“Dirty Dancing” era — my parents later owned a hotel there), and also living there was my friend Jody and her parents, and her mom was the comedienne (as we said back in the day) Totie Fields. She always cracked me up. At that age, the joke she told I liked best was:

      “How does a boy scout know when he becomes a man?”

      “When he eats his first brownie.”

      She died way too young, and I miss her. Here she is on one of her many appearances on Ed Sullivan: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4icnixtadn4

  31. August 16th, 2012 / 12:57 pm deadgod—

      Scoutmaster takes his troop camping in a remote mountain area. They’re flying up to a high-altitude strip. Two of the scoutmaster’s friends, a lawyer and a priest, are along for the trip..

      As they ascend the mountain valleys, they hit bad turbulence. The pilot, wearing a parachute, bursts out of the cockpit and says to the scoutmaster and his friends, ‘Men, this plane is gonna crash. There’s three parachutes in the cabin.’ –and out the door he jumps.

      The three men look at each other, and the scoutmaster quickly says, ‘Guys, we’ve got to do something for the kids!’

      Lawyer says, ‘The kids?! Fuck the kids!’

      Priest says, ‘Is there time for that?’

  32. August 27th, 2012 / 5:48 pm Wallace Barker—

      Three little old ladies are sitting on the park bench when a flasher approaches and reveals himself. The first two ladies immediately have a stroke.

      The third lady couldn’t reach that far.