Four Outfits for Mitt Romney
The Mitt Romney campaign is in a terrible tailspin. He trails Barack Obama in almost all major polls. The poor little Mormon actually has to stop attending fundraisers so that he can be out on the campaign trail more (and, even when he’s out and about, Romney proves to be so unentertaining that he must stump with more exciting Republicans). Then there’s the 47 percent comment. Mitt, honey, if you want people to like you, you shouldn’t call them losers.
But tomorrow’s debate brings hope (to use Obama’s word). What can Romney say in the debate that will swing the momentum in his direction? Need Romney say anything? Can Romney convey a stronger message using only his clothes? Obviously. Here’s four outfits from Paris Fashion Week that Romney should wear in order to regain the upper hand.
Romney needs to be more scary. With pins sticking out of his head and a flesh-toned bank robber’s mask, Romney becomes the paragon of horror. Republicans are frightening creatures (which is why they captivate me). They don’t like gays, sex, women, men, light bulbs, earth, health care. Republicans are humans’ enemies. They are monsters. Romney’s party is still unenthused by him. With this outfit, he’ll reinforce his monsterhood (i.e Republican credentials).
One of my favorite movies involves Dinosaurs. It’s entitled The Land Before Time. It’s a splendid story of sweetness, courage, quarrels, meekness, death, mommies, and prelapsarian goals. Anybody with any taste whatsoever likes this movie as well. Mitt will surely sway voters over to his side by conjuring up the great 1988 animation film.
Bold stripes is what Romney needs because Romney needs to be bold. The Bain boy’s policy proposals are very equivocal. Will he really attack Iran (that’d be exciting)? What will he replace Obamacare with? What does his budget look like? Why are his tax returns being kept under wraps? There’s too many question marks affixed to Mitt. American voters don’t like to ask questions. They are stupid and don’t know how.
Pink is a lovely color. It’s easy on the eyes. It’s also the color of Hostess strawberry cakes. These sugary, creamy, fluffy edibles are sensational. When one eats them, all other things become insignificant (including losing your health care, your home, and your wife, who left you because you’re no longer man enough for her since you lost your union job manufacturing some burly thingamabob). Yes, indeed, if I were a Romney supervisor I’d suggest that he embrace this pink Chloé dress pronto.