I’m pissed! Kim Kardashian has just given birth, and well, this sucks. Sucks because this deprives us of a month full of pregnant Kim. A month full of big, beautiful Kim. A month full of tabloid shots in which Kim could grow into more astronomically and giddyingly, attractively large.
But, life goes on, as it must. (Sigh.) But I can yet glory in really big Kim! So, what follows are some cobbled together notes that I was working on but which kind of got lost in all my LeBron fantasias, among other things:
Standing in line to pay for our bananas and tick medication I notice that pregnant Kim Kardashian looks HUGE (unrealistically huge) on the cover of all the tabloid magazines. “They must be enhancing these,” I snicker to my wife as I rub anxiously at my neck. “O, no,” she replies, cocksure. “I bet she looks exactly like this.”
And I’m like “huh?” but realize, there and then in our honest, local Fred Meyer, that people aren’t making fun of or laughing at Kim’s exploding monster-physique they are, instead, idolizing it. READ MORE >
[ Just as Shakespeare jauntily lifted and displayed pieces from his great store load of words pertaining to and characterizing people’s privates (including “nothing,” a favorite among feminists!) I have decided to whip out here some closely guarded tidbits about famous people’s pussies. So, come on, slap your thighs, crunch peanuts in the pit, and gaze up, all forlorn, at the sultry clouds.
And, above all, enjoy. ]
A non-pregnant Kim Kardashian’s is a furry teacup pig on its day at the spa. Showing off its nails and gleaming skin. The clit’s a snout and it makes gorgeous and empty little squeals that no man can resist.
Paris Hilton’s is very much like a starved Flamingo curled up into a sad ball on the fringes of the high-acid waters of some South American crater lake. The sky’s filled with hotels and jails and at night the stars crowd in like ghoulish paparazzi. . . And the starved flamingo shivers like a scared Chihuahua that pees on Paris’s marble floors whenever it’s afraid or excited.
(Cormac McCarthy’s trying to work this dish into a new disaster novel). READ MORE >
“I think my sense of style is evolving.”
“I don’t really have goals as far as, I want to be on a cover or something like that.”
“I play into the perception of me, but it’s not really me.”
“I am hands-on in any project that I am associated with. I just don’t want to put my face or name and lend it to a product that I’m not behind a hundred percent.”
“I always say you shouldn’t weigh yourself. I don’t even have a set of scales in my house.”
“I am fascinated by crime scene investigating. I swear, I wish I was a crime scene investigator sometimes!”
“Botox to me is not surgery.”
“I am really cautious about what I say and do.”
“I want to be a vampire. I kind of want to be evil.” READ MORE >