Craft Notes
Wack Bible Stories, by Ben White
After my last Wack Bible Stories post, Nanoism editor Ben White left some interesting comments. I got the sense that he knew more cool stuff about the Bible as it pertains to writing and asked him to contribute a guest post. He quickly obliged, with this great, gross story:
Lifestyle and Writing Advice from the Bible.
Watch Fox News long enough and you’ll hear that somewhere in the Bible something happens, something about “spilling seed,” and for that reason both masturbation and all forms of contraception are wrong. Your gut instinct might tell you that the story involves a mother surprising her son in his section of the tent when he’s home “sick” from Torah study, but it’s actually the story of Onan (Genesis 38:9-10):
Onan’s brother is a wicked dude, so God slays him (this is par for the Old Testament). Onan’s father convinces Onan to sleep with his dead brother’s wife Tamar in order to produce an heir (an important precedent for the yes-it’s-totally-okay-to-marry-your-dead-brother’s-wife rule). Onan, good son/brother that he is, sleeps with Tamar but—but—at the last second backs out and finishes on the floor:
And Onan knew that the seed would not be his; and it came to pass when he went in unto his brother’s wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest he should give seed to his brother.
And the thing which he did was evil in the sight of the LORD; and He slew him also.
Now it’s unclear whether the evil thing was not wanting to father his brother’s children or littering (or even trying to get to “know” your brother’s widow, for that matter), so what’s the real lesson here?
1. Characters die, sometimes for strange reasons and in strange ways. Sometimes characters just need to die.
2. Sometimes even the things that seem like a good idea at the time have bad results.
What else did you learn?
Tags: Ben White, wack bible stories
“Knowing” (your brother’s widow) is half the battle?
“Knowing” (your brother’s widow) is half the battle?
For one thing, pay attention to what’s going on around you. In the O.T. when someone gives you advice, it is probably from the Mouth of God, probably to set you up, like a mean trap/snare God knows you will just have to trip on yourself because you are a fucked up human, like, Hey don’t look back at a burning city–and who doesn’t want to see a whole city burning?And who doesn’t look when they shouldn’t look, at anything?–and so BAM your ass is salt!
Possibly with all this violence and setting up deadly pranks and cruelty to animals, God is a bored seven year old who has no dad, mom, or dog. (However, we have no evidence of God bed wetting, that I know.)
So, really the lesson for Onan is to be really careful when someone says, “Hey, go sleep with…” because that’s like taking your new Digital Cam down to the coast of Ninevah because someone told you there were some whales breaching near the coast you should photograph…
Second lesson, God sees you when you masturbate. Let’s clear that, because you have to get over that to successfully do the deed, like have that day where you go, “OK, God, you are watching me, but I’m like an adult film actor here, and yes there are cameras and fans and big-ass skeletal lighting and photographers (for the soft porn rights, etc.) and hangers on and the director and it’s kind of cold for the computer equipment but I have to shoot this load–I’m a pro.”
So that’s the two lessons that come to my mind right now.
This is the origin of the saying, No use crying over spilled milk (because god’s going to slay you anyways).
This is the origin of the saying, No use crying over spilled milk (because god’s going to slay you anyways).
Someone analyse the bit in the bible where Abraham’s (is it abraham? it’s one of the ‘names’, possibly moses) daughters get him drunk so that he will sleep with one of them.
Someone analyse the bit in the bible where Abraham’s (is it abraham? it’s one of the ‘names’, possibly moses) daughters get him drunk so that he will sleep with one of them.
Lot.
Lot.
This is awesome.
We need a religion tag.
This is awesome.
We need a religion tag.
It reads as if the reasons God slew Onan were because of (1) Onan’s pride of wanting his own heirs, (2) his disrespect for his father’s wishes, and (3) his inability to honor his dead brother.
It reads as if the reasons God slew Onan were because of (1) Onan’s pride of wanting his own heirs, (2) his disrespect for his father’s wishes, and (3) his inability to honor his dead brother.
thought id heard the word onan somewhere before in realtion to masterbation. i like how specific this is tho. Onanism means: “The withdraw of the penis from the vagina before ejaculation.”
thought id heard the word onan somewhere before in realtion to masterbation. i like how specific this is tho. Onanism means: “The withdraw of the penis from the vagina before ejaculation.”
How interesting. I do enjoy the stories in the bible. So violent and sexy.
How interesting. I do enjoy the stories in the bible. So violent and sexy.
Nice illustration of this — no kidding! — in R. Crumb’s recent Genesis. But whenever I hear the story Onan, I’m reminded that Dorothy Parker named her Parrot Onan, because he spilled his seed upon the ground.
Nice illustration of this — no kidding! — in R. Crumb’s recent Genesis. But whenever I hear the story Onan, I’m reminded that Dorothy Parker named her Parrot Onan, because he spilled his seed upon the ground.
I saw this: http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/03/books/review/Kermode-t.html in the store the other day and nearly shit my pants.
Will be getting my money together for that.
I saw this: http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/03/books/review/Kermode-t.html in the store the other day and nearly shit my pants.
Will be getting my money together for that.
I tend to agree, and its an interesting view–I think–because it raises further questions:
1) Why honor a brother so wicked that God himself feels compelled to destroy him?
2) Exactly how far are we to take “honor your father and your mother”?
and especially
3) What, if anything, does this really have to do with “spilling seed,” and are some people maybe missing the point? After all, surely God knows that (s)he endowed males with a nearly limitless supply of manseed, and that the only damage a misplaced load or two is going to do is make a mess.
I tend to agree, and its an interesting view–I think–because it raises further questions:
1) Why honor a brother so wicked that God himself feels compelled to destroy him?
2) Exactly how far are we to take “honor your father and your mother”?
and especially
3) What, if anything, does this really have to do with “spilling seed,” and are some people maybe missing the point? After all, surely God knows that (s)he endowed males with a nearly limitless supply of manseed, and that the only damage a misplaced load or two is going to do is make a mess.
In the story, Lot and his two daughters are living in a cave. Lot’s daughters only because they want to preserve the family line by producing an heir (and their mother was turned to salt). Lot is so drunk that he’s actually blackout drunk and doesn’t even realize what’s happening.
This is of course after Lot offers up his then virgin daughters to satisfy the men of Sodom in order to spare visiting angels from being raped.
In the story, Lot and his two daughters are living in a cave. Lot’s daughters only because they want to preserve the family line by producing an heir (and their mother was turned to salt). Lot is so drunk that he’s actually blackout drunk and doesn’t even realize what’s happening.
This is of course after Lot offers up his then virgin daughters to satisfy the men of Sodom in order to spare visiting angels from being raped.
There is a commandment of being fruitful and multiplying in Genesis. Any kind of sexual activity that can’t lead to pregnancy is therefore a sin, and a rather serious one.
In modern Hebrew, Onanism (Onanut) refers to masturbation and not coitus interraptus and many Rabbis still teach that spilling one’s seed in vain (including using condoms) is a very grave sin en par with sodomy and abortion.
Onan was just made an example of, methinks.
There is a commandment of being fruitful and multiplying in Genesis. Any kind of sexual activity that can’t lead to pregnancy is therefore a sin, and a rather serious one.
In modern Hebrew, Onanism (Onanut) refers to masturbation and not coitus interraptus and many Rabbis still teach that spilling one’s seed in vain (including using condoms) is a very grave sin en par with sodomy and abortion.
Onan was just made an example of, methinks.
Relatively few Rabbis teach that way (certainly in the US) because that’s a logical leap. Having sex to produce offspring is an obligation and a good deed. It doesn’t follow that the converse being a sin is necessarily true at all. Judaism on the whole also has some of the most permissive views on contraception and abortion. Obviously it depends on who you talk to. Rabbinic law is more than half a historical popularity contest.
Relatively few Rabbis teach that way (certainly in the US) because that’s a logical leap. Having sex to produce offspring is an obligation and a good deed. It doesn’t follow that the converse being a sin is necessarily true at all. Judaism on the whole also has some of the most permissive views on contraception and abortion. Obviously it depends on who you talk to. Rabbinic law is more than half a historical popularity contest.
[…] the request of Publishing Genius’ Adam Robinson, I wrote a guest post at HTMLGIANT about the fascinating story of Onan: And Onan knew that the seed would not be his; and it came to […]
The lesson we learn here is that texts–and even the Bible–often provide their own commentary. What’s required is a close and thorough reading:
Deuteronomy 25:5-10 (New King James Version)
Marriage Duty of the Surviving Brother
5 “If brothers dwell together, and one of them dies and has no son, the widow of the dead man shall not be married to a stranger outside the family; her husband’s brother shall go in to her, take her as his wife, and perform the duty of a husband’s brother to her. 6 And it shall be that the firstborn son which she bears will succeed to the name of his dead brother, that his name may not be blotted out of Israel. 7 But if the man does not want to take his brother’s wife, then let his brother’s wife go up to the gate to the elders, and say, ‘My husband’s brother refuses to raise up a name to his brother in Israel; he will not perform the duty of my husband’s brother.’ 8 Then the elders of his city shall call him and speak to him. But if he stands firm and says, ‘I do not want to take her,’ 9 then his brother’s wife shall come to him in the presence of the elders, remove his sandal from his foot, spit in his face, and answer and say, ‘So shall it be done to the man who will not build up his brother’s house.’ 10 And his name shall be called in Israel, ‘The house of him who had his sandal removed.’
In short, the story doesn’t have anything to do with masturbation. By deliberately spilling his seed, Onan was also deliberately ignoring the Law of his God and his people. And he meant to get away with it preventing his brothers widow from having the recourse of branding him a no-sandal wearing, non-sister-in-law-schlepping son of Israel. After all, everybody saw him go in to her, they just didn’t know that he came out.
The real question here is this: how does the author know about God’s alleged reason for slaying Onan? I’m thinking that a Old Testament version of the Cheaters crew snuck in with his wife to catch him in the act, and instead found him lying dead by his brother’s widow with a wilting hard-on and fresh puddle on the goat’s-hair rug.
Also, since he’s dead and his brother is dead as well, then his own line will not be continued, because he no longer has a brother to “continue to the line” on his behalf… the evil he wished to visit on his brother’s head was visited upon his own… so, he lived by the golden rule, and I guess he got was coming to him.
The lesson we learn here is that texts–and even the Bible–often provide their own commentary. What’s required is a close and thorough reading:
Deuteronomy 25:5-10 (New King James Version)
Marriage Duty of the Surviving Brother
5 “If brothers dwell together, and one of them dies and has no son, the widow of the dead man shall not be married to a stranger outside the family; her husband’s brother shall go in to her, take her as his wife, and perform the duty of a husband’s brother to her. 6 And it shall be that the firstborn son which she bears will succeed to the name of his dead brother, that his name may not be blotted out of Israel. 7 But if the man does not want to take his brother’s wife, then let his brother’s wife go up to the gate to the elders, and say, ‘My husband’s brother refuses to raise up a name to his brother in Israel; he will not perform the duty of my husband’s brother.’ 8 Then the elders of his city shall call him and speak to him. But if he stands firm and says, ‘I do not want to take her,’ 9 then his brother’s wife shall come to him in the presence of the elders, remove his sandal from his foot, spit in his face, and answer and say, ‘So shall it be done to the man who will not build up his brother’s house.’ 10 And his name shall be called in Israel, ‘The house of him who had his sandal removed.’
In short, the story doesn’t have anything to do with masturbation. By deliberately spilling his seed, Onan was also deliberately ignoring the Law of his God and his people. And he meant to get away with it preventing his brothers widow from having the recourse of branding him a no-sandal wearing, non-sister-in-law-schlepping son of Israel. After all, everybody saw him go in to her, they just didn’t know that he came out.
The real question here is this: how does the author know about God’s alleged reason for slaying Onan? I’m thinking that a Old Testament version of the Cheaters crew snuck in with his wife to catch him in the act, and instead found him lying dead by his brother’s widow with a wilting hard-on and fresh puddle on the goat’s-hair rug.
Also, since he’s dead and his brother is dead as well, then his own line will not be continued, because he no longer has a brother to “continue to the line” on his behalf… the evil he wished to visit on his brother’s head was visited upon his own… so, he lived by the golden rule, and I guess he got was coming to him.
Or maybe its a lesson against feeding birds in the park.
Or maybe its a lesson against feeding birds in the park.
Can anyone list some “Thou shalt not masturbate” passages? I don’t feel that this is a proper example because it’s unclear what God though was evil.
Can anyone list some “Thou shalt not masturbate” passages? I don’t feel that this is a proper example because it’s unclear what God though was evil.
Genesis 38:9-10 ESV / 9 helpful votes
But Onan knew that the offspring would not be his. So whenever he went in to his brother’s wife he would waste the semen on the ground, so as not to give offspring to his brother. And what he did was wicked in the sight of the Lord, and he put him to death also.
Genesis 38:9-10 ESV / 9 helpful votes
But Onan knew that the offspring would not be his. So whenever he went in to his brother’s wife he would waste the semen on the ground, so as not to give offspring to his brother. And what he did was wicked in the sight of the Lord, and he put him to death also.
haha I should have read the post first
haha I should have read the post first
There really aren’t any in the Hebrew bible. This story is the main one cited. The other argument is just an extension of the “be fruitful and multiple” decree, the idea being that if your if you’re busy jerking, you’re not busy making babies. Historically, most rabbis/priests/etc have condemned the practice over time (presumably because it’s naughty, and they’re uptight), but the scriptural basis for it isn’t particularly strong.
There really aren’t any in the Hebrew bible. This story is the main one cited. The other argument is just an extension of the “be fruitful and multiple” decree, the idea being that if your if you’re busy jerking, you’re not busy making babies. Historically, most rabbis/priests/etc have condemned the practice over time (presumably because it’s naughty, and they’re uptight), but the scriptural basis for it isn’t particularly strong.
This is probably me, but I dislike contemplating sex in the Bible. Getting that amount of freak on in the desert? Just the thought makes me chafe.
This is probably me, but I dislike contemplating sex in the Bible. Getting that amount of freak on in the desert? Just the thought makes me chafe.
Or eating your sesame bagel messily.
Or eating your sesame bagel messily.
I imagine they hate it due to they’re seeing it as a catastrophic waste of socks.
I imagine they hate it due to they’re seeing it as a catastrophic waste of socks.
The intent is painfully clear to a sober reader, yet has been taken out of context by many who want to accept their own readings.
This is what is evil: God says ‘It’s your duty to give your brother’s wife a male child to carry on their family, so for that very limited purpose you should sleep with her’
Onan, being an incredible douche, takes to sleeping with his sister in law, but just for the sex. He doesn’t impregnate her because he knows that if he does, he can’t rightfully sleep with her anymore.
This has nothing to do with masturbation (there is not one specific proscription in the bible about masturbation. The closest you can get are jewish laws about semen being unclean and the vague, proscriptions against “lusting” which one can argue is necessary for masturbation.
The intent is painfully clear to a sober reader, yet has been taken out of context by many who want to accept their own readings.
This is what is evil: God says ‘It’s your duty to give your brother’s wife a male child to carry on their family, so for that very limited purpose you should sleep with her’
Onan, being an incredible douche, takes to sleeping with his sister in law, but just for the sex. He doesn’t impregnate her because he knows that if he does, he can’t rightfully sleep with her anymore.
This has nothing to do with masturbation (there is not one specific proscription in the bible about masturbation. The closest you can get are jewish laws about semen being unclean and the vague, proscriptions against “lusting” which one can argue is necessary for masturbation.