How to become the most famous author in the world, a guest post by Mark Baumer

Posted by @ 1:55 pm on December 1st, 2009

Mark Baumer, of Everyday Yeah and the Brown MFA blog, writes in with some tips on writing gleaned from what last week or the week before was the #1 movie in America…

2012

John Cusack or Jackson Curtis wrote a book called Farewell Atlantis.  In the year 2012, according to the movie 2012, it will become the most famous book in the world.  Everything I’ve read about Jackson Curtis leads me to believe he was very forward thinking.  It was obvious from watching the movie that he had planned his rise in the publishing game long before the world came to an end and flooded and repositioned itself despite an original print run of less than 500 copies.

Here is a list of everything Jackson Curtis did to become the world’s most famous author.  I’d like to point out that this list doubles as a nice how-to guide for becoming the most famous living author after the world has killed itself.

1.  A few days before the end of the world wake up late and make excuses about the traffic when your ex-wife calls and asks why you having picked up the kids yet.

2.  Take the limo when your Jeep doesn’t start.

3.  Wave to the plastic surgeon dude who is boning your ex-wife only because his skills are important later in the movie.

4.  Drive limo to Yellowstone National Park while singing songs with daughter in the front seat.  Ignore your son in the backseat.  He is being a little douche bag.  Let him listen to the music.  Don’t worry, he won’t be completely useless his whole life.

5.  At Yellowstone, climb over fences marked with trespassing signs.  Ignore the dead elks roasting on the former lake where you and your wife used to have sex.

6.  Make friends with the head scientist for the United States who is leading up the investigation on the end of the world.  This will only be possible if the head scientist’s father has already read your book and has given it to his son.  Make sure the father of the head scientist investigating the end of the world has read your book before you trespass at Yellowstone.

7.  Ask your daughter if she still wets the bed.

8.  Hang out in Woody Harrelson’s camper.  Take his last beer.

9.  Bring kids home early when ex-wife freaks out over an earthquake at the supermarket.

10.  Don’t believe the government when they say, “The worst is over.”

11.  Drive the limo back to the ex-wife’s house screaming like a motherfucker.

12.  Throw everyone in the limo when the earthquakes hit again and tell your daughter to ‘fuck the hat collection’ when she insists on going back in the collapsing house.

13.  Drive the limo through some computer generated mayhem.  Say cool things John Cusack would say.

14.  Tell the plastic surgeon who’s boning your ex-wife to man up and drive the plane.

15.  Fly to Yellowstone to hang out with Woody Harrelson.

16.  Find a map that says ‘China’.  Tell everyone the plan is to fly to China.

17.  Get a bigger plane in Las Vegas.  Hang out with some Russian billionaires.

18.  Decide to crash land in China, but drive a BMW out of the plane before it crashes.

19.  Catch a ride to the ships from a Chinese monk in the Dali Lama’s pickup.

20.  Danny Glover is the president, but he is dead.  Some John F. Kennedy navy shit wrecked his life.

21.  Wave goodbye to the Russian Billionaire who gets a helicopter ride to the ships.

22.  Tell your ex-wife to convince an old Chinese woman to convince her son to let you on the ship.

23.  Sneak on a ship with an old Chinese woman, her husband, her son, the Chinese monk, your children, your ex-wife, the plastic surgeon boning your ex-wife, and the Russian Billionaire’s girlfriend who was ditched by the Russian Billionaire.

24.  Don’t laugh when the plastic surgeon boning your ex-wife dies.  Pretend you’re scared when you see the ship is going to crash into Mount Everest.

25.  Be the last one to come up for air when the ship starts to flood, fake your own death for three seconds after you unwrap the wire that is restricting the loading dock from closing so your ex-wife falls back into love with you.

26.  Ignore the fact that 95% of the world is dead and pump your fist in the air like you’re a champion.

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