I solicited Crispin Best for a >500 line chat re: Tao Lin for his grassroots promotional campaign. Tao, please contact Crispin for his mailing address and send him SFAA. Please give HTMLGIANT, a supporter of your literature, a 100-line discount to ship over seas (UK) to Crispin. Thanks. (Caveat: if you are easily irritated by Tao or me, or by this campaign, please do not click on more.)

[The perspective is reversed because I couldn’t find the chat, and was forwarded it from Crispin — except for the last lines, as his email to me was clipped for some reason. The last lines were pasted in from the pop-up window of the chat which I fortunately did not close.]

21:02 HTML: dr. best

me: hoooooooooooolyshit

HTML: this is htmlgiant c/o jimmy

me: hello chenbot

HTML: you know about the tao lin promothing

the 500 line IM

me: oh no – not yet, no

21:03 shiiiit – i am behind on my reading

HTML: damn you

me: “HTML:”

HTML: we need to have a 500 line conversatijon about him

me: oh ok

HTML: ok

good

me: has the conversation started yet?

HTML: yes it has

but it needs to be funny, my hopes

so it might not work

21:04 me: ok – i could be your straight man. i will set up puns

HTML: let’s talk about tao lin, but not his books ok?

me: sure – i haven’t read any all the way through anyway

21:05 HTML: http://heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com/2009/10/new-promotional-campaign-re-shoplifting.html

get acclimated dude

me: i am more interested in tao lin ‘the enigma’

HTML: no enigma, he’s a man

do people know tao lin in UK?

me: oh ok – so we need to hurry.

“i remember…”

21:06 HTML: btw, pls save this IM just in case i lose it

i’m not use to gchat

me: i first read a short story by tao lin on the internet, an excerpt from bed, on his website, and i mentioned his name to my friend, a china like you, her name is ‘fun’, and she went on amazon and bought 3 of his books without reading a line

21:07 HTML: sounds fun

me: i think tao lin is growin in stature, as the online literary scene in my country catches up with the uniter american states

HTML: haha she’s ‘china’

me: she is 100%, cantonese

what are you? what is tao ?

HTML: tao is mandurin i think

i’m mandurin

me: that’s ok, think that’s the more popular one

HTML: cantonese ppl. are like the people in the south in united states

like farmers who talk loud

21:08 what time is it in UK?

me: it is 9pm

i am listening to opera and thinking about tao lin listening to to opera

– to

21:09 HTML: part of me feels bad, because i think this grassroots thing is lame

me: i watched a video of tao lin and in the video i think i saw reynard seifert laughing a lot

HTML: i think he needs a lot of attention

me: he is on htmlgiant a lot

21:10 does grass need a lot of attention? is that the point?

HTML: yah that was reynard

me: i feel like grass just gets on with it

HTML: he’s a hipster from oakland

is tao a hipster?

me: what is a hipster? when i think ‘hipster’ i get confused with ‘holster’

because that’s on someone’s hip ordinarily

21:11 HTML: i’m worried this IM is not ironic enuff, and that i should capitalize my sentences

me: cantonese people keep their pistols in their hipsters

oh – i think you are right

i guess i wasn’t prepared

one of my oldest friends just told me i am boring and need to go to therapy

HTML: cantonese people have issues, they are like the scottish of the UK

me: i was surprised

HTML: we need to talk more about tao or he won’t link this

21:12 me: i think tao is the ringo of the internet literary scene

HTML: how so?

me: it seems salient

HTML: what is salient?

me: i imagine him doing a very solid job and working very hard

HTML: is that salty?

me: to do the right things right

21:13 i think tao lin is more ‘umami’ than salty

HTML: dang, you are cultured

you know alot of stuff best

have you read SFAA?

me: i haven’t, i would be interested in reading it

is it set in new york?

21:14 HTML: part of the deal is he’ll send you the book

but that costs 600 lines

maybe we could get a htmlgiant discount

it’s set in nyc yah

me: ok – i understand the situation now

HTML: how many lines is this?

me: googles #1 hit for sfaa is “Scottish Field Archery Association”

21:15 HTML: haha

me: “San Francisco Apartment Association”

HTML: can you go there and do a speical report?

scottish field archery

me: haha

that would be ideal

HTML: and i’ll go to sf apt. ass

me: cantonese field archery association

they’re sure to have an opinion

HTML: haha

UK humor is funny

me: hipsters is where they put their arrows

21:16 HTML: man, you are ‘free styling’

i’m worried that i’ll lose this IM

me: scottish free association association

HTML: how do i save it?

me: i have every faith in you. does tao lin have any nicknames?

21:17 HTML: no, seriously, how do i save this IM?

21:18 me: just google SFAA

use bing or something

“Surety & Fidelity Association of America”

HTML: jesus best, come on

how do i save this chat?

21:19 i IMed jereme dean for a chat, but he wasn’t there. he don’t like tao so i thought it would be more passionate, but this chat is cool too

21:20 me: oh damn – ok – feel like ‘under pressure’

HTML: yah i feel pressure too

if i post this on htmlgiant people in comments will be mean

it’s a rough crowd

21:21 me: you are right, it didn’t occur to me that you would post this on htmlgiant at first, i think i am a dumbass

HTML: no you are not

but this ain’t about you bro

we are supposed to talk about tao

21:22 me: ok

tao free association: neutral, haircut, chris killen, sweatervest, whale

HTML: oh yeah, killen

have you met him?

21:23 me: yes, i slept on his couch one time. i consider myself good friends with him

HTML: i recall seeing a clip of UK people like chris, you and david oprava

me: the electricity in his house ran out while i was there and there was an alarm warning chris that the alarm was about to turn off but he was asleep

HTML: and chris east

21:24 me: oh good – i have no idea what clip that is. i would like to see it

HTML: can’t remember how i saw it

me: i have seen a video chris made with tao lin in, where tao hid beneath a car

HTML: and that guy who edits red peter

21:25 me: KILLEN, chris

HTML: can’t remember name — he’s old sexy guy

me: yes

um… steve finbow

HTML: yah, finbow

me: today at work i had a picture of someone wearing a facebow

http://www.jensendental.com/artex/images/facebow-woman.jpg

21:26 HTML: lol

fuck

sucks to be facebowed

me: what kind of reaction would people have to a picture of tao wearing a facebow

?

HTML: haha

facebow, the new facebook

me: haha

HTML: i want to see tao in a facebow

with a neutral facial expression

21:27 me: yes please

HTML: he won’t do it though coz it’s not his kind of humor

me: oh wow ‘146 lines’

HTML: 146 lines what?

21:28 me: this so far
i am laughing

HTML: shit

this will take forever

me: some intense wild west music just started playing

ennio morricone

the magnitude of the task became clear

21:29 HTML: we need shoter sentences

me: yep

HTML: do increase lines

ok

like this

yah?

me: that’s true

that’s what tao would do

HTML: let’s speed this shit up

ok

good

me: also we should misssspel thing

HTML: man

we are doing good

me: ‘misspell’

and then correct ourselves

HTML: ‘yes’

21:30 me: is tao good at spelling?

i think so

HTML: yes

me: i remember

in gustaf #3

HTML: know what’s funny

me: all the big guns

except you and tao

had spelling mistakes

what’s funny?

tell me

HTML: tao was in bullfight review way back

before he was ‘famous’

and i remember seeing his name

21:31 and think “damn, another asian.”

me: damn

diluting the pool

HTML: now he’s famous and the asian slot is taken

me: how many asians were there back then?

also there is already a famous jimmy chen

HTML: not like him man

21:32 ha jin is famous

there’s a new writer tan lin

me: real chinese

HTML: that’s just a letter off

me: ‘xiaolu guo’

ha

HTML: dang, you know your chinese chris

awesome

me: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lin_Tan

HTML: i feel connected to you

21:33 me: 1982-????

HTML: like we could eat potstickers together

me: i don’t know what a potstickers is

HTML: jesus

it’s like a small calzone

me: ‘snickers’

oh good

HTML: gustaf 3

yah, u were in it

and me and tao

21:34 me: yes

it’s a nice device

HTML: and sam pink and brandon i think

me: to tie us all togeter

hhhhhh

and kgm, i think

HTML: yah

sometimes i worry that people think we’re all annoying

me: ‘conor oberst sex’

who?

‘azns’?

21:35 HTML: dang, too much abbrviation

me: i’m a pmp

‘lego tao lin’

21:36 HTML: i don’t get it

me: that’s ok

HTML: do you think tao would get his ass beat in a pub in london?

me: definitely not

HTML: why not?

21:37 me: i think people are not interested in chinese people over here

unless they are selling dvds

and even then

HTML: haha

me: the interest is only to say

‘have you heard of the internet?’

HTML: english are racist

me: in a patronising manner

that’s true

we still use ‘oriental’

but that is because we use the term ‘asian’

HTML: dang man

me: to refer to indians, pakistanis, sri lankans, bangladesh etc

21:38 HTML: chinese ppl aren’t interested in english people

except in hong kong

me: so we need a FRESH term to refer to the chinese and japanese

HTML: obviously

me: i think it’s really funny that britain ‘owned’ hong kong

even 15 years ago
seems dumb

HTML: yah, but no gin there

wtf

kong kong like cognac, not gin

21:39 me: tao gin

HTML: tao’s family live in taiwan

tell me what you know about taiwan

me: taowan

i think i know that even <50 years ago

21:40 taiwan and the mainland

were shooting cannnons at each other

but to save cannon balls

21:41 they did it on alternate days

HTML: crispin you are smart guy, i’m really impressed

me: and the cannonballs never reached

i know taiwan 101 is the ~4th tallest building in the world

and looks like a dragon’s erect penis

HTML: all i know about UK cliffs of dover

like were that poet wrote

longfellow or yeats

21:42 me: you mean eric johnson, i think

the guitar hero

HTML: no

poet

me: ha

ok

HTML: not guitar hero

do you know james yeh?

me: i have interacted with him maybe 3 times online

my (now ex) girlfriend thought he was very attractive

HTML: he’s another asian — reads for nyer i think

me: from a video he made with ellen frances

21:43 HTML: yah, he had hipster hair

me: where he did a tom waits stance

does tao have hipster hair?

HTML: tom waits lives in petaluma

me: what is ‘hockey hair’?

HTML: in california

me: have you ever met tom waits?

HTML: my friend saw him at the stoplight

me: i bet tom waits did not stop

HTML: i have not met waits

21:44 no, tom had stopped

me: he ‘waits’ed

HTML: i love that song ‘take it with me when i go’

or something

me: yeh – who cares what it’s called

HTML: yah

me: i am going to put some tom waits on

HTML: in this town there’s a house

in this house there’s a room

me: funnybones

HTML: and in that room is a woman

21:45 and in the woman is a heart i love

take it with me when i go

me: i have put it on

HTML: my co-worker is listening to phil collins

‘oh i wish it would rain down’

21:46 he came out

gay

me: i was about to ask – does your coworker wear the music trousers?

phil collins is gay?

HTML: yes, she has the strap on

i’m just a bitch here

once i listened to steve reich and ppl. said it made them nervous

me: tom just sang about ‘coney island’

is that near to where tao and james yeh are?

21:47 HTML: yah tao and james live on coney island with woody allen

you like with sid viscious and yeats

and i live with waits

me: and sarah michelle guellar

HTML: ur hair is like thom yorkes

what is our line count?

21:48 me: hipster hair?

HTML: sort of

me: we’re 7/10 of the way there

HTML: i have hairy asscheek hair

me: does tao lin care about wind power?

HTML: no

me: is he passionate about human rights?

HTML: its arbitrary universe or something

no

me: is he a scientologist?

HTML: no

21:49 i met him at his readings

me: that guy who directed CRASH just RENOUNCED his scientology

HTML: paul haggis?

me: yep

35 years

HTML: i love haggis — he did in the valley of elah

me: nancy cartright gave $10m to scientology

HTML: made me fcuking cry man

21:50 me: is paul dano in that movie?

HTML: dunno

tommy lee jones

had you read bed?

*have

me: just checked: only james franco repping vowel endings

i have read parts of bed

HTML: why only parts?

me: excerpts, stories, etc

i don’t know

21:51 i don’t own it

HTML: do hot chicks like tao?

me: i read it at fun’s while she was painting her walls

fun is pretty hot, she likes him

HTML: fun doesn’t sound hot

me: i think hot girls dig tao

HTML: based on her name

i think hot girls dig you too

i like UK hot girls

21:52 me: hot girls dig everything

HTML: no man

me: they hard carte blanche to dig

HTML: hot girls hate me

me: oh snap

HTML: cuz my jacket sucks

me: is it a red once, like in thriller/

?

HTML: and not ironic suck, but macy’s blowout sale suck

no that red jacket rocks

me: don’t you live in a ‘warm’ city?

HTML: my jacket is ‘men’s club’

21:53 like for old guys

sf can get really cold

me: yes i have been there 4 tiems

that’s weird

HTML: line count please…

me: 380

HTML: ok

more

lines

ok?

me: sure

i went to sf

and my friends

took me to coit tower

21:54 and i said ‘what is this?’

because i had never heard of coit tower

HTML: haha coit tower sucks

me: and they were upset

HTML: coit tower was made by a rich crazy lady

me: feel like coit tower is a dead end re: tao lin

HTML: i been to london once

21:55 remember ‘tooting beck’ station

me: did you have a ‘coit tower’ moment?

HTML: where i stayed

black line

me: ‘northern line’

HTML: i remember having a guiness and indian cab driver

me: ‘black drink’

‘black cab’

HTML: i saw rembrandt show

me: ‘tate’

HTML: i also had tea at notting hill

21:56 tried to bang a hot chick

no luck

me: daamn

it wasn’t like that scene from ‘rules of attraction’

IF YOU’VE SEEN THAT MOVIE

HTML: no i haven’t

me: ok – there was lots of ‘banging chicks’ in that scene

HTML: who would play tao in a movie about him?

me: in london and yerrup

HTML: (dont’ have to be asian)

21:57 me: haley joel osmond

HTML: haha

me: i think….

HTML: i think edward norton

me: shia lebouef

would do a good job

but would struggle with the ‘neutrality’ required

HTML: christopher walken could be ‘old tao’

21:58 me: haha

is tao intimidating?

HTML: tao will be fucked up wehn he’s old

me: like a walken

?

HTML: tao is not

he’s normal

21:59 on the shy side but normal

me: maybe walken is normal

HTML: walken is normal

have you seen that youtube

me: then it’s perfect

HTML: he making chicken?

me: i have never in my ife seen walken making chicken

HTML: it’s at his home making chicken

it’s awesome

me: i will search for it now

HTML: ok

send link so ppl can click

22:00 me: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=43VjLCRqKNk

chicken with pears

HTML: yah

walken is the old tao

fucking normal is shit

yawm

*yawn

me: so far this is minimalist

22:01 incredibly neutral and minimalist

HTML: include ur email

so tao can mail you book

i already have it

this is what you deserve

me: my email is ‘crispinendeavours@gmail.com‘

22:02 HTML: ok tao: send best sfaa

this only 500 lines but we deserve a 100 word discount since gene is bear parade

what is out word count?

me: we are at 450+

HTML: fuck

yah

this

is

awesome

word

count

to

your

22:03 mom

me: big

pmp

ing

HTML: *i mean line count

shit, got confused

do you know ani smith?

she’s in UK

me: she is an american

HTML: have you met her?

me: i have never met her

HTML: emailed?

me: ‘dear ani – let’s meet up’

i have interacted with ani

HTML: chris east

22:04 me: yes

chris east

exactly

HTML: east is cool

me: east is terrific

he is a musician

HTML: u are in that ?s about life n’ shit

right?

me: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NQeookXhnb8

yes

so is ani

HTML: UK is all musicians — bono, radiohead, pink floyd

me: and you

22:05 yes

ringo

HTML: i know metallica riffs

i learned in high school

‘seek and destoy’

and ‘master of puppets’

but i cheat and ‘skid’ the F-note cuz it’s too fast

*skip

me: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x3_rsg2yvkw

metallica

HTML: fuck yah

22:06 metallica is from california too

so is faith no more

me: not the drummer

he is ‘yerpeen’

HTML: lars is from denmark?

me: he must be

HTML: he is hamlet

me: 505

HTML: fuck yah

ok crispin

thank you

i will post on htmlg and get tao send you book

Crispin: i am still hoping you are secretly a hobot

thank you, html/chen

me: i’m no hobot

ask me what color something is

Crispin: moon

me: depends on time of day

ok bye bye

Crispin: x

me: shit

where is this IM stored?

Crispin: ‘chats’

hold up

me: email me entire chat

i can’t find

Crispin: done

except it’s from ‘my perspective’