February 26th, 2009 / 4:35 pm
Contests & Web Hype
Opium’s Network of Writers Experiment
The “Opium’s Network of Writers Experiment” is seeking quotes about writing one writer passes along to another. The latter writer is to submit the quote to Opium. (I don’t think either writer needs to be ‘famous,’ though I may be wrong.)
The Lost Generation had Paris, we have the internet. Short of any idealistic ‘organic’ ‘philosophizing over absinthe’ process, I think it would be most effective to streamline this son of a bitch by posting a comment about writing – as an open submission of sorts – for anyone to pick-off and relay to Opium if they wish. The deadline is March 3.
So, two things will be done: 1) leave a comment about writing (with full-name as you wish to be cited), and/or 2) pick a quote you like and submit it to Opium.
Here are examples provided by Opium (which seem a little stuffy and pedantic to me, so let’s show those kids how it’s really done):
“Writing a book is a marathon, not a sprint. Write around 700 words a day and then stop.” –Mieke Eerkens was told by Vikram Chandra.
“You shouldn’t write a novel unless you have an idea for one.” –Jamey Genna was told by Lewis Buzbee.
Submit appropriated quotes here: opiumwritersexperiment@gmail.com
In narcissistic delight, here’s my quote, if any of you want:
“No double-spaces or cramps after the period.”
God damn I’m subtle.
Tags: zuniga stole tom wolfe's suit
“If you have to blow somebody to get ahead in the literary world, don’t swallow.”
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February 26th, 2009 / 4:43 pmJimmy Chen—
you are a class act pr.
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“Writing is like surfing, mostly you get hit over the head by a board and snarf up salt water, but at least you get to smoke abig fattie afterward with hot, shirtless guys.”
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“Don’t give up!!!!”
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“Man must write because he can’t, like, cut open his chest and pull his heart out and squeeze blood all over the place.”
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February 26th, 2009 / 7:07 pmjames yeh—
who said that
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February 26th, 2009 / 8:20 pmpr—
I did!
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“Once, I was writing a book, and I, like, totally blew chunks all over the place.”
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February 26th, 2009 / 4:48 pmJimmy Chen—
lol
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“Writing can cure constipation.”
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“If you are writing and your fingers start feeling all funny and numb and look all crooked and deformed like the witch’s in Wizard of Oz, take a nice little break and drink some chamomile tea.”
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fucking justin’s hungover and he writes a deep post contemplating greatness in poetry and makes us all look dumb and when I’m hungover I make barf and shit jokes.
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“Once, I was writing a book, and, like, all four of my cats started circling me slowly and methodically and purring really loudly and it was really distracting until I realized that is was producing some serious magic in my writing and so I recommend four cats for every writer, especially the magical kind.”
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If you rub writing on your hemmorroids, they go away!”
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“If you’re writing and a unicorn doesn’t appear in your living room, maybe you should think about being a truck driver instead.”
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I have one of those hangovers where your eyes are all teary and sometimes if you stand up you get dizzy and I worry about stroking.
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also, i miss jereme.
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“If you are not getting ass fucked nightly by aliens, you will never be as good as Hemingway.”
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“Sometimes, as a writer, while writing, I like to take a break and play itsy bitsy spider with myself for inspiration.”
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“is it okay to want to kill a small child if you are also a child or wish you were one?” rob rip to barmum
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fuck
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“start with the blowjob”
-sam lipsyte possibly summoning gordon lish
“escalating honesty”
-george saunders at a lecture
“ending is stopping without sucking”
-george saunders in an essay
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February 26th, 2009 / 7:08 pmjames yeh—
there’s something narrative in there, i think
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February 26th, 2009 / 8:21 pmpr—
i like that last one of saunders, good one.
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February 28th, 2009 / 3:59 pmSam Lipsyte—
James, I wasn’t summoning him, I was quoting him. But perhaps I was summoning him as well!
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February 28th, 2009 / 10:04 pmpr—
HI Sam! How are you? Miss you dude.
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i thought this would be serious
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February 26th, 2009 / 7:49 pmBlake Butler—
dead serious
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are you serious jimmy?
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February 26th, 2009 / 7:34 pmJimmy Chen—
yah, i wanted to provide a tool.
i can feel a joke coming…
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February 26th, 2009 / 9:32 pmkeith n b—
jimmy, your sincerity touches me.
i too can feel a joke coming…
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in an attempt to be serious, i offer this to jimmy:
“writing is like picking at a scab. i keep picking at it until it bleeds. then i know i’ve done all i can.”
personally though, i think pr’s ones about unicorns and ass-fucking aliens are way, way better.
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February 26th, 2009 / 9:11 pmpr—
Dude! You have to try to peel the scab off in one piece and then put it in a special place and look at it from time to time.! That’s what I do with my scabs.
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uncross your legs if you are sitting with your legs crossed while you are writing or your legs will hurt
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pr, you are a genius.
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I was hoping for at least one gem in this pile of floundering type! I guess everyone’s going to have to continue to pay $40k for an MFA, instead.
Still, to jumpstart the possibility of usable quotes, I offer up my favorite from Opium7:
““Keep a low overhead, and never live with anyone who doesn’t support your work.” –Dawn Corrigan was told by Grace Paley.
But that’s a little useful, so there’s this: “Life’s too short for fucking Ulysses.”
Justin Taylor was told by David Gates.
And this one, to keep the profanity angle alive:
“If you set out to write a poem about two dogs fucking, and you write a poem
about two dogs fucking, then you’ve written a poem about two dogs fucking.” –Ryan MacDonald was told by Gerald Stern.
Now get to writing something useful!
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February 26th, 2009 / 8:45 pmJimmy Chen—
Life’s too long for fucking Basho
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Thanks Ryan and Keith, for liking some of my quotes. I like you both.
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my first semester faculty advisor in grad school, when i told him i wanted to work with him said, “Great, I’m going to kick your ass.”
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February 26th, 2009 / 8:31 pmTodd Zuniga—
Love it.
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February 26th, 2009 / 8:34 pmryan—
yeah, it was a golden moment. granted, i did go on to tell him that he used one word too repetitively in one of his novels, so i guess i evened it out.
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Personally, I think “don’t give up” is useful, Todd. Also, there is a link to your real thingy, so I bet you’ll get some real ones! Right?
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February 26th, 2009 / 8:32 pmTodd Zuniga—
Agreed, and of course useful ones will flow. And I do actually like many of yours, as I’m incorporating them now.
I thought “floundering type” was over-the-toppily funny!
“Don’t get kicked in the face by a horse.” Todd Zuniga was told by Jason Anderson in his high-school yearbook.
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February 26th, 2009 / 8:52 pmpr—
nice. ok. you don’t think i’m evil. now i can feel better.
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“floundering type’ hurt my feelings. But I like you anyway, Todd. And your journal.
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i like everything pr said better than anything else anyone else said to anyone else.
and honestly, these are two of the worst pieces of advice i’ve ever seen:
“Writing a book is a marathon, not a sprint. Write around 700 words a day and then stop.” –Mieke Eerkens was told by Vikram Chandra.
“You shouldn’t write a novel unless you have an idea for one.” –Jamey Genna was told by Lewis Buzbee.
i still love opium. but that’s pee.
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February 26th, 2009 / 8:36 pmpr—
Hey Blake. thanks. I like Opium too. I just was really hungover earlier. Also, sometimes my stupidity can actually inspire people to be smart! Or something? Plus, Jimmy started it with his menstruation joke. Blame Jimmy!
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February 26th, 2009 / 8:37 pmblake—
writing advice is like a shirt.
its like a shirt.
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February 26th, 2009 / 8:51 pmpr—
Sometimes it fits just right, and sometimes it’s too small and makes you walk around with armpit stains due to the wrong sizedness of it.
February 26th, 2009 / 9:14 pmTodd Zuniga—
Seriously? I think the novel one is the best one in the entire book. That’s one of two pieces of advice I tell everyone–most people are encouraged to write novels, because agents/publishers tell them their short fiction won’t sell.
I think if you don’t have an idea for a novel, write a short story.
The other advice I always tell people is: “The only person in a hurry for your book to be published is you.” (Meaning: chill the fuck out, and edit it until it’s ready, and chill the fuck out and let it go through the process of hopefully being published.)
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February 26th, 2009 / 9:23 pmpr—
Two things – shouldn’t are not good. Anyone says “shouldn’t ” to me, I’ll do it.
Also, 700 words a day and then stop- if that sounds nice to your ears, then great. But Greene wrote 350 a day at the end of his life. And I think it’s safe to say DFW wrote a lot more than that when writing Infinite Jest. So, it’s the shirt thing. Sometimes advice fits. Sometimes not. That is what is cool about your project. Undoubtedly, you’ll get conflicting quotes there.
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February 26th, 2009 / 9:25 pmBlake Butler—
yeah, i think its dangerous to put that kind of limitation on oneself. the best things i’ve ever felt i’ve written were almost across the board written in mass gushes in long sittings of words. there’s a big thing about writing where people think its supposed to be some kind of enormous labor. that is daunting. it does not have to be that way.
whatever way it takes for you to say what you want to say is the way it should be said.
February 26th, 2009 / 9:28 pmBlake Butler—
also, the less i know about what i am writing before i begin, the better. for me. which is why prescriptive teaching to me seems stifling.
I also want to apolgize to Todd if he feels I am making fun of his project. I am not. I have had mentors and they have said important things to me. I had two things I was thinking of sending in- even talked to one person to confirm the quote….
Anyway, I love your project, I am a subscriber to your journal, I just really enjoy being silly here.
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February 26th, 2009 / 9:17 pmTodd Zuniga—
I rarely, if ever, feel made fun of in a way I don’t like. I’m the last of eight, so love the attention.
Also: the project is impenetrable! Haha. I kid.
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“Use your fucking imagination.” -Tim O’Brien
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‘Write a novel. It might turn out to be an okay novel.’
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‘Instead of being a writer, be a fisherman.’
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‘Learn how to play piano, it’s sort of like typing.’
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‘Writing is like a marathon, if you run faster than everyone else, you’ll win first place and get to hold some flowers.’
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‘First learn how to speak English.”
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‘Write novel by typing with your nose. It’s a technique.’
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‘Write about society. There’s a topic.’
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‘Taking a writing course. Couldn’t hurt.’
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‘Try thinking about pencils and pens and erasers. Office supplies.’
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‘Did you have a rough childhood? If so, well, there you go.’
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‘How long does it take you to write a novel? For me it depends.’
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‘Typing is something women only mostly did. Now everyone’s doing it. It’s kinda funny.’
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‘Give up. Or not.’
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‘It’s all in the wrist.’
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‘Go to your room and think about what you’ve done.’
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‘If you’re going to write about sex, have some first.’
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‘Don’t try to write stories until you’ve finished your homework.’
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‘Read the dictionary first. There’s all the words you’ll need.’
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February 27th, 2009 / 4:38 pmjames yeh—
funny
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‘First, write an outline.’
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‘Never write an outline.’
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‘Writing is like driving in the woods at night, so watch out for deer.’
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‘Writing is like seeing the tips of icebergs. What’s underneath the tip? Just more iceberg.’
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‘If you decide to write a novel, don’t forget to continue to do the laundry.’
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‘Stop writing so much. Take it easy.’
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‘There are other career paths. I’m just saying. Tattoo artist for example.’
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‘Before you stop writing that novel, remember there are millions of children in Africa who are not writing.’
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‘Ride shotgun more often. Trust me.’
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‘I don’t think you can do it. You’re just horrible.’
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‘There are so many things around the house that need to be fixed and you’re writing a novel?’
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‘Instead of writing a novel, just say you wrote one.’
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‘Do you have a computer? I’d suggest getting one. That or make sure you have a lot of paper. At least a couple hundred sheets.’
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‘Before writing a novel, design the cover.’
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‘Should you have a glass of wine? Sure.’
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‘If your plot’s running away from you, it’s okay. It’s a marathon.’
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‘If you hate the book you’re writing, don’t stop writing it. It’s a marathon.’
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‘Marathon.’
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‘Can you even write a coherent sentence? Try it.’
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‘Learn the basics. The fundamentals.’
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‘Instead of writing, join a writer’s community.’
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“Before you start writing a novel, look for an agent.’
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‘Learn French. It’s the language of the future.’
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‘Writing is like fishing. You’ve got to find a hook first.’
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‘Try reading some novels. Have you ever even read a novel?’
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‘Everyone’s writing about penguins these days. It’s gold.’
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‘Postpostmodernism. Look into it.’
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‘Don’t use your five-year-old’s desk. Get one that fits.’
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‘Another way to get girls is to just work out more.’
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‘All writers write. Be original–a writer who doesn’t write.’
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‘Have you tried chewing gum while writing? I haven’t. Give it a shot.’
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‘Writing is like fishing. Another day wasted.’
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‘Video games are so much fun these days. Try them, if you ever stop writing.’
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‘If you want your novel to ever see the light of day, take it outside.’
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February 27th, 2009 / 2:22 pmVince—
As the author of three unpublished novels, I would say this is the best advice one can give an aspiring writer.
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‘While you’re writing, stop and ask yourself, Would I prefer talking?’
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‘Be bored more. Most writers are bored while they are writing. It’s why most books are boring.’
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‘Write a story that people will like.’
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‘Don’t worry about your credit card debt. The advance for your first novel will take care of it.’
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‘Be careful with that ebook. It’s made out of electricity.’
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‘Make sure you book is heavier than everyone else’s. Only the strong books survive.’
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‘Take an accounting course. It will inspire you to keep your checkbook balanced.’
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‘If you are blind, you’ll have to rely on technology to be a writer.’
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‘Writing is like playing chess but with only one person and with words and sentences instead of chess pieces and a piece of paper or a screen instead of a chess board and writing tips instead of chess strategy.’
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‘Writing is a game of cat and mouse. How?’
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‘Writing might take the fun out of your life. Or it might make life funner. It’s your life.’
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‘Remember that if you finish writing that book, your mom might be proud.’
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‘What year is it? You don’t even know because you’ve been writing that book for so long.’
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‘What’s so great about books? They’re just things that sit on shelves. Like the spices in your cupboard you never use. Like all those cookbooks you never read. Like all those pictures of your family you moved away from. Like all those dead batteries you’re collecting because someone told you you couldn’t throw them away.’
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March 3rd, 2009 / 2:02 amJamey Genna—
Who the heck is darby–you’re cracking me up.
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holy shit…. that was…. it was…. that was…. just…. beautiful
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Best to get out of the business while you can. No one wants to be a writer. Not if they are sane.
- –
Okay,
Father Luke
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If you can’t write the truth, that’s ok – there is no truth.
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Drink lots of tea so that you have to pee a lot and then you’ll have natural breaks in your writing so that you don’t get burnt out. A pee break is just long enough to refocus your eyes on a variety of distances and just short enough that you won’t get caught up in distracting tasks. Also the sipping of tea provides micro breaks in the space between ideas.
*note* given the amounts of tea required for this to work – stick to non-caffeinated.
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[...] of writing quotes, Opium Magazine is collecting them as part of its Network of Writers Experiment. You have until 5 o’clock today to beat the following quote by “pr,” an HTML [...]