Hurricane Sandy was utterly unpleasant. She caused a lot of deaths, a ton of destruction, and a cancellation of a highly anticipated shopping excursion. There has been speculation that Sandy was once the pet rooster of second-wave feminist Betty Friedan. While these rumors have not been verified, there is no denying that Sandy was an angry animal. What Bertha did to Lord Rochester’s estate, Sandy did to the tri-state area. But you don’t have to descend to Sandy’s savage, dimwitted level. You can take the high road (though not to Brooklyn) by dressing yourself up in dignified outfits that are also appropriate for the ever-changing circumstances that Hurricane Sandy will throw your way.
Hurricane Sandy gobbled up all the food and slurped up the entire water supply, which is why everyone needed to visit the grocery store to stock up on edibles and refreshments. The grocery stores will be packed, like a slave ship and/or a train to Auschwitz. Lines will extend deep into the aisles, some might even start at the entrance. All those humans means a lot of body heat, so it’s best to dress like it’s summer and you’re going to the beach. Why not try this Maria Cornejo bathing suit? It’s brown, which is the color that all the streets will be when Sandy floods them. It also has thick black straps that resemble suspenders. Suspenders and bathing suits are a pleasantly peculiar pair.
As local officials and police officers are preoccupied with cleaning up the chaos that H. Sandy caused, the crime rates will rise to levels not seen since the French Revolution. There will be rapes, beheadings, burnings, and at least three people will be tarred and feathered. How to protect yourself? Easy, announce your allegiance to the KKK by wearing this Comme des Garçons Ku Kluxer ensemble. Everyone (save maybe Matthew McConaughey) is scared of the Klan, so no one will harm you.
But even if you do deck yourself out in Ku clothes, you still may not be out of danger, since there is a considerable chance that a crane will fall right on top of your head. So you should protect it with this Alexander McQueen headgear, which is practically an Indian/pirate helmet.
If you’re not dead yet, you may want to take a trip to Brooklyn to bask in the coziness of a café with free wifi. But, due to a schmuck mayor with an endless appetite for kosher turkey and gefilte fish, every car coming in and out of Brooklyn must have three servings of — you guessed it — kosher turkey and gefilte fish. If you’re like me, then you’d rather be read to by Jorie Graham then have to come into contact with kosher turkey and gefilte fish. How to get around this Jewy decree? Dress as if you’re a mermaid/Conehead. Mermaid/Coneheads have their own set of laws. As with Blackwater, they can do what they wish, like enter and exit Biggie’s borough without any kosher turkey and gefilte fish whatsoever.