1) When Sachin Tendulkar, famous cricketer, walked back off the Wankhede field in Mumbai after having accumulated nearly 16,000 Test Runs in exactly 24 years at the highest international level (a career surpassed in excellence only, perhaps, by Sir Donald Bradman) he proclaimed “I am ready to die a violent death.”
Yes, it seems the world’s most famous cricketer (a virtual God in India and the rest of the subcontinent) is headed for new glories, laurels and great, foaming spikes of URL fame in the crazy, wide-open world of Alt Lit.
2) “Yes,” Sachin continued, “I plan on running amuck in the woods muttering glorious Carpe Diem extravagances”— whereupon Steve Roggenbuck leaped out of the Wankhede stands and hoisted Sachin up on to his shoulders and started chanting “Boost! Boost! Boost!” and the whole crowd, 40,000 strong, joined in immediately, voraciously chanting “Boost, Sachin, Boost” and Eternal Lief seemed all-too possible. Beautiful. Exquisite. Here. Now. Now.
3) “Will you be going to Brooklyn?” asked one of the reporters in the interview tent a few minutes later. “For sure I will be going to Brooklyn,” replied a beaming Tendulkar. “I’ll be going wherever the action’s at. ( Yeah, write that down, Sweet Cheeks! ). Of course, I’ll be going wherever the young energy’s at. But, I won’t be giving any money or support to Jason Koo and his Brooklyn Poets because even though I really like and respect what they’re doing (the Hamptons and all) I just don’t think they have enough of a real Alt Lit ethos about them.” (wow, seems like a Tendulkar’s a little sassy. a darker sort of Alt Lit, it seems).
4) And when asked if he had any regrets regarding his long illustrious, resplendent career Sachin didn’t talk about famous heartbreaking losses to Australia or England or rare missed opportunities for even more runs or an important catch fluffed in the slips. Instead he lamented the fact that he hadn’t been included on J. Kaplan’s Kill List. “And even more so,” Sachin added, glaring. “I took it quite personal that I didn’t make it on to Janey Smith’s Fuck List. I mean look at me, I’m in shape. I’m cute. The whole of Mumbai wants to sleep with me! So, as soon as I’m done with this shindig, I’m hopping on a plane for San Francisco where I’m going to hunt down this mysterious Janey Smith &. . .”
5) “Will you miss cricket at all, Sachin” asked a sad little boy who was sucking his thumb in the corner. “No, not at all,” retorted the famous cricketer (also known as the “little master”). “I’m going to be way too busy with Memes, gossiping on Facebook, making videos and developing really cool personas.”
And I know I speak for all writers when I say “fuck that sad little boy” because, well, this is big news for Alt Lit!
Hashtag. Hashtag. Yeah. Yeah.
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