Shane Jones wrote a post on his blog about who he thought had a job, who he thought didn’t, and who he didn’t know. It interested me a good deal, because I think we all passively ‘stalk’ one another without actually contacting each other. Of course, there are bloggers who become friends, but for the most part, we only have an abstract idea of people—abstractions which are enabled by this ‘virtual’ internet medium.

I thought it would be fun to tell you what I think I know about certain characters’ personal lives in this nearing incestuous lit blogosphere. One disclaimer: in writing this post, I have not done any research (i.e. checking their blogger profile for stats, etc.). The following information is solely based on my perception of these people based on aggregated passive stalking sessions via blogspot, flickr, facebook, etc. Again, these are all conjectures, except for when I state a fact.

Ryan Manning

I have a feeling Ryan either ‘gets a lot of chicks,’ or is a weird virgin. His relationships with females seem like they would be intense. He lives in Virginia and has a lot of time.

Brandon Scott Gorrell

Brandon lives in Seattle, and used to be a dork. Now he’s a hipster (I use this word neutrally) because his hair is shaped funny. He recently got a girlfriend, who I think is ‘hot,’ because when a man is very talented, he increases his chance of getting hot females. Brandon uses a PC.

Shane Jones

Shane posted an mpeg touring his house, in upstate NY. There was a cat, which is not surprising because Shane is sensitive. His blogroll is female only, and I think he’s making a political point. I think he probably has a girlfriend, and that he’s a considerate lover. He has some politically progressive job because right before the election, he had to go somewhere.

Blake Butler

Blake lives in Atlanta Georgia, which he’s always bitching about (people in the south are very vocal that they don’t like it there). I think he has a girlfriend. I haven’t seen any pictures of his room or home, but I have a feeling it’s a total mess.

Tao Lin

A lot of this everyone knows, because Tao is so open with his life: he lives in Brooklyn, is vegan, and works at a vegan café, I think. He used to live in Florida. As for his personal life, I think a lot of strange women are severely attracted to him, but I think it’s hard to get into a relationship with Tao because he’s a) very busy, and b) very intense.

Justin Taylor

I think Justin and Tao were roommates, or still are. I don’t know much about Justin, because he doesn’t blog (except at HTMLgiant) and his website just lists his projects. He exudes ‘intellectual.’

Ken Baumann

Ken is an actor. I’ve youtubed the show he’s on, about a teenage girl. I’ve also seen him in Audi commercials. Ken is ‘young’ and his tone is mature. I think he’s loaded, like has a big swimming pool that no one goes into.

Mark Baumer

Mark, of everydayyeah, used to live in Minnesota, and moved to LA. He helps edit Thieves Jargon. I don’t know anything about him other than that.

Aaron Burch/Elizabeth Ellen

I think they are married, or at least going out. I don’t know where they live, but I think it’s either Ohio, Indiana, or Iowa—like not in a big city. I know that they really like Bourbon and poker. I group Barry Graham with them because they know each other.

Barry Graham

Barry Graham could totally kick your ass, not because he has any martial arts skills, but just because he’s really large. Barry isn’t ‘artsy’ the way most people here are, and I like that.

Claudia Smith & Lydia Coupland

I group these two together because I think they are friends. Also, they are ‘the moms.’ A lot of their fiction involves being a mom.

Mazie Louise Montgomery

I know for a fact that’s not her real name, and anyone who was involved in the online lit world pre-2004 will recognize her real name, which I’m not going to disclose out of respect.

Mazie is obviously depressed. I think she has strange affairs with older men. She works at a library.

Zachary German

Zachary used to live in Pennsylvania and moved to Brooklyn because the former state could not contain his hipsterness. He’s gay and obsessed with food. He takes glamour shots with Ellen Frances, who is a NYC Warhol type of person who calls people she likes ‘geniuses.’ She is beautiful and I am sexually attracted to her.

Ellen Kennedy

I thought Ellen Kennedy and Elizabeth Ellen were the same people for the longest time because of the shared ‘Ellen.’ Ellen Kennedy is depressed and recently went ‘crazy,’ like literally institutionalized (she talks about it on her blog, so I don’t think I’m stepping on any toes.) She took ‘major ass’ pictures of forests for awhile, so I think the mental facility was in thick woods.

Scott Garson

Scott Garson edits Wigleaf, and I think he’s a dad. I saw a picture of him with long hair (down to the butt) and it seems he used to be some Pynchon obsessed literary ‘freak,’ and now he’s more normal.

Mike Young

Mike used to live in Portland, and now lives in Massachusetts. He sings well and plays guitar, kinda of a Jeff Tweedy way. I think he’s an honest good guy who sometimes gets depressed. He likes taking road trips, in that Kerouac way.

Sam Pink

Sam Pink is not his real name. He mailed me a chapbook from Indiana, I think. I have a feeling he is older, maybe 32 or something. I think his fiction is ‘real’ in the sense that he is utterly alone and abandoned, but despite his 1^st person narrator, he doesn’t act like an asshole. Sam Pink is probably a pervert.

Colin Bassett

Colin lives in Indiana I think. He takes a lot of pictures looking outside windows from inside, and I think that’s a concept for him. He’s very effeminate, but I think he’s straight. He’s very thin because he’s often too detached to eat. He goes to the library often. I think he’s single, but somehow not lonely. He seems mature.

Noah Cicero

Noah lives in Ohio, that is very apparent. Somehow he has a whole house to himself, where he just shouts into the camera all the time. I think Noah thinks he’s Dostoyevsky. He is into politics and speaks in a manner which is not consistent with his high intelligence.

Gene Morgan

Gene recently became a dad. I think he lives around Texas, only because he does the website for Nano, which is some university in Texas’ creative writing journal. Gene, Barry, and Noah are like the ‘men,’ in the sense that all the other males on this list are sort of effeminate, in a literary Rilke/Proust kind of way.

Matthew Savoca & Colin Bassett

I group these two because they are in Europe. Matthew is in Italy, and Colin is in UK—though Matthew is an American expatriate and Colin is actually English. They are both thin and talented. I suspect they both get chicks.

Molly Gaudry

Molly is ‘new’ to this scene. I think she’s either Asian, Hapa, or Southeast Asian (which is Asian I guess). For those who don’t know, Hapa is when you’re any percent Asian. Like if your great grand mother had sex with a man who was ¼ Thai, you’d be hapa.

Ryan Call

I haven’t really followed Ryan Call. I don’t know, it’s like ‘Call’ is a very boring last name and I unfairly assume that he’s boring. He publishes in great print journals and has an interesting sister. I wish his name was Ryan Louvet Mallester, then I would become obsessed.

Matthew Simmons

Matthew Simmons lives in Seattle, and I wonder if he knows Brandon. Matthew works at a bookstore and I imagine him having a lot of hair, especially on his face.

Catherine Lacey

I saw some footage of Catherine brushing her teeth in the subway (NYC), and I think it was either an ‘art project’ or she wanted to have interesting material to post on her blog. Her name is sexy. I think all the NYC people hang out, or at least go to readings together. I saw footage of their behavior ‘in public’ and felt that I would be irritated if I met them in person.

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I hope nobody is offended, or thought that I was being sarcastic about them. I’ve just been a little obsessed about all of you.

There are still some who I am obsessed about, but I got too tired typing. If you weren’t included in this list, I’m not being elitist, I’m just tired and want you to know that I’m probably obsessed about you too.