Wack Bible Stories
You know Jonah – God sent him to Ninevah but he didn’t want to go, so God made a whale eat him. Then Jonah had a change of heart and God made the whale barf him up.
Here’s the rest of the story: in Ninevah, Jonah told everyone that God was going to wipe them out in 40 days. They panicked and dressed themselves in burlap and the king said no one should eat anything. He said no animals should eat anything either, so God spared them. This irked Jonah because he looked like he didn’t know what he was talking about. Surely thinking about the Mediterranean storm, this time he fled into the desert. That night God grew a plant to shade Jonah. Then God sent a worm to eat the plant.
It’s in the Bible:
Jonah went out and sat down at a place east of the city. There he made himself a shelter, sat in its shade and waited to see what would happen to the city. Then the Lord God provided a vine and made it grow up over Jonah to give shade for his head to ease his discomfort, and Jonah was very happy about the vine. But at dawn the next day God provided a worm, which chewed the vine so that it withered. When the sun rose, God provided a scorching east wind, and the sun blazed on Jonah’s head so that he grew faint. He wanted to die. . . .
So what are you working on?
Tags: jonah, wack bible story
Just read the scene in Moby Dick where Ishmael listens to the Jonah sermon in the nautically-themed church he stumbles into in New Bedford. That story takes on a whole different aspect when it’s being read to roomful of salty old seamen. I’m guessing they didn’t this it wack. Probably scared the hell out of them.
Just read the scene in Moby Dick where Ishmael listens to the Jonah sermon in the nautically-themed church he stumbles into in New Bedford. That story takes on a whole different aspect when it’s being read to roomful of salty old seamen. I’m guessing they didn’t this it wack. Probably scared the hell out of them.
Interestingly, in the Hebrew, it’s not a whale. Just a “big fish.”
Interestingly, in the Hebrew, it’s not a whale. Just a “big fish.”
I may have changed it in my paraphrase.
I may have changed it in my paraphrase.
I need to reread that scene. I remember it being pretty massive.
I need to reread that scene. I remember it being pretty massive.
Not you. It’s a translation thing. People say, well the only fish big enough to eat a person is a whale (even though it’s a mammal and not a fish). Just console yourself that neither God nor Moses is perfect, or there used to be some very large trout swimming around.
One my favorite bible stories is where God orders King Saul to destroy the Amalekites, every last scrap of them. After the Israelites to kill them off, his soldiers are getting antsy and want the usual booty, so in fear Saul allows them to steal some crap and take the livestock. God revokes Saul’s kingship and gives it to Samuel for not following orders. And to think we hate the boss for not letting use browse Facebook during work.
Not you. It’s a translation thing. People say, well the only fish big enough to eat a person is a whale (even though it’s a mammal and not a fish). Just console yourself that neither God nor Moses is perfect, or there used to be some very large trout swimming around.
One my favorite bible stories is where God orders King Saul to destroy the Amalekites, every last scrap of them. After the Israelites to kill them off, his soldiers are getting antsy and want the usual booty, so in fear Saul allows them to steal some crap and take the livestock. God revokes Saul’s kingship and gives it to Samuel for not following orders. And to think we hate the boss for not letting use browse Facebook during work.
Yahweh, explain yourself.
Yahweh, explain yourself.
best bible bit:
And he went up from thence to Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, little boys came out of the city and mocked him, saying: Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head. And looking back, he saw them, and cursed them in the name of the Lord: and there came forth two bears out of the forest, and tore of them two and forty boys.
best bible bit:
And he went up from thence to Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, little boys came out of the city and mocked him, saying: Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head. And looking back, he saw them, and cursed them in the name of the Lord: and there came forth two bears out of the forest, and tore of them two and forty boys.
Mark 5: When Jesus got out of the boat, a man with an evil spirit came from the tombs to meet him. This man lived in the tombs, and no one could bind him any more, not even with a chain. For he had often been chained hand and foot, but he tore the chains apart and broke the irons on his feet. No one was strong enough to subdue him. Night and day among the tombs and in the hills he would cry out and cut himself with stones.
When he saw Jesus from a distance, he ran and fell on his knees in front of him. He shouted at the top of his voice, “What do you want with me, Jesus, Son of the Most High God? Swear to God that you won’t torture me!” For Jesus had said to him, “Come out of this man, you evil spirit!”
Then Jesus asked him, “What is your name?”
“My name is Legion,” he replied, “for we are many.”
(and then it gets really good)
Mark 5: When Jesus got out of the boat, a man with an evil spirit came from the tombs to meet him. This man lived in the tombs, and no one could bind him any more, not even with a chain. For he had often been chained hand and foot, but he tore the chains apart and broke the irons on his feet. No one was strong enough to subdue him. Night and day among the tombs and in the hills he would cry out and cut himself with stones.
When he saw Jesus from a distance, he ran and fell on his knees in front of him. He shouted at the top of his voice, “What do you want with me, Jesus, Son of the Most High God? Swear to God that you won’t torture me!” For Jesus had said to him, “Come out of this man, you evil spirit!”
Then Jesus asked him, “What is your name?”
“My name is Legion,” he replied, “for we are many.”
(and then it gets really good)
Can I get chapter and verse?
Can I get chapter and verse?
Sure, 2 Kings 2:23-24
Sure, 2 Kings 2:23-24
one of my favorite bible stories is from the new testament where jesus is having dinner at mary and martha’s and its just them three at the house and martha is cleaning her ass off, washing, scrubbing, cooking, cleaning, bleeding sweat. and mary is sitting at jesus’ feet rubbing him with oil and martha comes in like, jesus can you please have mary help a little, you know, do something, and jesus is like, um no. you both shall have your reward my child…… must be nice…
one of my favorite bible stories is from the new testament where jesus is having dinner at mary and martha’s and its just them three at the house and martha is cleaning her ass off, washing, scrubbing, cooking, cleaning, bleeding sweat. and mary is sitting at jesus’ feet rubbing him with oil and martha comes in like, jesus can you please have mary help a little, you know, do something, and jesus is like, um no. you both shall have your reward my child…… must be nice…
Moral of the story: don’t make fun of bald people, even if you’re surrounded by 41 friends.
Moral of the story: don’t make fun of bald people, even if you’re surrounded by 41 friends.
Daniel and Lot are in the temple drinking wine when Jesus arrives. “Why are you making my house a basement of iniquity?” And Daniel respondeth, “To get ready for the big day, Lord, when The Baptist must oil our rusted brows.” Lot nods, and Jesus, though angry, must walk the desert, eating of the figs, for so God told him this might happen.
Daniel and Lot are in the temple drinking wine when Jesus arrives. “Why are you making my house a basement of iniquity?” And Daniel respondeth, “To get ready for the big day, Lord, when The Baptist must oil our rusted brows.” Lot nods, and Jesus, though angry, must walk the desert, eating of the figs, for so God told him this might happen.
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