October 26th, 2009 / 8:08 pm
 Author Spotlight & Massive People & Mean

Cowering Literary Peons

This post’s a bit apples and oranges. Or rotten bananas and rotten (or as we say “Vrot”) pineapples. In fact it’s not very organized. And it is a response, in a way, to Blake Butler’s 15 Towering Literary Giants.

But, what’s a Cowering Literary Peon??

—a weasel?

—an overrated supposed Giant?

—a talentless p.o.s.?

—a fucking weasel?

—a fraction and no more than a real Towering Giant who came before?

A mix maybe. Or maybe just one of the above. And again, this is all apples and bananas. Etc. Etc.

1) Tony Hoagland. Definitely a Cowering Literary Peon! Over-rated and a jackass, it’s amazing this clown carries any sort of clout. But he does. Within the poetry world. And he’s a teacher. And of course piss runs down hill. And so his ass gets licked by plenty of young beautiful people. The only good thing’s that outside of the poetry world he’s just a normal little weasel.

2) Cormac McCarthy. Let the howling begin! But I’m not the first to go after McCarthy and it’s because it’s obvious (how can u dispute the logic of “it’s obvious”). He’s way over-rated. My first McCarthy torture I endured was The Road but I gave the Redness in the West a chance because people I respected told me The Road was the wrong entry point. Well, well, well. McCarthy has his strengths of course but his archaisms, compounds, and tired and overreaching bring-out-the-horns-and-drums “profound” moments make for (like these last phrases) a strange mosquito-annoying read.

3) Tim O’Brien– I’ve not read anything besides The Things They Carried and that’s because that book was such an unreal beating I wouldn’t dare touch another of his. Twice shy and all that. All smoke and mirrors. I’m lying. I’m not lying. O, I am lying. O, no, I’m not. O, but I am. Just a little. Not at all. Completely. Barf!!! Story-truth is truer than conventional-truth. Double Barf!

4) Maya Angelou. The Caged Peon Singeth.

5) Russel Edson. Some wonderful poems but after you read Henri Michaux you realize Edson’s best poems come straight out of some of Michaux’s most ordinary and gimmicky work. A fraction of Michaux, literally. He’s like Michaux’s left buttocks. Not bad. But…..

6) God. I mean the bible’s good and the ten commandments, etc, etc, (such style and seething prose) but is this guy really deserving of the most read novel in all of time? Yes, this guy’s a Cowering Literary Peon. And all his cowering little weasel scribes.

7) Seth Abramson. I’m not going to say anything good or bad about Seth (that’s just not my style) but there are so many hate-filled fanatics out there who’d probably take out a contract on me if I didn’t include him here as a Cowering Literary Peon. So, sorry Seth, I’m bowing to popular (or unpopular) demand.

And, so here we are, and I’ve only listed 7 here because I’m feeling God-like. Other candidates are perennial whipping boys like Billy Collins and Jonathan Saffron Flowers.

Junot Diaz deserves a good mention and a good, thorough beating. Like the crusades. In waves, over centuries. Orders of knights dedicated to kicking his worthless and righteous ass.

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74 Comments

  1. October 27th, 2009 / 12:24 am Ken Baumann—

      Fight on!

      I read this while listening to Dopesmoker by Sleep. Highly recommended.

  2. October 26th, 2009 / 8:24 pm Ken Baumann—

      Fight on!

      I read this while listening to Dopesmoker by Sleep. Highly recommended.

  3. October 27th, 2009 / 12:29 am Daniel Nester—

      What is Seth looking down at?

  4. October 26th, 2009 / 8:29 pm Daniel Nester—

      What is Seth looking down at?

  5. October 27th, 2009 / 12:33 am Daniel Nester—

      Come to think of it: Where are all these people looking off to? It’s like they’re all Richard Dreyfuss in Their Own Private Speilberg Movie.

  6. October 26th, 2009 / 8:33 pm Daniel Nester—

      Come to think of it: Where are all these people looking off to? It’s like they’re all Richard Dreyfuss in Their Own Private Speilberg Movie.

  7. October 27th, 2009 / 12:35 am Gene Morgan—

      Hoagland gave me a B+ in my undergraduate poetry class the semester I had my first child. 

      I didn’t miss a single class. I think I missed one assignment.

      He verbally assaulted me once for writing a poem about feces for an in-class excercise.

      I have other grievances, but it’s not worth the time typing them out. A first class piece of shit.

  8. October 26th, 2009 / 8:35 pm Gene Morgan—

      Hoagland gave me a B+ in my undergraduate poetry class the semester I had my first child. 

      I didn’t miss a single class. I think I missed one assignment.

      He verbally assaulted me once for writing a poem about feces for an in-class excercise.

      I have other grievances, but it’s not worth the time typing them out. A first class piece of shit.

  9. October 27th, 2009 / 12:44 am Gene Morgan—

      And no, I’m not a whiny bitch for complaining about a B+.

  10. October 26th, 2009 / 8:44 pm Gene Morgan—

      And no, I’m not a whiny bitch for complaining about a B+.

  11. October 27th, 2009 / 12:55 am Trey—

      I fucking hate Tony Hoagland.

  12. October 26th, 2009 / 8:55 pm Trey—

      I fucking hate Tony Hoagland.

  13. October 27th, 2009 / 1:09 am Beniamino—

      Thanks for not even giving Junot a picture and a full mention

  14. October 26th, 2009 / 9:09 pm Beniamino—

      Thanks for not even giving Junot a picture and a full mention

  15. October 27th, 2009 / 1:33 am tom k—

      Martin amis should be in here

      Quote: On the subject of curbing terrorism, he said: ‘There is a definite urge – don’t you have it? – to say, “The Muslim community will have to suffer until it gets its house in order”.
      ‘Not letting them travel. Deportation – further down the road. Curtailing of freedoms. Strip-searching people who look like they’re from the Middle East or from Pakistan. Discriminatory stuff, until it hurts the whole community and they start getting tough with their children

      What the fuck is wrong with martin amis?

  16. October 26th, 2009 / 9:33 pm tom k—

      Martin amis should be in here

      Quote: On the subject of curbing terrorism, he said: ‘There is a definite urge – don’t you have it? – to say, “The Muslim community will have to suffer until it gets its house in order”.
      ‘Not letting them travel. Deportation – further down the road. Curtailing of freedoms. Strip-searching people who look like they’re from the Middle East or from Pakistan. Discriminatory stuff, until it hurts the whole community and they start getting tough with their children

      What the fuck is wrong with martin amis?

  17. October 27th, 2009 / 1:35 am stu—

      You like Tao Lin.

  18. October 26th, 2009 / 9:35 pm stu—

      You like Tao Lin.

  19. October 27th, 2009 / 1:41 am Tim Jones-Yelvington—

      Can I add JCO?

  20. October 26th, 2009 / 9:41 pm Tim Jones-Yelvington—

      Can I add JCO?

  21. October 27th, 2009 / 2:13 am Catherine Lacey—

      Cowering masses of MFA students.

  22. October 26th, 2009 / 10:13 pm Catherine Lacey—

      Cowering masses of MFA students.

  23. October 27th, 2009 / 2:15 am Catherine Lacey—

      I am coming out of manuscript leave just to say this post is badass. See you guys in December.

  24. October 26th, 2009 / 10:15 pm Catherine Lacey—

      I am coming out of manuscript leave just to say this post is badass. See you guys in December.

  25. October 27th, 2009 / 2:32 am Ryan Call—

      cowering literary penguins

  26. October 26th, 2009 / 10:32 pm Ryan Call—

      cowering literary penguins

  27. October 27th, 2009 / 2:59 am Sean—

      your post sucks, Rauan. How about getting wings on your plane before you launch the motherfucker? There are people aboard (though not many).

      S

  28. October 26th, 2009 / 10:59 pm Sean—

      your post sucks, Rauan. How about getting wings on your plane before you launch the motherfucker? There are people aboard (though not many).

      S

  29. October 27th, 2009 / 3:01 am Sean—

      I can not believe anyone still reads Tao Lin. You people are so 19 century.

  30. October 26th, 2009 / 11:01 pm Sean—

      I can not believe anyone still reads Tao Lin. You people are so 19 century.

  31. October 27th, 2009 / 3:04 am Sean—

      Did you forget that John Lennon 100% sucks, you suck-ass?

      The funny thing about you saying Tony Hoagland sucks is you actually thought ONE READER here though Hoagland did not suck. Wow.

      Conclusion: YOU SUCK WORSE THAN HOAGLAND!!!

      (I hate to say that, but it is Mean Week. I also hate to put this aside in here, so lame, but I am too nice for Mean Week! Damn.)

  32. October 26th, 2009 / 11:04 pm Sean—

      Did you forget that John Lennon 100% sucks, you suck-ass?

      The funny thing about you saying Tony Hoagland sucks is you actually thought ONE READER here though Hoagland did not suck. Wow.

      Conclusion: YOU SUCK WORSE THAN HOAGLAND!!!

      (I hate to say that, but it is Mean Week. I also hate to put this aside in here, so lame, but I am too nice for Mean Week! Damn.)

  33. October 27th, 2009 / 3:21 am Blake Butler—

      i heart ron, except for where he fucked up on cormac. but i respect the dis. booyah

  34. October 26th, 2009 / 11:21 pm Blake Butler—

      i heart ron, except for where he fucked up on cormac. but i respect the dis. booyah

  35. October 27th, 2009 / 5:13 am Ross Brighton—

      Fuck him. And David Wohjan (or however you spell his “I’m white but have ethnic intrigue” last name

  36. October 27th, 2009 / 1:13 am Ross Brighton—

      Fuck him. And David Wohjan (or however you spell his “I’m white but have ethnic intrigue” last name

  37. October 27th, 2009 / 5:16 am Ross Brighton—

      John Lennon gets a bit of reflected glory from bangin’ Yoko Ono.
      Hear about that wicked piece of conceptual art she did? She broke up a band that was bigger than jesus. She should start a chuch.

  38. October 27th, 2009 / 1:16 am Ross Brighton—

      John Lennon gets a bit of reflected glory from bangin’ Yoko Ono.
      Hear about that wicked piece of conceptual art she did? She broke up a band that was bigger than jesus. She should start a chuch.

  39. October 27th, 2009 / 5:31 am Aaron—

      hey, i thought this was mean week. can we heart people? at least tell him he sucks too

  40. October 27th, 2009 / 1:31 am Aaron—

      hey, i thought this was mean week. can we heart people? at least tell him he sucks too

  41. October 27th, 2009 / 5:40 am Clapper—

      This list is seriously lacking in Sherman Alexie.

  42. October 27th, 2009 / 1:40 am Clapper—

      This list is seriously lacking in Sherman Alexie.

  43. October 27th, 2009 / 6:22 am Ross Brighton—

      That’s racist.

  44. October 27th, 2009 / 2:22 am Ross Brighton—

      That’s racist.

  45. October 27th, 2009 / 6:58 am reynard—

      is this an excerpt from stuff white people like?

  46. October 27th, 2009 / 2:58 am reynard—

      is this an excerpt from stuff white people like?

  47. October 27th, 2009 / 12:17 pm alan—

      fucking stoner

  48. October 27th, 2009 / 8:17 am alan—

      fucking stoner

  49. October 27th, 2009 / 12:32 pm Rauan Klassnik—

      thanks, Sean,…. but you’re flying so high i can barely hear you down here,…..

  50. October 27th, 2009 / 12:32 pm Rauan Klassnik—

      sure thing…. all he deserves is a massive beating……

  51. October 27th, 2009 / 8:32 am Rauan Klassnik—

      thanks, Sean,…. but you’re flying so high i can barely hear you down here,…..

  52. October 27th, 2009 / 8:32 am Rauan Klassnik—

      sure thing…. all he deserves is a massive beating……

  53. October 27th, 2009 / 12:33 pm Rauan Klassnik—

      from my experience Wojahn is actually a very nice guy…. but,….

  54. October 27th, 2009 / 12:33 pm Rauan Klassnik—

      they’re all just being “deep”,… naturally deep…. deep-in-the-moment deep,…..

  55. October 27th, 2009 / 8:33 am Rauan Klassnik—

      from my experience Wojahn is actually a very nice guy…. but,….

  56. October 27th, 2009 / 8:33 am Rauan Klassnik—

      they’re all just being “deep”,… naturally deep…. deep-in-the-moment deep,…..

  57. October 27th, 2009 / 12:34 pm Rauan Klassnik—

      you are too nice… bring it, man…. really bring it,…..

  58. October 27th, 2009 / 8:34 am Rauan Klassnik—

      you are too nice… bring it, man…. really bring it,…..

  59. October 27th, 2009 / 12:53 pm Michael James—

      why am I seeing a lot more “u” for “you” and 2 for to/too on HTML Giant lately. All these chatroom/IM stuff is bothering me in articles about literature. That may seem like a stuffy statement, but considering HTMLG has always been some intelligent shit, these terms reserved for chatrooms and IMs are leaking into would-be dope articles like teenagers putting them on job applications.

      WTF HTMLG!? (i mean, WTF HTMLG[INTERROBANG])

  60. October 27th, 2009 / 8:53 am Michael James—

      why am I seeing a lot more “u” for “you” and 2 for to/too on HTML Giant lately. All these chatroom/IM stuff is bothering me in articles about literature. That may seem like a stuffy statement, but considering HTMLG has always been some intelligent shit, these terms reserved for chatrooms and IMs are leaking into would-be dope articles like teenagers putting them on job applications.

      WTF HTMLG!? (i mean, WTF HTMLG[INTERROBANG])

  61. October 27th, 2009 / 1:59 pm barry—

      no DAVE EGGERS on this list? really?

  62. October 27th, 2009 / 9:59 am barry—

      no DAVE EGGERS on this list? really?

  63. October 27th, 2009 / 4:25 pm EC—

      Next to the dictionary entry for Cowering Literary Peon is picture of James Wood.

  64. October 27th, 2009 / 12:25 pm EC—

      Next to the dictionary entry for Cowering Literary Peon is picture of James Wood.

  65. October 27th, 2009 / 6:41 pm Charles Dodd White—

      Seconds on Sherman Alexie

  66. October 27th, 2009 / 2:41 pm Charles Dodd White—

      Seconds on Sherman Alexie

  67. October 27th, 2009 / 10:46 pm mathias—

      Wojahn is a German surname.

  68. October 27th, 2009 / 6:46 pm mathias—

      Wojahn is a German surname.

  69. October 27th, 2009 / 11:02 pm james yeh—

      what’s wrong with sherman alexie? i have my own gripes, sure, but i’d be interested to hear. despite certain, let’s say, “thematic recurrences” in his work over the years, his first book of stories kind of kicks some serious ass.

      or are you just talking about the personality slash entity that is sherman alexie?

  70. October 27th, 2009 / 7:02 pm james yeh—

      what’s wrong with sherman alexie? i have my own gripes, sure, but i’d be interested to hear. despite certain, let’s say, “thematic recurrences” in his work over the years, his first book of stories kind of kicks some serious ass.

      or are you just talking about the personality slash entity that is sherman alexie?

  71. October 28th, 2009 / 12:12 am Charles Dodd White—

      James,

      I guess it’s mostly his personality, though I’ve found his stories to be mechanical and his characters uniformly two dimensional. I haven’t read INDIAN KILLER, though, and several folks have said I might enjoy that one.

  72. October 27th, 2009 / 8:12 pm Charles Dodd White—

      James,

      I guess it’s mostly his personality, though I’ve found his stories to be mechanical and his characters uniformly two dimensional. I haven’t read INDIAN KILLER, though, and several folks have said I might enjoy that one.

  73. October 3rd, 2010 / 6:46 pm Gregfellows—

      wow. jealousy sure is ugly. i can understand disliking works, disagreeing with how an author writes, and on and on…but at least comment on their work with some sense of thoughtfulness and engage with it in a critical way. Yes, go grapple with literary giants, by all means, yes! But when you find conflict, have a little respect, and write something worth reading.

  74. August 21st, 2011 / 9:33 pm Surfric—

      If you miss one assigniment in a course, you shouldn’t even get a B at all